Adding a 4th at age 40/41

[Latinatta]

After many years of deliberating about having a third child (and an ectopic pregnancy after DC#2) I have got my delicious DS2 strapped to me and snoozing whilst I write this, he is 15 weeks. I recently turned 40. Easy pregnancy and labour although I was definitely more tired than in previous pregnancies, but we did do an international move at 6m pregnant so that didn’t help!

My eldest two are 9 and 6. Girl and boy. They adore their little brother. He was something of a surprise- we had kept the door open but for many years nobody had walked through it and I really thought it was closed. The single fallopian tube also made that seem certain.

My eldest two have such a lovely relationship and ever since finding out I was pregnant I have felt a sense of sadness for my littlest that he wouldn’t have a sibling close to his age. I know many people say not to have a baby just to give a child a sibling, but for the first time in my life and after many years presuming we were done at two, I am contemplating a fourth. It feels as though then we would have two little ones who could experience childhood together, particularly when the eldest have left home which will be when DS3 would be starting secondary.

I work full time (when not on matl!), we are financially comfortable and we are likely to be overseas for most of the next four years which significantly reduces the cost of nursery/help.

But: I am 40, obviously might not even be able to conceive again (although I am wondering whether to consider IVF in the country we are moving to where it is cheaper and excellent). I wouldn’t want to wait for long as I’d like a small age gap and given my age imagine we’d need just to crack on. But am I insane?! This baby has been so much easier than going from 1-2 as the bigger kids just get it, and DD age 9 absolutely loves helping out, so can for example watch baby in the baby gym whilst I have a quick shower/cook them dinner. DH is fab and would support whatever I wanted.

This time last year I hadn’t even realised I was pregnant. So whilst a fourth sounds bonkers on so many levels, part of me thinks that as we’re already so unexpectedly back in newbornland, what’s one more?! I love my kids- they are brilliant, and I’d rather spend time with them than anyone else, they are such good company and I love building family traditions and sense of values.

Any wisdom or reflections welcome! I’m not expecting anyone else to tell me what to do, but observations both short and long term are welcome. The idea of going through pregnancy again at age 40 so soon after this one does make me feel a little anxious. Long term, would a fairly large gap of 6 years between the two ‘cohorts’ make it all seem more manageable? So only ever two teenagers at once 🤣

Thanks!

Crazy. I say that as a mum of 4 with 11 years between one and four (she is 6yrs younger than next sibling so effectively an only in terms of playing and companionship).

you will be super hormonal with a very new baby. Acknowledge that and allow yourself the feelings but I would seriously caution against 4 - especially at your age.

I think it is the hormones....and there's nothing quite like snuggling a peaceful newborn. I think it quite different once there is a teen/toddler in the house.
Although, that is me and my thoughts. You might love the idea of a fourth, if so, get cracking!

A close friend did, for exactly the same reasons as you. It worked out well for her, but they had also had horses, dogs, a cat, chickens and was able not to go back to work until her youngest started school.

Crackers. What if it’s got significant needs? Quit while you’re ahead I say

Wait for the hormones to subside a bit then, if you still feel the same, just let nature take its course and what will be will be.
Certainly do not disrupt your and the family's life with IVF.

Not every baby born to an older mother has additional needs. It used to be commonplace to babies have 40 years + especially before contraception became available . You can test for Downs etc and make a decision then

You can’t test for autism and lots of other needs/ conditions. I didn’t even mention her age. 3 kids is plenty at any age.

Two babies/toddlers is a lot of work. I think the impact on your older two would be pretty negative, particularly if you and your husband both work full time. I have 3 and work part time and it’s a big commitment to give all the kids what they need time wise, emotionally and logistically as they get older. One more would definitely tip the balance to someone missing out.

I think your hormones are probably a big part of this and your brain is providing a rationale to suit (this neat 2x2 idea). But not many families can meet the needs of four kids and it’s often the older ones who lose out.

I love the idea of 2x2. Would have done it if I'd started earlier.

Maybe see how you feel when the baby needs you more e.g. crawling, weaning

Im 40 and have been trying for a year with ivf to extend our family. I think its something for you and your partner to decide not people from internet who are going to tell you all the negatives about expanding your family as they themselves cant see them doing it so they project that on to others. I have a relatively large family , most of my kids are young adult to young teens but we started over and now we have a 4 and 2 yr old and just praying we can manage to have one more before my body shuts this part of my life down forever. If you want another baby then you dont need to explain your reasonings to anyone.

Go for it. If that’s what your ❤️ says. I also work full time. Five kids. The older ones take care of the younger ones, and have been great about giving up their extracurriculars to look after them. DH and I are high earners so don’t have to claim anything from the state.

The fact you're already planning for your eldest to watch the baby is concerning. Of course a 9 year old thinks it's fun and cute. 11/12 year olds are totally different and shouldn't be used as nannies.

My point exactly. How sad for your children that they're having to sacrifice their own activities to look after their sibling. Completely unacceptable.

Completely agree. It's really poor form not to plan in how you'll meet all your children's needs including activities that enrich their lives. I'm sure that parents who do this will claim that sacrificing for siblings is the best decision but it's one the parents should pay not the existing children.

