Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Larger families

Find out all about large family cars, holidays and more right here.

Flip

Original poster

Feeling Gulity.

18 replies

kayzisexpecting · 04/11/2008 20:56

Hi,

I am only expecting my second so I know it isn't large but I wasn't too sure where to post this.

I had a good friend over for coffee this morning. We were talking about the new baby and DS. I was saying how I'm hoping he won't get jealous as he loves other children. She then asked if I felt guilty for having another baby.
She said that my family, in-laws and my friends won't come to see DS anymore as there will be a new baby to fuss over. I said that of course they will still come to see DS, but she reckons they'll ignore him.

I wasn't feeling guilty at all as I have always wanted a fairly large family and I have a brother and although he can be a PITA we get on really well.

I don't really want to spend my last 5 weeks worrying about being gulity.

Does anyone have any stories of feeling guilty about having another child and how they overcame it?

Thanks

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

squeakypop · 04/11/2008 20:56

2nd children are important to the continuation of the human species.

MrsMattie · 04/11/2008 20:57

Your friend is talking tosh!

Original poster

kayzisexpecting · 04/11/2008 21:02

I had a feeling she might be MrsMattie. I just can't help feeling that DS will hate me.

OP posts:

sorkycake · 04/11/2008 21:08

I've got 4 (nearly), they are sooo excited about the newbie. Yes a new child to the family will cause some feelings of confusion for the elder one, but it can be handled sensitively (maybe not with your MIL though )

Unless your Dh is an only then both grandparents will be mindful of the fact that Ds will feel as if is nose is a little out of joint.

IIrc when people fussed over the baby I made a fuss of the elder child and instructed that any gifts for the baby were to be accompanied with a gift for my eldest as well, a 'big sister gift', or please don't bring a gift at all. A little dictator like I admit but it worked a treat

Oh, and she's not a friend....none of my friends would ever dream of saying such a hurtful thing.

Original poster

kayzisexpecting · 04/11/2008 21:12

Oh SIL is expecting in January and our baby is already be pushed aside. So not too bothered about MIL.

DH is 1 of 3 so not to worried. My parents are both 1 of 5 so I'm sure they know exactly how it feels.

I wasn't too bothered until she said that.

OP posts:

WingsofaAngel · 04/11/2008 21:13

DS will not hate you.You'll have enough love for them both.

Buy ds a present from the baby.

People will see you as a family. I think they make just as much fuss of big brother as they will new baby.

Is your friend jealous at all ?

differentGuyD · 04/11/2008 21:13

your friend is being unfair, or she could be warning you that tat's what she MAY do when this littl eone arrives.
FWIW, whenever my friends have babies and have older siblings I make sure my first interaction is with the older siblings first- that way it seems as though I've come to pay a visit to the family rarher than the new baby.Oh and they all get a small pressie to- even if it's only stickers or a colouring book and crayons.

bobsyouruncle · 04/11/2008 21:14

She sounds a bit envious tbh. I felt VERY guilty, especially just after ds was born. Now I see them playing and laughing together and feel so glad they have each other. The initial fuss dies down, especially over a second baby ime!

ohIdoliketobebesidethe · 04/11/2008 21:15

The fact he loves other children is a really good sign that he'll love his sibling too. Ime when realtives come to stay the baby only gets a little attention at the beginning then it's all for the older dc who are after all much more fun to interact with.

Btw I spent an entire preg feeling guilty. Got preg when dd2 was 6 months and just felt terrible that she wouldn't have more time as the baby. Everyone said she was too young to be jealous. She has been extremely jealous - openly loving towards ds1 but emotionally all over the place. When ds1 arrived though, it was just great. He was really cute and I then felt guilty for not having looked forward to his arrival. [there really should be a guilty emoticon]. I just tried to be as sensitive to dd2 as I could be and have enjoyed pandering to her. It seems to be paying off now (3 months in).

abbierhodes · 04/11/2008 21:15

I agree with Sorky...that is not a true friend.
I had exactly the same feelings when I had my 2nd child, there is only a 20 month gap and I felt terrible that my baby had to become my oldest child so soon. Nearly 2 years later they are extremely close. DS1 had to take something to nursery that was special to him today...he took a photo of his brother!
Your DS will grow up as part of a loving family, ignore the hurtful comments, they're total rubbish.

Original poster

kayzisexpecting · 04/11/2008 21:17

Thanks everyone.

She says she doesn't want children, they'll ruin her figure.

Her parents had an 'accident' and had her DB when she was 15, so I think she was very jealous about that.

OP posts:

dizzydixies · 04/11/2008 21:17

I found dd1 loved the presents for baby as baby was too young to open them and she did it for her!

we also got her a big sister tshirt and let her introduce her to everyone as HER wee sister to emphasise how important she was in the whole process

and loose the friend down a dark alley somewhere otherwise start adding a pinch of salt to her coffee when she's round

Original poster

kayzisexpecting · 04/11/2008 21:22

We're getting DS1 a big brother shirt and DS2 a little brother vest. DH thinks getting DS1 a present from DS2 is a silly idea but what do men know?

OP posts:

MaureenMLove · 04/11/2008 21:26

Ah, ya see, another good reason to only have one! That's a joke Kayz, you know that, right?

Ignore her love. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. DS will love his new sibling and he will be very proud and no doubt very protective too.

She is being VERY unkind and unsupportive. sounds like she has some ishoos of her own, she needs to address, before making assumptions on something she has no knowledge or experience of.

bobsyouruncle · 04/11/2008 21:29

lol at your dd opening baby's presents dizzy, dd has lots of BLUE teddys that were not intended for her

lactator · 04/11/2008 21:29

Ah, she is childless..and talking utter bollocks to boot. Ignore her !

The only time I have felt guilty was when I was pregnant with my second. I was full of angst about what it would do to my precious first born.

However, there were no such issues when he was born, no jealousy from DD, and I don't remember anyone shoving her aside to grapple the baby, so don't worry.

I have five children now, and it is lovely they have each other.

Original poster

kayzisexpecting · 04/11/2008 21:29

MO how could you??!!

I feel much better now. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

LongStory · 04/11/2008 22:42

Apparently it's good protocol to buy a present for the older children when a new one arrives. But this is just ridiculous - when my 3rd came the other two were over the moon and we just had shed loads of little presents to find more room for. What is going to happen when the twins arrive. Bet everyone will just buy a big load of chocolate so the older 3 will be hyper - just great when you've got baby twins to deal with. Me and the kids were always bemused by the gift arrangements - we were all so excited by the new baby - what better gift can a child have than a permanent new friend????

Flip