Pregnant with third, husband has said it is last

[Maybebaby6]

I have loved having my children. I'm pregnant with our third currently and am very excited. Husband and I always wanted a biggish family of 3-4 kids if we could. However now I'm pregnant with the third, my husband recently said he felt this was our last one. I think because for so long I had four in my mind I assumed it would not be our last, but that said I think four theoretical kids are definitely easier to look after than the reality. That's definitely the case for two and I am sure will be the case for three.

I think I could (and will need) to make peace with three. I feel so lucky for reasons I won't go into, I thought at one point we may never have any. But I'm also one of five! So to me family is big lovely chaos. I also really worry about one being left out - although with two boys and a girl on the way maybe there will always be a slight divide in sex at least. They will all be close in age.

I don't even really know what my question is. I'm hoping to hear from families with three about their experiences. If you feel it was enough busy chaos. Maybe advantages to sticking at 3.

Thank you, and please be kind. I know there is always a risk of phrasing things wrong or being overly naive.

A lot of posts on here are warm and I think it would have been lovely to be in such chaos with multiple siblings. Unfortunately, I experienced the opposite. I’m youngest of three siblings and have a 7 year gap and a 4 year gap with them. My parents expected them to parent me and my siblings were still kids themselves. I rarely got attention from my parents and never went on any outings like going to the shops for example, with my dad - ever. I’m not close with my siblings I ended up playing on my own and staying out of my parent’s way. I am now a mum of 1 (had trouble having more).

I think what is lovely is if the parent/s can balance it all.

Weirdly, my parents who have at least 1 or 2 siblings each, are estranged from them. In my family tree (and DH’s), big family numbers clearly don’t work.

This sounds ridiculous. You’ve not even had your third yet and you’re already grieving your fourth..? You’re only a mummy to little ones…? Don’t you think you’re going to be a mother to them for the next goodness knows how many years…? There’s more to being a mother than the ‘baby years’. Get over yourself and focus on the kids that you currently have.

Poor kids.

OP I get you. I am in my element being a mummy. I have 3 under 5 at the moment. Husband joked about a fourth. Although I’m tempted I know he only meant it flippantly. It’s a lovely idea as a 4th baby but I think we are done. Agree with PP about 3 being the magic number. I don’t think could stretch my attention to 4, i want everyone to feel enough love and attention.

He could still change his mind. We had 3 under 3 and were both done, gave away all the baby things. I had a very hard pregnancy and birth (bleeding the whole pregnancy, preterm labour from 27 weeks, waters breaking and labour at 31 weeks then placental abruption and EMCS) so I thought that was a sign we should stop.

3.5 years later I started wanting another, DH didn't at all at first but then changed his mind after some time and said we can start trying when youngest was about to turn 5. Then I got pregnant before that (not planned) and will now be due the same month she turns 5.

But there are definitely some advantages to staying at 3 children. Fitting in a normal car is the biggest one. Fitting in a normal 3 bedroom house, as there's normally 2 bigger rooms and then a small room for 1 child. Holidays, it's possible for there to be hotel rooms fitting 5 people but there won't be any which fit 6 people.

FFS that's unfair. She has 4 under 5, of course it's relentless and exhausting but if people are describing her family as 'calm and lovely' she's obviously doing a great job. Lots of small kids are exhausting (I had 3 under 5 at one point).

I'm the eldest of four and loved being part of a big family. We lived in a big rambling farmhouse, there were no money worries and both my parents were available and engaged parents (we loved spending time outside on the farm with Dad) so my childhood was pretty idyllic. Yes, it was noisy and there was lots going on but that is to expected with six people in a house. We didn't particularly view ourselves as a big family though, only one of my friends only had one sibling, everyone else was from a family of 3 or 4 or 5 kids.

Of my siblings, two of us are married and have 3 kids (both married to people from larger happy families), the others are single. I had my kids late and in quick succession, and knew I was done after DC3. If I'd started earlier then I'd maybe have had a fourth, maybe not, it's difficult to say. We have a big house and high income so aren't really restricted that way but DH and I both work and so we're very busy. We both were PT when the DC were small but now with teenagers we're both FT. Love having 3DC, loved being one of 4DC. Different sized families suit different people.

A heck of a lot of feckless fathers out there though. So many threads on MN about how a partner cheats during pregnancy or soon after, then leaves 'to find themselves' or some other bollocks only to go on and father another womans child? Nature makes sex so good because of procreation of the species and there are a lot of men who didn't get the memo. They just want the sex and leave the birth control to women. So many men on here don't want to use condoms 'it's not the same' or have the snip because they might think it's emasculating in some way to fire blanks, inspite of having fathered kids.
I don't go with the idea of most men wanting kids, I'm sure a lot do but how many take their share of child care [work considered as it is for a woman] ? They disappear of on 'hobbies' for hours / days/ weeks on end through out the year, ref. MN. When do women get to do this, would they even want to?
For majority of women our brains are hot wired to nurture and care for our young, generally because we give birth to them, but we can bond with adopted babies / young children and blended step kids too.
It's the patriachel society that keeps women as the main child rearers, trying to juggle work and home, not the men.

