Planning for two sets of children intentionally

[liina]

Hi everyone,
I have two sons right now, and sometimes I worry that our family feels a bit small. At the same time, my finances are limited, and I'm about to start a farm, so I'm trying to plan carefully.

Lately, I've been thinking — are there mums out there who intentionally had a second set of children several years after the first? For example, I have two now, and I'm wondering if I should have two more in about 7 years. Part of me feels like just one more might be lonely, so two seems better.

Is this something other families have done? What made you decide to have a second set of kids later on, and how has it worked out for you — emotionally, financially, or even in terms of sibling dynamics? I'd love to hear how others have navigated this."
Note: I'm not worried about starting all over, please share your experiences

My granny did this. She had my dad and his sister then 6 years later had a boy and a girl. Funnily enough the younger sister and my dad was closer. They all got on well though. Can't tell you the finances side but it seems to all be personality on who gets on with who even with big age gaps

My DM did this and as a result my two eldest siblings are more like acquaintances that I don’t know very well! By the time that DSis I were growing up the older two had already left home and were away building their careers in separate parts of the country. It’s definitely not a dynamic I’d intentionally choose for my children

The idea of going back to nappies and sleepless nights once your kids are a bit more independent could well put you off

Why would you do that to yourself?

I guess to recover enough financially to do it again? I can see why someone might do that.

MIL had a 3rd child after a 12 year gap from her 2nd, I think because she had established her career and felt she'd was in a position to go for it once more time. Amazingly she managed to hide her pregnancy from employers until she went off to give birth as sadly she felt that was going to be necessary back then.

I think you would need to consider the impact on the older ones of having babies around. They’re going to want to spend time doing things the younger ones can’t do, so either the older ones can’t do their activities with both parents, or the younger ones have to go places where they can’t join in or where they won’t be interested, and vice versa.

An old friend has done this. To me it seems like the worst of both worlds. I can see some appeal in having children older after you’ve lived a bit of a life; or having them young and then looking forward to the life you’ll have after them. But by the time said friend’s youngest set are grown she’ll have had perpetual responsibility for children for almost four decades, and been pretty skint for most of them.

You say your family currently feels a bit small; but having two “sets” isn’t necessarily going to change that. There’s only ten years between me and my youngest brother and, whilst we get on pretty well now at ages 29 and 39, we never felt like siblings in any meaningful sense growing up, I was out of the house and off to university when he was still an irritating small child. It’s difficult to be a big, happy family trying to appease a huge range who don’t live in the same house or share lives.

I just have one little one and one older so not the same (9 year age gap) and not intentionally planned but it has worked well in some ways and they do get on. The one thing I'd say to think about is logistics. You may be more in need of a village, an involved partner or outside help with a larger age gap. My DP works away and it has been tricky running older DS to hobbies etc many of which have a late pick up (as they're teens now), after my younger DD's bed time. Also, it's a bit like you're on double shift at times. You get littler one(s) into bed and then have another shift of teenager time when they need connection time/chatting/film etc.

My mother had one at 17 and then a couple more in her early 40s. That's an extreme case but it's definitely done

That’s what the late queen did. Not sure if it was intentional or not

My Mum did, by mistake 🫢 I got a bit fed up trailing around after the older ones and spending all weekend bored at their activities. But of all the complaints to have that’s it really.

What is the age gap between the two sets of your DM,

How old are you? If you’re not planning on having the second set for another several years then I’d hazard a guess you’ll be in your 40s but I could be completely wrong about that!

you also say that you have limited money and are about to start a farm?! Do you really think adding more children is a good idea? Sounds like you’ll be worked to the bone. Why do that to yourself?

A friend of mine is in her 40s has 4 kids (all late teens) and is now pregnant again and I think intends to have another after that! By the time she’s done she will have been raising kids for 40 odd years. Is that really what you want because your family seems small? (It isn’t by the way)

I'm not worried about starting overits not an issue with me, I'm not worried about starting over

To set my foot financially, I really love a large family but can't afford it now

I know it might not be your choice, and it wouldn’t be mine either, but is it really such a shock someone else might have chosen to do that? Your post is really judgmental - some people like raising kids and extending the period of their life doing that is exactly what they want.

I'm 27,i really love not love but yearn for a largish family, my own tribe, will start trying again at 33

How old are your current DC? Is a “tribe” realistic based on that? The early years with the younger ones will be the nappies and tantrums stage, and by the time they’re old enough to be more or less functioning humans, are the older ones likely to be interested in being part of a “tribe”? If you’re starting a farm then I’m assuming you live rurally - I also wouldn’t underestimate the challenges of trying to balance the needs of smaller ones whilst also acting as general taxi service to ferry teenagers out to the local town and to where their friends live. I lived rurally for several years and friends with children were open about that being a huge logistical challenge even when all the DC were a similar age and working on similar schedules and interests.

Might not be the same thing as i have quite a large family and i have a couple of breaks inbetween them here and there but We thought we were done after we had our 8th child so stopped at that. 6yrs down the line we went for baby number 9 and 10 who are now 1 and 3. We didnt mind starting over at all and that seemed to really set people off the most about having to go back to bottles and nappies and not having our own time and all the things, people didn't understand we love the younger stages and newborn stages so it wasn't a burden to us and for some reason thats where people found to have their problems. When it came to the family dynamics, the babies just blended right in with the rest of the kids and the teens and older kids play and hang out with the younger ones and can be helpful with things when your busy and have your hands full. With the finances we found it costs more to have older kids then it does to have babies, as in more food, schooling, the need of electronics for school, mobile phones, their clothing , gifts, birthdays and extra curricular activities. But manage just fine, we budget well and having a some what decent wage always helps lol. I think what you want to do is manageable, concentrating on the life your trying to create now is very important and you can always come back later to extend your family when you feel ready.

It wasn't intentional but we had our first two in our 20s, second two in our thirties and one more in our forties. It's worked out really well for us and although I wish the last age gap was a little smaller, it's lovely to think that we'll be spending most of our adult lives raising children. Hopefully we'll be able to add grandchildren into the mix before our youngest leaves home, lol!

I did this, although not intentionally. Had 3 children within 6 years and then met DH and had another 3 an over a decade later. I’ve loved it as the gap between both sets enabled me to establish my career, get fit etc. As the first set have grown up it’s given me alot of perspective which means I worry less and can really enjoy the 2nd set of children. Just as well as they’re much harder work. Also get to enjoy my adult DC company and a more relaxing less demanding stage of parenting with them without just feeling sad they’re not babies anymore

My parents had three kids and then had me 10 years later. It wasn’t lonely at all! My interests were different to theirs but they sort of took on a caring role for me. I’m in my 30s now and the dynamic is the same; I’ll always be the littlest! We’re all very close.

I know this is an old thread but please consider that deciding to get pregnant is not always followed by having a healthy baby.
So you might decide to have #3&#4 and not be able to conceive one or both. You might end up with two older ones and a "lonely" younger one and not be able to conceive a similar age sibling.

I don't know is it naivety, hubris, arrogance, ignorance or what, but I always wonder at people who assume their fertility plans are set in stone and WILL happen exactly thus rather than merely a desire that may never be realised

No offence intended to the OP

My gran had two of my aunts and my uncle in her late teens/twenties. then had my mum and twin boys in her late thirties. Totally fine to do, and my mother loved it growing up, as she had an abundance of nieces/nephews to play with. She also grew up on a farm, and has recalled her childhood as perfect. My mum had us in her late thirties/forties, and always regretted not doing it younger, so she could have done two sets. Sadly, she died of MND/ALS when I was thirteen.