Would you have another baby if one child didn’t want you to?

[MyPeachTiger]

I’d love to have another baby for various reasons. I already have 2 teens and a toddler. One teen would love another sibling but the other does not like children and would rather I didn’t.
She’s a typical teenager with the sulking at the moment, sometimes it feels like she rules the roost because of her meltdowns, I have to consider her feelings and needs but also surely I am allowed to consider mine too.
I know you have to take your other children into consideration when having another child, but has anyone here stopped because their child wanted them to? Do you believe it’s none of their business and their opinion shouldn’t change your mind? Are you for or against older children ‘controlling’ your wants?
Not intending this thread to be judgemental, id just like to hear from other mums with bigger families what you would/did do in this situation and if there were negative or positive ‘consequences’ to your choice.

I think it depends. Has she got valid or valid ish reasons to say no. Like does she have to do some childcare, will she have to share a room with a toddler, is money already stretched, does she struggle to get your time and attention as it is. In which case I’d say she’s definitely got valid points and it would be something to consider. I’d argue it’s not her vs you then though, or her controlling you or any of the other kind of ‘power struggle’ type things you’ve framed it in the op, it’s just deciding your own priorities.
if she gets loads of time with you, will keep her own room, there’s plenty of money and it won’t really effect her then I imagine that’s different. Will she tell you why she doesn’t want another sibling? That seems like it’s important

Thanks for replying. It wouldn’t affect her in the sense of needing to babysit, go without or share a room, I’d never expect that of a teen, or any child in fact. She doesn’t like children so she’s against anything child related, this seems to be her reason. Although she is great with her toddler brother. It may just be teen hormones but I wouldn’t want to upset any of my children, yet I’m entitled to live my life too, surely. It’s a hard one, time isn’t on my side either.

My sister is a step mum to a 13 year old boy, and has two much younger DC (3 and 6). Although the 13yo loves his siblings, there's no getting away from the fact that their household tends to revolve around the little ones - activities have to be family-friendly, there are toys and general kid mess everywhere, and it is quite rare that the 13yo gets any one on one time. 13yo is often being taken along to petting zoos and soft play centres etc which obviously is not really much fun for him.

He's also having a relatively tough time at secondary but his needs do often seem to come second to his younger siblings' needs (particularly the 6yo, who is currently being assessed for autism and has some behavioural challenges).

Anyway, all that to say that although my sis and BIL are great parents, it is tough being a much older sibling and I can sort of understand your teen's point of view. Although I think it's absolutely great that you're saying she won't need to share a bedroom or do babysitting, there's no getting round the fact that a new baby will take lots of your attention, and will shift the dynamics of the house a fair bit, so I can understand why she's not so keen.

Your children do not dictate your family planning. They are children not apart of the relationship between two adult parents. If their life will not change if you bring a new baby into the world then the decision is only for you and your partner and your children dont need to be involved or even like it. If your older kids arnt raising your younger kids, arnt responsible for their siblings besides the odd helping out here and there, then it has no concern to them. I have a large family, not ever have my children told me I cant have another baby in the home because my children know they will never have to be responsible for that child and their lives dont have to change to make room. If you want a baby and you can make it work and you dont need to rely on your older children to raise your younger children then go for it.

I have to also mention. I have grown adult children and teens with 2 toddlers. Some one above mentions that an older child gets dragged around to all the younger child's stuff and honestly thats not the case. My teens go to movies, putt putt, shopping trips, amusement parks, out for dinners, lunches, they go to their own parties, do weekend trips with their friends. And honestly we take the toddlers to join us and we all participate and have a great time or either I go and spend time with the older kids and hubby stays home with the younger ones or vice versa. No one misses out or gets left behind and we have an open door policy. If any of our kids needs us, needs our time or attention, needs to talk, all they have to do is come to us.

I think 3 is enough.
Do you have all girls?
Are you wanting a boy?

How will you divide your time with another child? Supporting teenagers through exam years is a big transition, they need to time and patience. How would you make sure your older ones have that support while meeting the physical needs of a baby and toddler? With all these children could you provide a calm quiet environment for exam study? These are all questions I’d be asking myself in your shoes.

the above is if all is smooth sailing with no complications. How would it work if you have pregnancy or butlers complications? What’s your partner like, is he going to more than do his share for you and all the children when needed?

if time and resources are limited it’s going to be your older dc that lost out every time.

This!!!
I wouldn't ask or worry about what they think.

She says in her OP that the child who doesn't want another sibling is a girl.

