3rd child?

[floralandfresh]

Hello,
Im an over thinker and anxious person so thought posting this on here may help me with others thoughts and views

I have 2 children aged 8 and 4. Im 31 and husband is 36. I have a career I enjoy as does my husband. I work part time. I love my job but my family is more important.

We are thinking about a third child but my head and heart have different views and I’m obsessing over this every day. Need to come to a decision.
It is not for another “baby” it’s for another person in our family. i picture another person in our family, and even in photos of my children I feel someone is missing. I feel like I’d need to do it now due to my age and the ages of my current children. But my head fights this and my worries are:
is the age gap too big?
is it going to affect the dynamic with my current children?
what is baby has health issues and impacts my children- I’d be naive to think this isn’t a possibility.

Does anyone have any experience they could share which may help?

When my (unplanned) third child, DS2, was born, DD was 5 ¼ and DS1 was almost 8. It took me 9 months of pregnancy to come round to the idea, but DS2 has been and still is a joy. He will be 40 this year. It does add another layer of things you have to factor into bringing them all up. Taking kids to school while breastfeeding a young baby was tricky at times. Child care while working was awkward at times. Holidays with a teenager a tween and a six year old took some navigating. Some things got more expensive. It worked out though.

I don't think any age gap is too big really. Many people don't get the age gap they'd have planned for mNu reasons and in adulthood the age gaps close. I know people with age gaps of 8-10 years who never had any conflict as children and are close as adults. It will mKe things logistically different for you as a parent but that's up to you whether you think it's worth it or not.

Yes it will change the dynamic of your older two and indeed the whole family. but that doesn't have to be for the worse.

Health issues in the baby yes it's something to consider. However at your age the odds of this are not particularly significant. I mean this could happen to anyone but I know what you mean, it's always a roll of the dice really with that for any pregnancy and you're right to consider it seriously with two existing children.

I can't tell you what to do and I won't. Eventually you just have to take a decision either way really. I agonised over it for literally years after I had DC2 as well so I do understand. Mine were now 7, 4 and 1 and it's bloody hard work a lot of the time but also often great fun. I actually wish we could have a 4th now but we can't afford another so we won't.

I have 3 kids- 12 yr, 9yr and 4yr, so very similar gaps.

It was best decision we ever made and really brought whole family together. It is beautiful to see the eldest with the youngest- a completely different dynamic, he absolutely adores her. For me personally it allowed me to really enjoy the third, with eldest two out at school I had time to spend on the baby classes etc (which was really hard to do with the second as k always had toddler in tow!).

Middle child took a bit of adjusting from being the baby, but they are now really close. To the extent that the two older ones have asks if we can have another baby (absolutely not, I am 40 this year!!).

Downside that it is going back into nappies etc, and it cost us a fortune as we had already got rid of a lot of the baby stuff. Totally worth it though and wouldn’t change it for the world!

what is it you are specifically worried about? Happy to answer any questions

Thanks for your very helpful comment. Nice that my proposed age gap would be the same as yours.

I suppose I’ve read a lot online about middle child syndrome, dynamic being affected, people seem to mention they regret the third child! We have family who don’t think we should as they say we have a “perfect set up” as it is.

That aside, I worry about work judging me for a third maternity leave but I can get over that.

My children are the exact same ages as the above poster. The youngest was a little lockdown surprise and I was really worried about coping with three as we live far from family and DH works away a lot.
The first year was a little tricky getting used to three and school runs etc but I’m so glad that this is how our family has turned out to be.

It’s perfect for us and when I look to the future I imagine a busy house with lots of laughter. (I realise there will be lots of bumps along the road too). We’ve managed cars/holidays etc fine (I know alot of people worry about this) Our 2 youngest share a room still but that’s been lovely actually and will change soon.

You sound like you have really strong family values - I don’t think you’d regret a third child at all. Don’t worry about work, any awkwardness/judgement would pale into insignificance when you have your three and your family feels complete.

Thank you so much for this. I actually think it will be perfect for us and your experience is really reassuring. I was expecting for people to say “why do you want more etc, be thankful for what you have got”.

I guess the other consideration you haven’t mentioned is would you cope if the 3rd pregnancy was actually twins so you had 4 DC ? I have two friends ( no history of twins in the family) who both opted for number 3 and became proud parents of DC 3 and 4 ! With it came significant extra expense - larger car, bigger house / extension without considering university fees etc. as they got older.

I had DD at 32, DSs were 4.5 and 7. She’s 3 now. It’s lush! No regrets! We ummed and ahhed for years and there was the pandemic in the middle too. Shouldn’t have bothered waiting for Covid to end because just before she was born Russia/Ukraine broke out anyway. There’s always some reason not to.
I like the age gaps though, they all get on so well and I couldn’t have coped with 3 preschoolers at once for example!

Yes totally realise this could be a risk and it’s actually one I’d be scared of, not going to lie!

That actually happened to a good friend of mine. She had DDs within two years of each other, and then wanted another to have the single baby experience, but had identical twin DSs (no family history) instead. She coped very well with it - her DH less so when they were very young, but all fine now they're all adults. Only her DDs have had children though (younger two, the DSs, are almost 40 now).