Adding a 4th at age 40/41

[Latinatta]

After many years of deliberating about having a third child (and an ectopic pregnancy after DC#2) I have got my delicious DS2 strapped to me and snoozing whilst I write this, he is 15 weeks. I recently turned 40. Easy pregnancy and labour although I was definitely more tired than in previous pregnancies, but we did do an international move at 6m pregnant so that didn’t help!

My eldest two are 9 and 6. Girl and boy. They adore their little brother. He was something of a surprise- we had kept the door open but for many years nobody had walked through it and I really thought it was closed. The single fallopian tube also made that seem certain.

My eldest two have such a lovely relationship and ever since finding out I was pregnant I have felt a sense of sadness for my littlest that he wouldn’t have a sibling close to his age. I know many people say not to have a baby just to give a child a sibling, but for the first time in my life and after many years presuming we were done at two, I am contemplating a fourth. It feels as though then we would have two little ones who could experience childhood together, particularly when the eldest have left home which will be when DS3 would be starting secondary.

I work full time (when not on matl!), we are financially comfortable and we are likely to be overseas for most of the next four years which significantly reduces the cost of nursery/help.

But: I am 40, obviously might not even be able to conceive again (although I am wondering whether to consider IVF in the country we are moving to where it is cheaper and excellent). I wouldn’t want to wait for long as I’d like a small age gap and given my age imagine we’d need just to crack on. But am I insane?! This baby has been so much easier than going from 1-2 as the bigger kids just get it, and DD age 9 absolutely loves helping out, so can for example watch baby in the baby gym whilst I have a quick shower/cook them dinner. DH is fab and would support whatever I wanted.

This time last year I hadn’t even realised I was pregnant. So whilst a fourth sounds bonkers on so many levels, part of me thinks that as we’re already so unexpectedly back in newbornland, what’s one more?! I love my kids- they are brilliant, and I’d rather spend time with them than anyone else, they are such good company and I love building family traditions and sense of values.

Any wisdom or reflections welcome! I’m not expecting anyone else to tell me what to do, but observations both short and long term are welcome. The idea of going through pregnancy again at age 40 so soon after this one does make me feel a little anxious. Long term, would a fairly large gap of 6 years between the two ‘cohorts’ make it all seem more manageable? So only ever two teenagers at once 🤣

Thanks!

So if your husband buggers off, can you afford to pay for childcare for all 4 kids plus all living costs on your own ? And then put them all through university ?

if yes then go for it . Remember that one third to one half of all marriages split up and many men managed to avoid paying any child maintenance or do any parenting after the split .

no one ever thinks it will be them 🙁

Go for it!

For some reason whenever a question is asked on here, should I have another, people love to pile on and say its a terrible idea.

If you can afford it, try and see what happens. Give it a year or two tho, I wouldn't get obsessed or go down the ivf route with three existing children

Also be happy with what you have, and if a third comes along, happy days.

Don’t be silly

Go for it, woman. You only have one life, and you don’t want to regret not taking the plunge when you had the chance. Don’t listen to the naysayers who want to rain on your parade. You’ve got the money, time and energy. At your age, you might really hit the jackpot and even end up with twins. Double the joy. Double the fun. Lucky you. Good luck.

Tbh though my older siblings were 15 months apart and I was born when the eldest was 6. I hated it in all honesty, I always felt like the odd one out. No matter what I tried to do to fit in with them, they just had no time for me. It was like those 2 were a team and I was just alone. They had no interest in my interests which is understandable but it meant I was just alone a lot. I tried to make jokes and be more grown up to be like them so they liked me, but it just never worked. I'm close ISH to my oldest sibling now and don't really speak to my other sibling. I always said because of my own experience I either stick to 2 kids, or have 4. Sticking to 2 is best for me though lol.

I have 4 DC. My oldest was 7 when the youngest was born, but they have naturally fallen into the ‘older’ 2 and the ‘younger’ 2. I find it very, very hard work, and going back to that toddler/baby and then the toddler/toddler stage was hard.

Whilst technically nothing changes, you have to be aware that everything changes. You are adding a whole other person, personality, relationship etc to the house, and it’s hard.

The needs of the youngest will trump everyone else’s for a year (at least), and that is so difficult when others are doing homework’s and activities and everything else.

In my opinion, the arrangement you have now is perfect ! A beautiful baby, who you can raise with experience, but to whom you are able to give lots of attention while the older children are at school.

4 spreads you very thin.

There’s this age gap between me and my sibs, and I’d have loved an additional sib. However, that’s also because I have a really distant cold mother. That doesn’t sound like you. I was rather like an only child, esp after age 11. However, I’m now the parent of an only child (not my choice), and having imagined this would be terrible (my projections plus prejudices), she has a lovely life, is well a balanced teen, kind, friendly, and great fun.

