Have we done the right thing?

[Zola78]

I have four children. My eldest son is 5, ds2 is 3, ds3 is 2 and dd is 16 weeks. The last few weeks have been manic but enjoyable but of late everything seems to be coming apart. My 2 year old shouts, screams and cries most of the time. Ds2 was caught kicking another child. Ds1 seems to be falling behind at school. Dd still isn't sleeping any longer than 2 hours at night. My dh is supportive but he's always at work.

With everything going 'wrong' I'm sat here thinking, "What have I done?" I feel like I'm failing. I know things are going to get better but right now I'm sooo sad and down. I don't think I've got PND! I'm just feeling like I can't give anymore and they all want and need me so much. I have no family close by and do have friends but I don't always feel like I can have a bad day or days! I know I'm feeling sorry for myself but some days it feels hard not to. I guess I just needed to get it off my chest!! Tomorrows another day.

I have nothing helpful to add except to answer to say vent away! I have 3 ds's (18months between each one) and would like 4 and remember when ds3 was a similar age to your dd feeling really emotional because I was thinking I could never have 4 I can't even cope/do a good job with 3, needless to say he's now 8 months and I could so picture having another one
you are in the thick of it at the moment and not having enough sleep will be a major factor in how you feel.

You are not failing! the first 12 months having a baby is really really tough whether its 1 or 5 so remember to be kind to yourself x

Tomorrow is another day.
Im not really qualified to answer you on this as I've got only two DD's and they are 8yrs apart...so quite the opposite.
But, remember how the wee one's change week by week, this might be just they have all hit a bit of a bad spell together!
Any Childrens Centre's by you ? or Home Start or similar that may be able to lend a hand. Reach out and ask for some help. If DH is working a lot your plate is very full to handle ALL by yourself.
I take my hat off to you. Take five minutes to yourself now and again.
Good luck

I agree - ring Home Start and see if you can get a bit of practical help. And see your GP - it could well be a touch of PND, and there is lots of help out there for that. It will improve with sleep - just ride it out. Don't worry about the state of the house - leave all non-essential jobs.

Valid point about extra help I forgot to say that the Childrens Centre helped me out with someone coming in 2 afternoons a week to help me do messy play with the boys, it was fantastic, a couple of times ds3 napped and she played with boys whilst I cooked dinner, bliss!
It was organised through my HV and nursery nurse, she also mentioned that some trainee nursery nurses will come and give free help as work experience, worth asking local college?

Zola, go easier on yourself, they are all so young, it is the toughest time. I just wanted to cry all the time at this point, everything happens at the same time doesn't it? Will get so much better when you're getting more sleep, nothing seems as problematic. DS1 surely has only just started school at 5, can't fall that far behind in such a short space of time?!
You do sound as though you just need someone else to vent to or a little break during the week, it would make all the difference and allow you to keep going.
The one tip I have (and I'm still struggling with my 4 who are 6, 3 and 16month dt's) is to find something positive before you go to sleep, just one small thing to smile about, laugh about whatever, something one of them has said, the baby did something for the first time. Go to sleep with that on your mind and it all possibly might seem worth it. It's just kind of surviving now, perhaps you're expecting it not to be and that's making you feel worse?

HI I don't knw if this helps but I have four kids and work full time. I try to give them most of what they want within reason or not. Geneally a 2 year old will cry if they are not getting what they want. If you let them have whatever they want then gently show them why its not suitable etc they will be much nicer in a very short time. I don't think kicking someone once is a major problem, from what I hear there are some kids in the office every day! Nobody is perfect it sounds like you are doing a great job. As soon as the baby starts sleeping it will be easier. Mine are 7,4,2 and one so Ive come out the other side. Little things help like flowers in the house, music to calm yurself and the kids little games all the time, letting them dance etc. I find if I say to my little ones I m going to look after you all night or something like that it does calm them. If I get angry and say why wont you sleep they just cry more. I hope something of what i have said helps

Zola. Just want to say I feel exactly the same. Mine are 7, 6 , 3 and a few weeks old and I feel I just give give give and I feel constantly stressed and often helopless. What does helop is that DH and I sat down and said this is not going to last forever, we just have to acceopt this is what it is going to be like but not forever and stick together,

Thanks for all the words of wisdom.Today is a better day. I know it will get better and I'm just very sleep deprived. I will look into Surestart. Saturday was a bad day and I needed to vent. I do need to make more time for myself!

Thanks again

Homestart, is what you want.
I hope that they operate in your area (they don't in mine).
2yos are really hard. Actually, in most families there's the oddball child is who quite difficult (which can change from year to year).

hi Zola
glad to hear today has gone a little better.My 4 are really old now (21, 18 13 and 11)but my God that first year with 4 was tough and tearful.I think my HV and others saw a tatoo on my head saying 'she can cope' but inside I was often drowning and overwhelmed.
What helped was being reminded not to let the baby nap even for 20mins after 4pm if I was to stand any chance of getting him to sleep before 10ish, employing a very helpful 6th former to come in at teatime for an hour a few days a week (DH always back way too late to be of any use and family living other end of the counrty)She could lend a hand by sorting laundry, clearing up ,jiggling a baby etc,I used the child benefit to fund it and I often only half joked that it saved my children's lives.
It certainly saved mine.

I posted here only yesterday with the true comment that my children do not remember my melt downs but now love being in a larger family, saying it has made them easier going and generally more wonderful

Finally the other useful suggestion is to claim £1 from every person you meet who says
"I don't know how you do it?"

Hi, i have 5 children and i had my first 4 all pretty close together in age. Those years were the hardest years i've ever done.
Now my children are 12, almost 11, 8, 6 and nearly 2 life is so much easier...and now i'm glad i had them all in succession.

I worked as a Home Start family visitor last year and i loved it. I could identify with the Mum because i'd been through similar having so many years of sleepless nights and wondering if there'd be light at the end of the tunnel. It was great because when i left the Mum she'd come out the other side and was doing really well.

I think as other suggested Home Start might be worth a call. It might be nice to have a friend who will point out where you are getting things right instead of you feeling you're failing. If nothing else it will be a friend you can vent to and who will make you a coffee as opposed to you making someone else one

I still look back and wonder how i got through those early years but thankfully i did and the kids have turned out well so far,they're all very happy and love having each other for company. Just the fact you're aware that you're finding it tough atm i think means your doing a great job as a mum because at least you have self awarness.

I lived by 'tomorrows another day' btw lol, it got me through eventually.

Take care, Jo