Let the hormones settle and take some time to really think about it. I have four with 7 years from top to bottom and it's a LOT. I found they need you more as teenagers (in different ways). I have felt spread thin at times - and I have been a SAHM until recently so was at home when they got home from school etc. I would also echo not relying on the older ones - of course they are happy now but if they are always having to babysit or answer to "can you just ..." then it could be an issue.

(Congratulations on your new baby and enjoy the baby moon cuddles!)

Going against the grain here i would definitely go for a fourth. It’s what we hoped for but sadly didn’t work out (slightly older than you @Latinatta ) and now with a similar agar gap we have a teen who wishes she had a sibling closer to her in age as hers are now adult and not interested or able to do a lot of the activities she still wants to do.

Don't do anything rash OP. My husband and his sisters had the same age gaps as yours, two close in age and one 6 years younger. They are all very close and I don’t think the younger one felt she missed out having a sibling closer in age.

Im in the thick of baby plus toddler, we’ve had 6 or 7 weeks of the baby waking every 1 - 2 hours all night, and constant nursery illness. It’s bloody hard. We’re exhausted and compared to having one baby it’s insanely more difficult and tiring. I can’t imagine having to deal with older children as well and can imagine you would have very very little time for them.

Congratulations on your new baby! I completely understand your thinking, you have a family that enjoys being together and big families are a joy. However you asked for any insights so being a lot further down the road than you I really didn’t appreciate how expensive teens and young adults are. School trips, supporting through university, all of ours did 4 year courses a couple of years overlap , paying rent in expensive cities. Going on holiday with teens , meals out are so expensive and we’d often include boyfriends/ girlfriends. When you become a large group you have to plan ahead, restaurants can rarely sit 6/7 etc without a booking, size of cars, rooms, sofas, teenage boys just physically take up a lot of space! I’m not saying don’t follow your heart, but feeling financially stable now, it takes a lot to continue to have fun family times experiences with older kids and successfully launch them to adulthood.

Quit while your ahead. You have 3 children, its more than enough it will just be hormones.

I would do a forward projection. We had our bonus baby when I was 40, oldest 2 are 10 and 13 years older.
She is an absolute delight, and I was sorely tempted to try for a sibling for her. Now I am 58 I am so glad we didn't. She has had a great life but is now at the point of driving lessons and Uni. It limits our ability to save for retirement or slow down. So glad I haven't got another one to bolt on. Each year seems more valuable in your 50s and 60s

OP asked for opinions to help her decide, not for anyone to make the decision for her.
People don't leave in a vacuum and it's good to bounce ideas around.

I’ve got three - 12, 5 and nearly 2. There have been moments of thinking I could add in a fourth after cuddling friends’ newborn babies. If I could permanently have that stage, I would. They all grow up though and, whilst I still love my kids more than anything and think they’re the best little people in the world, I really don’t want to add another one to the chaos. Entertaining the eldest and the younger two is challenging because their interests are so different.

Very interesting reading all of these replies, thanks to all for your input! Responses seem to fall into totally separate categories, goverened by finances / impact on existing kids / challenge of two toddlers / challenge of expensive teenagers / experience of the younger child when siblings are grown up.

Fascinated to know why if at all people think IVF versus normal conception at 40 would be so awful. I figured it could hugely speed up conception and allow for some genetic screening given higher chance of issues at 40+ and my single tube!

On the older siblings point, I’m absolutely confident that we wouldn’t allow them to be impoverished by the experience. For the next four years they’ll do all of their extra-curricular at school (international school with lots of clubs) or at home (music lessons)… and when back in the UK home is a very walkable zone 2 bit of London where hardly anyone drives their kids to activities anyway- they walk, or bus.

I guess I can’t think of a better thing longer term to bring well-loved humans into the world. Shorter term it’s the sleep, energy, physical consequences that scare me.

Financially I have no doubt the teenage years would be very difficult, but I can’t get my (pretty good) pension until 65 anyway so I’ll need to be working and earning for the next 25 years in any event. We have a relatively small mortgage and I’m already funnelling any savings towards the kids and confident I could invest well so all had a head start. I’m lucky to have a stable job and DH works from home and I could also go down to part time in future years if needed.

If I had three with small gaps I think I wouldn’t give it a second thought! It’s really the chance for a sibling dynamic that I’m thinking about- it literally kept me awake when I was pregnant as well. Conscious I am super super lucky to have three healthy and happy kids.

Overriding advice to ride out the hormonal wave duly noted, I’m sure that is very wise indeed!!

Sounds like you have it all figured out. I think you are very fortunate to be in a position to know that

1. Nothing about your life will change in the future in terms of finances/job/lifestyle etc.
2. And knowing for sure that your 2 children will remain close into adulthood and your current baby will be close to future sibling.
3. you can put 4 kids through university (if they choose to go) so they don’t have massive debts and can save towards a mortgage etc

I had my child at 40. She was an ivf baby genetically screened before transfer. She is absolutely perfect so it’s possible. I did have loads of screening throughout pregnancy (privately born in the UK)

best of luck

Well, more children is harder work, making you more thinly spread. BUT I wouldn't let your age put you off. I have three children, and only started when I was older than you! First and third were ivf, and the middle one was conceived naturally in my mid 40s. And yes I did all the pregnancy screening (we are in the 21st century) and all good :)