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Original poster

What happens when youre ill?

33 replies

alysonpeaches · 19/10/2009 13:06

Yesterday I started with a fever, bad throat, earache, headache etc and really felt vile. DH knew I wasnt well, knew I was up in the night, taking painkillers and what have you. He never actually says, you stay in bed, I'll take today off and do everything. I have to ask him to do this. He sometimes wont, says its difficult at work etc. Sometimes his employers are a bit obstructive admittedly. I always feel really bad when I have to do this, so I dont do it for nothing.

But there's no way I could do school run get 4 little ones up etc etc. Im propped up in bed now with notebook and feeling truly guilty.

What do you do?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

benandoli · 19/10/2009 20:32

soldier on with no sympathy and then when DH gets the same illness he says he has it worse as he can't carry on 1

GoppingOtter · 19/10/2009 20:33

yes soldier on!

worse for dp he is self employed and has to be on call 24/7 by law

no possibility he can be ill

LongStory · 19/10/2009 21:21

when I am ill I am so grateful that I am a 'working' mother. Because only 'working' mothers are able to not work when they are ill. Fortunately this doesn't happen very often. Hope it passes soon Alyson - stopping in bed is very sensible and you're more likely to get better faster.

mrsdisorganised · 19/10/2009 21:57

'Get on with it!' DH works away from home and really thats the only choice I have. If the dc's are in school then I have helpful friends to pick up, but if not we all hide and the tv goes on!! If DH is home then he is really good but it's rare, I live with my phrase of 'Mummies DO NOT get ill!'

Hope you feel better soon and don't feel guilty!!!

Original poster

alysonpeaches · 20/10/2009 21:01

Well I managed yesterday in bed, but felt justified as it turned out to be tonsillitis. The doctor was more sympathetic than DH. But even he had to spoil it with talk of my high cholesterol, another fasting blood test and a cardio vascular risk assessment when Im better.

OP posts:

LongStory · 20/10/2009 21:48

no need to feel justified or otherwise, you are allowed to be ill. hope it's fixed soon.

Conundrumish · 26/10/2009 19:10

Tonsillitis is horrible - I felt worse with that than anything for years, not surprised you were not up to much.

DailyMailNameChanger · 26/10/2009 19:28

When I'm ill I get on with it anyway, having no DH to ask to take a day off it is a bit of a moot point however, if I did (and when I did) I would not have done that, not ever. Sick leave is for when he is sick not me and I am not surprised his employer has been obstructive over it. There is no sick leave being a parent, harsh but true!

I have some kind of fluish cold right now so I get up with the dc, walk the dog, do the cooking, organise the activities etc and then try to grab a snooze on the sofa wherever possible. In truth there has only been one day since I was 18 (when I had my first child) where I honestly could not cope and had to have help. As it was I could not get help so I got through that day by myself as well in the end.

Oh, no, there was also the time I was in hospital having a D&C, I had one day where I had to ask someone else to have them for me (although babs was with me of course).

I hope you are feeling better soon - and it is horrible when you are ill, I do understand but I think you do need to be aware that you are quite lucky to have a someone that will take time off at all really!

SingleMum01 · 26/10/2009 19:39

With you on that one DailyMail - being on your own you can't be ill. Been feeling lousy myself since Friday, but got to just get on with it. Thankfully DS' friend came to play today so I got a bit of a sit down. Also, find 'cos there's no recovery time, any recovery takes twice as long.

Sorry to hear your ill AlysonPeaches, but think of the ones who don't get any help and maybe you'll feel not so hard done by.

wanttostartafresh · 26/10/2009 19:41

I have had to just get on with it really, literally drag myself out of bed, get DD to school and play with DS who's only part time at nursery. DH might sometimes go in to work a bit late and do the morning school run and let me have a bit of a lie in but that's about it.

The last time I was ill, I managed to do the school run but was so out out of it I managed to lose DS's buggy somewhere along the way and we were searching the whole house for it the next morning! Turned out I had put the kids in the car but left the buggy on the side of the road, drove off without it and we think the bin men must have taken it as the next morning was collection day! The same day I managed to order a late night on-line grocery delivery but forgot I had done it and when the doorbell rang I told DH not to answer the door as it was late and dark and I wasn't expecting anyone and it was most proabably an axe murderer at the door! Luckily the grocery man kept ringing the bell (he could see were home as the lights were on) and eventually DH did go and answer it and found the poor Ocado man on the doorstep with all our shopping!

TrinityHasAVampireRhino · 26/10/2009 19:48

get on with it

it sucks but mums dont get holidays

LongStory · 26/10/2009 23:04

why not? reading this thread, I wonder what happened to feminism... I have actively planned to avoid ending up in the situation of being ill with no chance to rest. There should be support between families and partners to cover illness, and mums should get the rest they need. Even holidays sometimes! (I negotiated a riding holiday for every baby early on, unfortunately we can't afford this any more!). OK it's different for single mums, good cause to invest heavily in relationships with grandparents and/or local support networks.

sorry for the rant ...

DailyMailNameChanger · 26/10/2009 23:14

It is not a feminist issue Longstory, if it were a single dad or a SAHD the same things would apply. I hate that everything associated with a woman suddenly becomes a feminist issue.