Maybe parents should consider their existing children more. So often parents just seem to ‘want another’, regardless of the impact. Isn’t three enough? You are just diluting your time and your resources every time. Maybe be happy with what you have?

I have 3 boys. My eldest 13 dosent want another sibling but my other 2 do 12 and 10

12 and 10 year old boys really want a baby in the household? I mean, they might have some rosy ideas about it but how can they possibly know the reality at their ages. Anyway, with those age gaps they aren't going to be "growing up" together or playmates.

@ginaseverni think at that age they dont understand what it takes to bring up another baby. My 10 year old asked if I would care about him any less. Told him that I wouldn't and I'd love and care about just like I do now, which is a lot. My kids are my world

I don't know why you've given your older children a vote at all. This is none of their business and you need to rein in your sharing.

Your daughter's behaviour with the sulking and meltdowns doesn't sound like what I would call normal.

Personally I’d consider how much of your time your teens will if you have another baby, plus already having a toddler. Support with school work, friend issues, emotions etc. but it’s your decision at the end of the day.

Is she ND? Maybe she finds the noise unbearable.

No, because I wouldn’t let a child dictate my life. That’s all there is to it

I would not factor at all her opinion on “not liking children”. She can choose not to have children herself. She doesn’t get to have an opinion on your reproductive choices and I’m not sure why you would have even discussed it with her in the first place.
That said, with two teens, I’d really think carefully about bringing another baby into the mix. They will be going into GCSE years with a noisy crying baby and a tantruming toddler distracting them and taking their parents attention away further.

I always remember a thread I saw on here once about a girl who had gone to her first year at university, was unhappy and desperate to spend quality time with her mum, but every time her mum visited she had to bring the young siblings so they never got to have a proper conversation. That’s the sort of scenario that would stop me having another.

I think this is a hard one. At the end of the day, a teenager shouldn't be able to dictate how her parents live the rest of their lives (within reason). She'll be off to uni/moving in with flatmates within 5 years. They also lack life perspective; so really can't comprehend what they're asking you to give up.

On the other hand, I know 2 siblings who don't actively hate each other, but grew up without much interest in each other and didn't even want each other as best men at their respective weddings. Another person absolutely loathed her baby sibling their entire lives, but it didn't help that she got moved out of her bed and bedroom the second the baby arrived. I'd struggle if having a baby meant one of my older children never wanted to come home or have anything to do with the family.

I think you will be stretched thin with 2 teens ,a toddler and a baby! of course its up to you but its a lot for anyone really .You are having to deal with a lot of different demands here .I think unless really desperate for another DC then I wouldnt

I was thinking this, especially as the OP says that she’s having meltdowns.

Why not just focus on the kids you already have? Teens need you, toddler needs you, having another baby will mean you physically, mentally and financially can't give them the same as you do now. Something has to give. Why do they have to sacrifice? 3 is already plenty!

It absolutely is possible to get away from a household dictated by the youngest ones if you choose to. There's 10 years between my oldest and youngest and we end up doing more stuff for the older one because the little one is happy with a sticker book, toys and stories pretty much anywhere whereas the older one has already developed interests and hobbies.

We do petting zoos and soft play when the big one is off doing other things. It takes a lot of planning and research, but it's not insurmountable by any stretch, particularly if the older one isn't living in the household full time.

In a situation where the older one is already struggling, I would absolutely prioritise activities and entertainment for them. Mine stays up with us once the younger ones are in bed for undivided attention, more adult TV and just to hang out with us.

Honestly I don't think I would have a baby with teens at home whether they were onboard or not.

Babies and toddlers are so time consuming and need to be centred in their home. I can't see how it would be possible to meet a baby's needs without negatively affecting older children throughout some really important years (both through having less time for them and inevitable noise and disruption a baby brings).

There are so many things to consider, from disturbed sleep and dealing with noise during revision to less opportunity to socialise (will they miss out on having friends around so they don't disturb the baby settling etc.? Or have to miss out on things because you can't give them a lift? If/when they are older, will you stop them going to parties or evening events in case they disturb their younger sibling coming in?).

What about if they need support with any of the million issues that can crop up in teenagers lives? Will you still be able to be there for them enough if they are the victim of bullying, develop poor mental health, break up with a partner, fall out with their friends if your new baby is teething or refusing to sleep? If your teen and your 1 year old are both really upset, who are you going to go to first?

Then there's the financial implications. Will a new baby affect how much support you can give them for university?