Surprise third pregnancy - scared and totally unsure

[LucyEleanorModeratz]

Hello Mumsnet

I am mum to two wonderful DC aged 5 and 2. They are my everything and I adore every aspect of parenthood - I am so blessed. After my second was born, I found myself desperate for a third (not immediately) - but I think on reflection that was probably largely attributable to hormones and also a sense of loss at never doing pregnancy / the baby stage again.

I have now found out I’m pregnant unexpectedly with no 3, around 6 weeks. I have no idea what to do.

I have a booked a consultation with BPAS for Tuesday to discuss a medical abortion but the closer I get to the call the less certain I feel it’s the right decision.

In terms of downsides, there are many. We are financially comfortable but a third would stretch us with new car, costly holidays etc. Less time for my existing two. Potential impact on my career, and I’m very career focussed and ambitious. Rolling the dice again as to health of the child (I’m 36 now). ALL I read about on mumsnet is how three is a terrible number of children to have. The list goes on.

But weighed up against that is the fact that in my heart I just don’t want to terminate, and I love the idea of a bigger brood.

My DH is wonderfully supportive and has said he will support whatever decision I make, though I think he’s happy with our current two deep down.

Does anybody have experiences of a surprise third pregnancy that worked out well? Any abortions that were later regretted?

Thanks for reading this far .

Were you using contraception? Because honestly, if you have actually been using contraception and are happy with the family that you have and didn’t plan for another child then I wouldn’t continue the pregnancy. Especially if you know deep down that your husband isn’t on board with it either.

When I fell pregnant with my third i had just left my abusive partner and moved to a new town, new house and was a little financially stretched and wasnt sure how I was going to manage 3 kids as a single mother but I decided to keep my baby and she ended up being the best addition to our home, I had a 3 and 4yr old when she was born. It didnt actually cost me much more now as I could fit 3 seats in the back of my car, I had the room and I got all the baby stuff on deals or boot sales. She is now 18 and I dont regret a single day with her and she did not take anything away from the older kids , we still went on the same holidays as we all shared a room and I was able to afford her school and sports and needs as she got older . I went back to work when she was 12months old. 3 kids is doable and manageable. If your heart is telling you to keep this little bean then id say very much you will regret an abortion. Everybody will find negatives to add another baby but there are a lot of positives too.

To me you sound like you would regret it.
Stop over thinking and go for it. You sound like lovely parents, stable relationship....whats one more, it will be fine 🥰

I was in your position. I now have a beautiful 8 month old. No regrets at all here, we did have to get a bigger car, and of course financial sacrifices like big holidays will have to be made.
My children were 2 and 7 when my baby came along. They adore each other.
I look at him now and I think, how could I ever have thought about not having you, it hurts my heart, however yes of course life is more hectic and the attention towards my older children is more split whilst the baby is so young but of course that will even out in time.
Best of luck whatever you decide. Xx

OP, you will manage with three, and if you like the idea of a larger family, then go for it. I know it’s a big decision, but if in your heart you want to keep this pregnancy, then do.

Very similar to you, surprise 3rd pregnancy when I was 36. Older dc were 5 & 7 and I had just got my career back on track.
Had similar thought process, but on balance I knew we would cope.
Well, it was the greatest blessing ever. Family felt complete, all 3 DC had great childhood, holidays were more about self catering in France rather than expensive hotels in exotic parts, but they were still wonderful.
DC3 has been the glue to hold them together and they are now all adults and get on amazingly.

My unexpected third completed our family. Older siblings were 6 and 4 when he was born,they adored him and still do 24 years later . Car issues etc are minimal in comparison to having another amazing addition to the family.
Edited. I was 38 when my lovely third was born.

Similar story here. Was unsure about having a 3rd, sort of decided that if it happens it happens (so didn’t prevent it) but I had instant feeling of regret upon finding out about the pregnancy. He’s here now and i feel sick at the thought that i considered abortion. My other two are 5 and 2 as well. Don’t do it, you won’t regret this baby once they’re here!

No wonder so many households are struggling and living on nowhere near enough when people keep having unexpected babies.

Kids are expensive. Your husband doesn’t want it. You have children you need to think about and what this will do to the quality of life.