In you position I would probably go for it for the reasons you state (I have three but all close in age). these days 40 is not old to have a baby.

however, you know from personal experience the difference between one baby (lovely) and baby+toddler (fraught). I think you are effectively in the “one baby” situation now.

one of dd’s friends is the youngest of three with much older siblings. Her parents have a relaxing time as siblings can babysit sometimes (including things like covering of parents need to pop out to the shop which I think makes a huge difference compared to schlepping your kids with you). They are always up for play dates because they only have one young child to please, and if dd was more available (which she’s not because we have thee close in age) they would be in and out of each others houses all weekend I’m sure. So there are benefits to that situation.

I would go for it.
I have kids with a 10 and 8 year gap with their young sibling.
I would have liked a fourth but finances wouldn't permit.
Now they are young adults, they are closer than they were as kids when they were at different stages in their lives.

poor older kids. What age are they ?
If you are Rich/well paid then employ a nanny

I can't comment on the maternal age issue but what I can say is that I have two sets of two....18, 15, 10 and 8. I didn't want my third born to be without a sibling due to older two being much older.

Yes it's been tough at times but very pleased with our decision. They're a great bunch. The house is always busy! Be prepared if you decide to go ahead....and congratulations 🎊 on your little bundle of joy! Enjoy the snuggles.

I think leaving the door open / letting fate decide, especially given your past fertility issues is very different from actively pursuing IVF in order to have a 4th child. For me, the IVF would be a step too far. I wonder if it could possibly backfire if or when the other children find out that baby number 4 was actively (and expensively) pursued despite already having 3 healthy children which may lead them to wonder if they weren’t good enough. Or the disappointment evident to them if the IVF was unsuccessful. But I accept that may be a big reach.

Another complicating factor to consider: you say you are going abroad for 4 years. That will involve a transition in lifestyle, education system, completely new friends and possibly a different language. These changes will impact your older children more than the younger one(s), particularly your DD who will be about 13 in school year 8 or 9 when you return. Looking ahead, you can anticipate that they will need more support due to the relocation, and the more young children you have the less time and support you will be able to offer the older ones. Of course you can’t predict all eventualities but I would say this one looks like it could be predictable.

I have 4 myself (boy, girl, boy, girl) with roughly 3 year age gaps. Interesting, the two who get on best and have done for many years are the 2 DDs with a 6.5 year age gap. The DSs used to fight like crazy when they were little (probably at its worst when DS1 was 10/11 and DS2 4/5). They are now an adult and a teen and have learned tolerance of each other’s differences and get on pretty well. I guess what I am saying is that age gaps aren’t necessarily a predictor of the strength of their relationships with each other - it often comes down to personalities and can change over time.

You will never regret having another baby :)

One of my DD has Autism, and one of my DS has Down syndrome. They didn't catch it until after he was born, so it came as quite a shock. My children are closer in age, but I think I would have loved having a child who could help a little bit more. I have no regrets about having four children, but I will warn that the hormones will be a bit much to handle if you already have three. My mum had me at 42 - I was her 3rd, and while I will say she was older than most of my friends' mums, she wasn't the oldest and a very capable and on-deck parent.

Really nice to hear the POV of someone who has done it and also has 2 sets of 2, thank you! I really love teenagers (lots of teen nieces / nephews and I taught secondary school in inner city London for a while) so the idea of a house full of them sounds lovely if full on. Thanks for your perspective!

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head that age gaps are not a predictor whatsoever of future sibling bond. I guess the one thing that’s certain is that if we stick at three that little one will essentially be growing up very much like an only child from secondary school onwards (unless the oldest can’t move out!).

I would also consider the increasing costs of helping them as young adults. I only have 2 small children but am already conscious and aware of many teenagers now not being able to move out for uni as they can’t afford accommodation fees.

We are also finding increasing issues with NHS care and have had to pay for private treatment for the kids, as well as private dental.

Lots of more costs to consider i think.

All 4 of mine and my DH’s parents also started having significant health issues in their 50s so i also wouldn’t want to still have young children at that age.

Thanks for this! Did you immediately think you would have a fourth when number three came long, or was it a gradual realisation? Interesting to hear from someone who, like me, very much made a decision on the basis of the little one having child company whilst growing up as opposed to the (many other) factors dominating the decision, money/parent energy etc. Would love to hear more about your thinking and how you see it now.

Lovely idea. And you aren't that old 🤣

Go for it !

your children are all close in age anyway .
everyone keeps telling me 3 to 4 is much easier than 2 to 3 kids . I hope so 🤞 as I’m currently 44 and 22 weeks pregnant with my 4th .
as long as you can financially and emotionally support your children and give them a stable life then don’t let others insecurities out you off . It’s not like you do t know what having kids takes after 3 . Good luck

We are a family of nine currently expecting our eighth child. I will be 41 when baby comes along. Honestly, the world needs more bigger families. And there's something so lovely about those bonds they share. I will never regret giving my bigger children the experience of a newborn sibling. Seeing the way my eldest and youngest light up when they see each other is so special. And no, my bigger ones do not raise their younger siblings.

Let the baby hormones leave your body. You may feel very differently when your snuggly newborn is crawling and you’re run ragged chasing after three kids!

As someone who’s longing for a third ended with twins, I would be careful. How would you feel with five…