Unplanned 3rd with large age gap

[MustBeThursday]

We are undecided whether to continue. DC are 12 and 9. Eldest has SEN. Does anyone have a similar age gap?

Yes, my eldest were 9 and 11 when we had our 3rd - not remarriage or anything, just... life.

Obviously your context of a child with SEN needs to be taken into account, but you might find it does that child a lot of good to be able to take responsibility and to be looked up to by the baby.

My own experience has been wonderful: the two older ones were big enough not to be at all jealous, and small enough not to be embarrassed by parents still reproducing at that age! Our eldest in particular has been like a fun, cool uncle to his little brother, and has helped him at school in ways that we couldn't really.

I also found I had time to enjoy his babyhood in ways I couldn't with the other two: I was too inexperienced with the first to feel entirely confident, and too flipping busy with the second because the eldest was still a toddler. Third one was just so much more relaxed, for me and for him. Plus I could leave him with the two big ones if I needed to nip to the shop, where I often had to drag the other two out with me, as obviously leaving them alone wasn't an option!

The only downside is that when the two big ones went off to university he was a little bit on his own - but we got a dog, and that's been great (we've always had cats, but this is his dog, which is very different.

We also started inviting a friend on holiday with him - the sort of thing people often do with only children, so I don't think he lost out too much. Possibly an even better solution would have been a fourth child shortly before/after the 3rd, but again, that didn't happen.

So yes, unless you have real organisational issues with your SEN child, I'd absolutely say go for it. I don't regret it for an instant.

We have 22, 20, 15 and 3yrs! Like PP not a new relationship just whoops although eldest 2 were most definitely not amused that their parents still have sex 🤣 I love the big age gap. I really enjoyed the baby stage and felt more confident than when we had older ones. Also less juggling around the needs of elder 3.

20yr has ASD/ADHD and he did struggle with some adjustments but overall it's been relatively smooth sailing. Whilst there's always been some bickering amongst them they all adore their baby brother and we definitely see them more in the family room than previously - they used to spend a lot of time in their bedrooms unless food was on the go!

Downside though - I was more tired and interrupted sleep was a lot harder with youngest.

Not a new relationship for me either, just contraceptive failure. Eldest is autistic. I am concerned about being so much older, I had my first at 25 and I’m now 37.

There was a 12 year and 9 year age gap between me and my siblings. DM was 39 and DF was 46 when I was born. It was fine, I didn't know any different. Siblings both left home at 18 for uni and so it was a bit like being an only child. When they were older my siblings babysat when my parents were out.

That's exactly the age I was when I had number 3. It is more tiring - but I was also able to rest more than I had with the second.

I was warned from the off that there was a higher risk of stuff going wrong than for the other two, so you do have to be aware of that. In the end I had somewhat raised BP and a cervix that was open a bit too soon, so I was told to rest (and no "frolicking" for a few weeks! - but it was all ok in the end. I can't really think of anything else that went wrong, not more than the usual anyway.

Not quite as big a gap - mine were nearly 10 and 8 when dc3 was born. I was also 37 (vs 27 with my first, that felt like a big gap!). It's still fairly early days for us as youngest is only 14 months but I'll share my experience so far.
Pros

• the older 2 absolutely adore their baby sibling, it's brought out a really nurturing side in ds in particular

• It's much easier to meet everyone's needs with the older ones being older e.g. they can feed themselves etc.
• Older 2 have more responsibility in a good way - before it was easy for me to just do everything for them, now this is no longer the case and I think this is a very good thing!
• We spend more time together as a family, with 2 was easy for one parent to go off and do other things or to divide and conquer and have one each - now we all tend to stick together a bit more.
• Things like swimming are possible on your own, that would be a nightmare with 3 little ones.
• I've reduced my hours at work so am generally around more which benefits all the children (perhaps not financially!)
• Baby goes to bed earlier than the older ones so they can always have 1-1 time in the evening.

Cons

• it is relentless! The mess, the laundry, someone wanting something, the noise - we used to be a pretty calm and tidy household so I have struggled with this!
• I worried so much about my other children before having dc3 but I think the has added far more positives to their lives. What I did not forsee was the impact on me - all of the things that are great for the kids have definitely taken their toll on me, I barely ever have a chance to socialise and feel that I have definitely lost a lot of my own identity. This happens with any baby of course and I have been through this before but I think it is hard coming out of the otherside, regaining some time/freedom etc and then going back. It seems obvious really but as I loved it when my older ones were babies/toddlers I didn't think I'd struggle so much this time.
• My body has definitely taken a pounding- I lost the baby weight with no real struggle but have loose skin now - probably a combination of third pregnancy and being older, as I didn't have any after my first 2. My pelvic floor has also suffered despite exercises.
• life was generally just so much easier with 2!