To give a different perspective, I had an abortion. I have never once regretted it. All this, “you’ll never regret a child but you will regret an abortion” just isn’t true. I actually filled in a medical questionnaire that asked if I had ever had an abortion and I initially ticked no because I actually forgot, and had to go back and change it. It simply doesn’t feature in my life at all because it was absolutely the right decision.

You need to make the right decision for you and your husband and your family. That might be having the baby, and if it is then that’s great. But it also might not be having the baby, and you have to think realt carefully about it. But make the decision for your family best interests, not because someone online said “oh, you never regret a baby.”

Sounds like you were pretty clear in your decision to have an abortion. OP is very unsure and her main reasons for it are practical things. Anyone who has any doubts about having an abortion, should not go ahead with it in my option. OP jus have a read at some of the threads on here about regret. Interestingly it’s quite often to do with the third pregnancy.

Thank you all for your thoughtful comments - I appreciate you taking your time to respond. I do feel consumed with the worries of the practicalities but fundamentally none of them (to my mind) measure up against the possibility of new (and much loved) life.

@SargeMarge I sympathise with your viewpoint but that’s not the case with us. My husband and I both earn well and a third, whilst adjusting our quality of living, would not leave us ‘struggling’. I’ve also had an abortion myself, when I was at university many years ago, and like you it’s something I seldom think of. That being said, in my view there’s a stark contrast between 20 year old me in a casual relationship at university with somebody I knew wasn’t my forever person, versus 36 year old me pregnant by my lovely DH, in a happy and loving marriage and stable career, with what could potentially be a much-loved sibling for my two existing DC.

We certainly haven’t made our minds up but I think Tuesday is too soon for the consultation with BPAS so I will push that back for now.

Thanks again all x

Take your time op...sending hugs❤️
You will make the right decision

I had a termination for similar reasons about 8 years ago. At the time I was adamant it was the right decision but now I think about it and regret it every day. All the practical reasons were sound but I know we would have managed . If I could turn back the clock I would.

I’m so sorry you feel that way @CokeZeroPlease , truly heartbreaking. I hope you find some peace. Sending love xx

@LucyEleanorModeratz ❤️ I hope you are taking the time to look after yourself

I am the other side of a larger family and am exhausted. Parenting both emotionally and financially has not stopped despite one being 30. Some of the kids are disabled due to being autistic which has only caused more issues as they age. The costs of everything have been horrendous - driving , university, financial support and it’s cost me my career ambitions and my pension which I’ve never been able to pay into. We had a household income over £100k but the surprise last baby knocked our plans out. It’s not just the tiring but cute first few years it is right into adulthood and beyond.

As a surprise 3rd child with a mother who was a surprise 3rd child I'd keep it :) my gran died but was closest to her third child, my mam is closest to her 3rd child, I am/was close to both of them! Everyone's life would have been very different without those surprises!

How are you doing OP? Did you decide to keep the pregnancy? x

Hi @spicytuna06 , thank you for checking in. I sadly went ahead with an abortion a few weeks after that post, and to be brutally honest I regretted it instantly, considered not taking the second set of pills etc. The process itself was horrendous. I think of that little bean everyday and have been consumed by self-hatred ever since. I think about trying to conceive properly but I just couldn’t do it as I’m so sure some karmic forces would mean something awful would happen with that pregnancy or baby, after what I did 😔

I have some moments where I think it was perhaps the right idea - what with the war in Iran and the inevitable cost of living spike heading our way - but my overarching feeling is one of profound regret and shame xx

I dont think you should feel shame at all. I had a termination my circs were very different to yours but I was truely torn as I really wanted baby no2. Bpas offer counselling. Talk to your DH.

Hi @LucyEleanorModeratz , I’m really sorry that I asked! There is nothing to be ashamed of, you prioritised your existing family in this difficult time and that is huge! I’m sorry again, sending you hugs 🙌🏻

Thank you for your kind words @Parcelpass 🩷

Please don’t apologise @spicytuna06 - if even one woman deliberating an abortion reads my post and my response to you and gives that decision a longer and more in depth consideration, then it’s worth it as far as I’m concerned xx