It will always be part of your identity but there is much more to you also!

I’m Catholic and grew up surrounded by families with 6 - 13 children. Being one of four myself was considered a small
family. For whatever reason, most
of those people from much larger families (we’re now in our 40s and 50s) have two children. A few have three. None have more than three.

Excuse me? My children are very well cared for. They are happy, polite, funny, charismatic and we receive regular comments about them being very nice children. Most importantly, they are nurtured and loved, live in a safe, clean home and never want for anything. We as the adults may be tired and overwhelmed but that doesn't change these things.

So piss off with your shitty comment.

Thank you. Some people just like to be utterly nasty for no reason.

Three is more than enough busy chaos for me, I honestly think having a fourth would send me over the edge mentally and physically. It feels relentless, in a wonderful way, but I can’t imagine being able to give enough of myself to another child, and to support them in the way I’d want, although I know families of 4 kids who do a wonderful job of it. But in terms of whether three gives you that feeling of a bigger family, it absolutely does, mine are 12, 10 and 6 now and they are so different, and have so many interests and friends and are going in all sorts of directions that you never really have a spare minute. And in terms of whether you only want a third or a fourth because who else would you be, if not a mum, that’s definitely a question that resonates. It’s been really interesting for me to experience how being a mum changes as they get older. I follow a woman on Facebook called the 21st-century SAHM and she’s just written a book called “who do I want to be when they grow up“. Haven’t got my hands on it yet because it’s in the states but definitely addresses that feeling a lot of us end up with when we have been busy racing boisterous families.

Thank you for this recommendation, I am going to look into the book. I think it may help me a lot.

This is unnecessarily harsh. Clearly youve never been in this situation.

I need this book!

Your problem is definitely lack of identity as a person. If you are 'just a mum', you risk being like those 1950s women who got depressed when the last one went off to school, knowing what to be if not a wife and mother. If you don't want to be in for a rather bleak future once your children are off to school and their own life, start finding your sense, your passion, what you were born for. This is what will remain with you once your children start doing their own lives - which must happen, and it happens pretty soon. Otherwise you'll have to keep popping one out every couple of years until the end of your reproductive life, and then beg for grandchildren. Again, the fifties.

Please work on yourself and your expectations - siblings happily playing with one another, loving each other till the end of time. My husband is one of five siblings, and he barely sees a couple of them once a year, even if they all got on very well in childhood. My son is an only child and incredibly happy and fulfilled. I am one of three and love my siblings. Life is not one size fits all.

We agreed on 4 but last ended up twins and still I would have more but we decided enough as finances keep us comfy and would be stretched adding another as they get older. Love my life and now have 3 under 4 plus olders and our adopted ones aswell

I have a very large family and I love it. It has its days and it can be relentless but overall wouldnt change it for the world and we are trying for another baby. I think it shouldn't matter what other people think and you just do you. If you can afford your children and your lifestyle then have all the kids you want. Obviously your husband has to agree also. People are negative about a growing family because they cant see themselves being able to do it or afford it and then project that onto others. My husband and I changed our lives to extand our family. We saved every cent and bought a cheap house out in the country/bush on 1 and a half acres and we have been renovating the house to suit our needs. Before buying the house we bought a 14 seater bus to accommodate our growing family, I gave up work to become a stay at home mum and my husband started his own contracting business to increase our income so no one had to miss out. We dont do a holiday every single year but we still do holidays, we lots of day trips, we go out to eat, the kids have extra curricular activities like soccer, volleyball, gymnastics. They go out with friends and all the normal things that any one else would do in a " smaller family".

I have 5DSs and one DSS - all grown up now. Id say that it has to be up to both of you . If your DH feels 3 is enough then you should respect that . Going past 3 you have to have a different car . Holidays are so much more expensive.Things like extra curricular hobbies , school trips , driving lessons, uni, in the future are an issue. You can't help them all to get on the property ladder . The list goes on . Having said that I love my family obviously but there are alot of things to consider .

I stuck at 3 as like another poster said they can all fit in one car (we did have a seven seater but it’s easier when going away to only use 5). I also wanted all mine to have their own rooms/space so had to buy a 4 bed house (5 beds are limited and much more expensive). We also enjoyed holidays abroad which wouldn’t have happened if we’d had more. I’m glad we stuck at 3 but I know of others with bigger families that love the chaos more bring.

I have 4 but I think with your line up 3 is perfect (2 boys, 1 girl) Most families i know with this line up and who went for a 4th had another boy. So your daughter may not get a sister ( if that's what you have in mind)

With four kids, there can be two separate bickering pairs to break up at once :-0