We want a 3rd child but DH only agreeing if it is NOW!

[DungunGirl]

Hello
I am sure this question has been asked a million times on mumsnet so bare with me!

We have 2 DS's. aged 5 and 10 months.We both work full time and pay out a fortune in childcare. We have just moved into a larger home and pushed ourselves to the max with our mortgage payments.

Now, the question now is...do we go for a third? I desperately want a third child, but I am happy to leave it for a couple of years until DS no.2 but DH who is has been totally anti the idea of DC no3 due to finances has suddenly agreed to go for it, but his terms are - that we get on with it NOW. And that as long as I fall pregnant within 12 months, then fine but if it takes any longer than that, we drop the idea and settle for 2.

I don't know what to do..I feel therefore that I MUST get pregnant now or DH will change his mind and that will be that. But I am a very logical person and do worry that we will be very tight when it comes to finances. We have a £1300 monthly mortagage and DH would then have about £600 per month to pay for EVERTHING else. If I were to have a 3rd I would have to give up work which would be about a 45% drop in our household income.

Ok, we would also be saving on the £800 pa childcare bill and the £280 travel cost I incure commuting to work. But that would still mean that the £800 a month left to pay bills and food from my salary disappears!

I really want a 3rd but I cannot help but worry.

I know this probably sounds selfish and I am sure there will be someone who comments that some people can't even have more than 1. I am fully aware of this, I have PCOS and it took almost 2 years - a lot of heart break and visits to blood clinic before we managed to conceive and have our second.

This aside, this is my situation now and I hope there are some ladies out there who can give me their opinion/experience.

What would you do?

Sounds like your DH is putting you in an awkward situation, rather unfairly I think. Also sounds like it would put you under a lot of pressure financially.
Do you want to give up work? Why would you have to give up if you have #3?

Why does your DH insist on trying now? That's the crux of the matter.

Is it because of your ages? Can you find out r him why? Because usually the financial pressure is a reason many men don't want to have another one, it seems a bit odd.

I love my DH to bits but he is not an easy person ( personality wise ). Once he has made up his mind on something, NOTHING will change it.

I think he is being unfair...but he will not hear it. He is basically saying that he is already being compassionate by agreeing to it now. But he doesn't want to be in the 'nappy' stage of children for the next 5 years.

I understand this side of it, and i think he has been listening to other men at work who are having their kids all close together.

As far as giving up work, I would miss the people and the work, but I would NOT miss the daily commute. Also I could set up as a freelancer from home , work for myself basically. So it wouldn't be the total end of working, but realistically, we could not afford to pay for childcare for 2 children under 3, plus our eldest son who would be at school by the time a 3rd showed up. We'd be looking at a childcare bill of £1500 per month to have all in childcare and that would mean I would end the month with nothing left in my pay packet, as it would be £1500 to childcare and the remaining £300 would go on my commuting costs, and I would be paying to work basically.

ohhh...what a situation....

Lymond...

Like I said in other post...the only reason he has given in the fact he doesn't want to have 'nappy' aged children for another 5 years. He's rather get it over with sooner.
( Even though he doesn't do any changing! )

Age wise, I am 32 and he is 34...so I don;t think this is an issue either.

Funny...your comment of 'it seems a bit odd' sums up my DH. His logic is always a 'bit odd'.

Working as a freelancer sounds a good idea. Why don't you explore that some more, to see how feasible, how long it will take etc..? If you got pg while still working, so you got maternity leave, but then didn't go back, you could get a mothers help or au pair to help out a bit while you work, for about £100 a week.

Ultimately, if you want another baby then I can to some extent understand his argument about having them close together and getting all the nappies out of the way together. But, it is your bosy that has to go through it all, and you mustn't do it until you feel ready.

No advice but I'm interested as would quite like three but think it would mean I'd have to give up work too, more for logistical reasons than anything else. My salary pays our whopping mortgage and our childcare so would make a big difference not to have it.

I kind of understand where your DH is coming from. I wanted mine close together and wanted to be all done by the age of thirty. I always said that if I didn't have my second by thirty then I wouldn't do it at all. Now that ds2 is two and becoming much more independant I would struggle to have to go back to the baby stage of nappies and weaning and baby proofing!!

Diff situation here but me and dh wanted 3 and got them. The decison was not carefully weighed up in a logical manner. We felt that we would have them and deal with the financial and other consequences later. It is hard for you but can you go with your deepest heart? What does your gut say?

LadyMa

My deepest heart says that I will forever mourn the 3rd that never happened if I don't go for it.

My head screwed on says that unless I can guarantee to get some projects on a freelance basis, we won't manage financially...

How did you manage financially?