dh and I can't agree on no.4

[hbee]

I would really appreciate some advice. I would like to have another baby, but do have some concerns: how to manage when pregnant, will kids 'miss out' on anything... My husband shares these concerns, but he also has more about practical things like going on holiday, fitting everything in car etc. He has agreed to having another baby twice, but has now changed his mind again after agreeing for a second time. He says that if I am pregnant this month we'll be happy and things will work out for the best, but he isn't willing to continue not taking precautions. I'm very tired of all this, very upset and tearful. Will find out at end of month whether pg or not, but I want to continue trying. How can we sort this out- I'm so upset.

Your DH's concerns are very legitimate. We have three children (DSS1 (13), DSS2 (11) and DD (4)) and while I would very much like to have another child, my DP is very concerned about the logistical and financial implications of this. We would absolutely have to move to a larger flat and, here in central Paris, that would be both very difficult and hugely expensive. We would need a larger car, and that again is difficult to manage - car parking spaces are not made for very large cars - without even considering expense.

Think long and hard about it.

We have enough room in our home and could just about manage with our current car. I think my main issue is the fact that we have agreed, twice, to have another and I am feeling very mixed up about yet another change of heart from dh.

I think it is normal to be worrying about practical things a bit, but not too much. You will have to get a bigger car as with nowadays car seats legislations you will not fit all of them in a regular car. that was our only concern with DH.

As far as house space, it depends on you both to agree or not. My experience is the following: DH and I + our 4DCs are living in a two bedreoom semi, we have managed to organise ourselves enough to not feel crouded all the time. We would like to have a bigger place, and have actually been looking for something bigger+ affordable for quite a bit now but we are not desperate to move. The DCs have never complained that the house is to small and we havw been able to organise sleep over for friends of to have my parents staying without too much trouble.

Gorionine- sounds like everything is working out great with your 4 kids. I agree- there is usually a way round things if you really want to do something

I'm going to get some housework done now, but if anyone has had a similar experience, I'd be interested to hear how things worked out for you.

Oh yes, mine was adament no more after three and in fact had a vasectomy done when the youngest of mine was born.
However after 3 years of me bringing it up every 6 months and a huge full on temper trantrum from me in the summer last year we are having IVF this year.
We can't really afford it, I'm not the calmest person, we're probably not the worlds best parents but we will love the baby and that for me was all that mattered.
DH took some persuading but I think in the end I pointed out that we will have 30 years of holidays together, driving a sports car with 2 seats if we want, we have a 4 bed house which could be made into 5 when the time comes and can also be sold and traded down to a three bed terrace when the nest is empty.

I also think (sorry hit return too quickly) that people actually do far too much for their kids these days.
The bigger car from example yes if I was to drive to school every day we would need an 8 seater, but we could walk, it wouldn't hurt anyone and that will save me petrol, the cost of the car and road tax, a massive amount of money.
I also don't feel the need anymore for lots of activities or indeed clothes.
That was my biggest mistake when the other were babies, I was in such a hurry to buy outfits for them and then stressed about laundry all the time, if we have a 4th it'll be in a sleepsuit and vest for 6 months at least.
With experience you know what works and what doesn't so a lot of waste gets cut out and you have three pairs of hands to hold the baby whilst you make bottles or whatever that you didn't have last time.
And the older ones getting read practice telling the baby stories, win, win

I do walk to school everyday (1mile+each way) but if we want to go anywhere during the week end all together there is absolutely no other way(legal anyway)unless you live close enough to a train/bus station.

True but then you are in a smaller house so you're allowed a big car, i have big house so am making other people take my children to Rainbows etc

OHBollox, I hope IVF will bring you what you want. I personnaly do not thing there is such a thing as "world best parents" so I would not worry too much! I agree with you love is all that matters in the end.(is this return button contagious?)

Oh I know! Maybe we should transform the boot of the car into an extra bedroom!

OHBollox, 'we will love the baby' says it all- I agree with this and also the point about other kids reading stories to baby. I'm so happy for you managing to persuade your dh. Wish you all the best.

I wish you all the best. My dh has just changed his mind about having no. 6 and i am devastated. We were actually actively ttc at the time of his change of heart.

for most of the reasons that you state aswell, time management with the others being the most important to him it seems.

We had,os so i thought, and i still have this huge gaping hole with plenty of love for another child, and no matter what else, what material things, love is what matters the most imo.

I hope it works out for you ladies, I really do. x

Liahgen- are you going to try to change his mind back, or just accept his decision and remain unhappy?

well hbee I have absolutely no idea what to do tbh.

As you said, do I try and change his mind or remain unhappy?

I don't think that at the moment there is any point trying to change his mind tbh as he seems very adamant in his decision, (having said that, hasn't stopped us having unprotected sex even though I fell pregnant last month but miscarried early!!

It coincides with him visiting some groups of friends couple months ago, who all have "average", 2/3 sized families, large houses, both working, posh holidays etc. It seems to me, he looks at our set up and has found it lacking in someway

originally, I told him he'd have to get the snip, but with a clearer head, I've decided, I think that was more of a knee jerk reaction, and I really wouldn't want things to be so final.
so I've said i'll go on the mini pill, (am bf)in the hope that sometme in the not too distant future he will change his mind, I've told him, I'm hoping he'll change his mind, so imo, we now both know where we stand.

I'm very sad about the whole situation tbh, and am praying that i'm pg this month. I know he'd be ok if that were the case as he knows he took risks but in my heart of hearts i don't think i am.

We'll see, I don't want this to come between us and we do have wonderful dc's and a good relationship on the whole.
Am gonna try and concentrate on enjoying what we have for a while and genuinely try and put it to the back of my mind, but it's sooo hard. I think about it constantly, and am seriously considering giving up my doula work as i just find it too upsetting at the moment.

Sorry that turned into a bit of a ramble didn't it.?

I hope things work out for you too. x

hbee when are you due? I'm 21st Jan