If one person is working and the other is not then it is not reasonable to expect the company of the working parent to cover the sickness of the non-working parent as well as the working one by having the working parent take additional days off.

bumpybecky · 26/10/2009 23:27

I had flu at the beginning of December last year. Proper flu, not a bad cold. I went to bed and stayed there for 3 days.

I found out afterwards that DH took some time off work, he worked from home for a few half days, MIL and FIL did some childcare and school runs.

I was totally out of action for 3 days, but had been feeling lousy for a couple of days before and for at least 3 weeks afterwards. By the time I felt half way well the house was in such a state

After the flu thing I had terrible hairloss too. The GP said it was either stress or a post-viral reaction. Either way I didn't really feel right until maybe Easter.

And that was just flu. I've no idea how people with serious illnesses or disabilities cope with kids.

bumpybecky · 26/10/2009 23:30

also meant to say alysonpeaches, I hope you're feeling much better soon. I had tonsilitus as a child and 30 years on can still remember how horrible it was

wanttostartafresh · 27/10/2009 11:52

bumpybecky, that's one of the worst things, that the recovery time is so much longer simply because we don't get a chance to stop when we are ill.

Re coping with kids when you have a serious illness/disability, well i have been there and once again there was no option but to just get on with it. I am better now but i have a chronic health condition that flared up massively over the last 2/3 years, I was effectively disabled, but just had to carry on. DC's were 3 and under 1 when my condition was really bad and I was also suffering from depression as well. Looking back now I do not know how i got through it. DH was working long hours in a new job so no help from him and we have no extended family to help out if need be. Had also moved to a new area so not many friends to call on either for help. A nightmare all in all, but thankfully it's behind us now. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger as they say!

LongStory · 27/10/2009 19:37

DMNC: I agree the same could apply to a single dad, absolutely. I was reacting to the martyred-mum syndrome in a few preceding posts. It's up to us to find our own support networks to help us to cope with whatever is thrown at us.

kazkissofdeath · 27/10/2009 19:51

Can I add to this then that what would happen if a childminder was too ill to look after children. Then either person with parental responsibility would need to take time off work to look after the children. So why should mums be any different. As in if there is a dad around and the mum is too ill to safely assume childcare responsibilities then that responsibility needs to be the burden of the dad. Therefore dads employer needs to see this as child related leave.

thereyou go my tuppenceworth!

DailyMailNameChanger · 27/10/2009 20:49

Kaz, that may seem reasonable but it has no application in law AFAIK as most employers would expect you to have emergencies like that covered. Some employers allow a certain number of days per year off for child things and I suppose you could use those days for partner sickness if you felt it appropriate.

kazkissofdeath · 27/10/2009 20:59

Thats what i was refering to. But I think my main point that (obviously with the exception of single parents (although actually not if custody is shared). Then I feel that there should be a shared responsibility which is what I think the OP is talking about. I feel she is frustrated that if she is ill she still 'has to struggle on regardles' Whereas if her DH was ill he would be allowed to convalesce. For example if the child is ill generally it is the mum that has to take time off work rather than the dad. (not sure if i am making sense as quite tired so apologies!)

kazkissofdeath · 27/10/2009 21:02

I think this gives a bit more information regarding what i was reffering to.

time of for dependants

DailyMailNameChanger · 27/10/2009 21:23

The thing is time off a paid job and time off being a SAHP are two totally different things. I don't think it helps really to confuse them. Employers have to allow time off by law however there is no law forcing time off for SAHP - because their could not be could there, it is not possible to do.

I do take your point about a partnership etc however there are massive differences between paid employment and raising your children, rightly or wrongly.

kazkissofdeath · 27/10/2009 21:50

No my point is as related in 'time off for dependents' is that if your wife, or mother of your children falls ill in the eyes of this policy they are a dependant. So if said wife falls ill then under the direct.gov policy you as a husband are entilted to take take time off for a 'reasonable period of time' I.e. I assume just one day or such like to take care of them/children. There is no way I am suggesting that you can take time off from being a stay at home mum nor am i saying this should be used for minor self limiting illnesses.I am just saying when the unfortunate happens there are options. Which is what I think the OP was asking if i am correct?

DailyMailNameChanger · 27/10/2009 22:09

I am not sure if that was what the op was asking or not tbh.

So your reading of the policy is that your partner is a dependant and so you can take time off when they are ill?

I am surprised. At least I am if that is correct (and I am not saying it is not).

I also think I sort of disagree with it...because it would be used for self limiting minor illnesses by some people wouldn't it? I can see the point if your partner has something serious but for a 48hr stomach virus or something?

kazkissofdeath · 27/10/2009 22:17

It is to allow sufficient time to make other arrangements although in certain circumstances, i am not sure what other arrangements can be made. yes a partner wife is a dependant as stated here i quote 'If you are an 'employee', you have the right to unpaid time off work to deal with emergencies involving a 'dependant' ? this could be your husband, wife, partner, child, parent , or anyone living in your household as a member of the family. I am sorry if i made myself misunderstood by using the term self limiting illness, i meant the difference between feeling a bit ill too not able to get out off bed i.e. proper flu such as what bumpybecky was referring to.

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