Juggling three kids and a career

[2or3whatsittobe]

Hi, I’m looking for anyone who can share any experiences on managing three kids and a career. We were half heartedly trying for a third then stopped for a few months as it wasn’t the right time. Now it is the right time to try again and the main thing dwelling on my mind is how we will juggle three kids when we are both invested in our careers. We have some family support but obviously no guarantee grandparents will always be in good health and around. We currently pay for a weekly cleaner which is a god send. I absolutely love my job and got promoted after my last maternity leave so I’m just worried about the impact of another maternity leave on my career, but also how to juggle three kids and a career when DH is also career focused. For context, I am the higher earner out of the two and work four days a week. Super supportive and flexible employer, 50% home working 50% office. DH’s employer is not flexible at all but he works a regular 9-5 so nothing with super long hours.

Any reassurances or experiences welcome!

you share the load. And outsource. Have you discussed it with him? What do you each do now?

My friend did it. It’s a mad house. Both working full time - very senior at Google and Big4. The kids are 17, 11 and 4 and first two are high achievers and quite easy. The youngest is just being diagnosed for AuDHD so it’s beginning to grind now. They’re doing 50:50. I have a high powered career, 1 teenager and I think I’d end up in an asylum juggling 3 kids and intense work! But we all have different skillsets 😅

You pay nanny etc

Yes of course we’ve discussed it with each other, just looking for experiences of other mums who have balanced three kids with a high powered career.

Hi @2or3whatsittobe I do it. We have a nanny. It’s expensive but the children are well cared for and can come home from school at the usual pick up time etc and sleep in on school holidays etc without having to be in full time camp

I do it. I love my job and have what I consider a very successful career but have deliberately stopped one rung down from the top when I could have gone higher. It helps a lot if you live close to work and (primary) school so you can make it to plays/sports day etc without missing too much of the working day. Make sure your husband picks up 50% of doctors appointments, days off for sick children etc. Work out what after school childcare works for you - we have an after school nanny which works well until they resign and then you are in a panic for a few weeks.
Dream position at work is to be senior and in demand so that everyone respects you and wants your work, and then chill out enough to set some sensible boundaries.

How old your other DC? How good is your husband with doing his fair share? What was manageable with 2 became unmanageable with 3 and DH and I nearly split up over so much being left to me. Now they’re all school age it’s easier but still takes a lot of work and my career has plateaued rather than thrived

Following with interest!

Similar boat, trying for third. Both career-focused and love to work, DH travels and super long hours, there is no flex in his job to "share the load", he is the higher earner outstripping my salary by 4-5x without a bonus. He manages a team and clients, there's just no way he can finish work at 5pm or drop a day in the week.

I LOVE my job. It's fully remote but it's incredibly demanding with no "off" switch, a trade off for the flexibility/remote working is basically being available 7am-11pm and some weekend emails, although I do take an hour off in the day to do school pick up.

I choose to work and I'm so lucky with my job. There's no way I will damage my career and not return to work or take prolonged time off. I value the money, independence, and challenge it provides.

We have full time live-in nanny/housekeeper but even then, I'd need childcare/nursery for the baby so the expenses add up.

I have no idea how other 3-child households manage tbh and no idea how we will manage but the heart wants what the heart wants. I've always wanted minimum 3 children so that's what we will do.

Hi OP, genuinely I would think really carefully about this. I have three DC, and DC3 has been the hardest by miles. The people I know who have successfully kept both careers going have stopped at two (or one).

I didn’t do it, but my experience from the other side of the decision:

Our careers were a really defining reason we stuck at two. We’re both career minded, ambitious, and wanted to continue to climb. I felt trying to do this on top of ensuring each child got good 1:1 attention, that we had family time, time for our own hobbies and then also time for our marriage would just be spreading ourselves too thin.

Mine are teens now and I have no regrets, don’t underestimate the time teens need, be that emotional support, driving them around, or just time with you (people will tell you they don’t want to be with you at this age, but that was NOT my experience).

I was so close to considering 3 children, I can’t tell you how often I tell myself “THANK GOD” we didn’t do that, as they got older.

I know a few couples with full on careers and 3 kids

What makes it work is:

Full time childcare (even once the kids are school) - live in nanny/housekeeper in one case.

Easy, healthy kids. Mums have said to me the whole thing kind of falls apart if one of the kids is ill. Luckily they rarely are. No ND. (Actually I think one of the kids has ADD but always slept well and not disruptive).

A big age gap in a couple of cases- so the older ones were say 8+ before the third came along.

Genuine sharing with husband - in at least one case he does more

Lots of stuff sidelined. Not a lot of exercise, cooking from scratch, or social stuff.

It wouldn’t be my choice personally but then I never wanted 3 kids so no dilemma.

It’s a tricky one. We stopped at 2, mostly because it didn’t happen quickly, and then we got cold feet during lockdown. I felt vaguely unsettled about the whole issue for a few years, though. I love babies and would love to have had another!
Now my older two are 10 and 8, I’m SO glad we stopped where we did.

Personally, I’ve had pleasure and success in an unexpected area of my work in the last two years that wouldn’t have been possible if I’d had another little one. Also starting to look ahead to various opportunities (eg working half the month in New York again, as I did in early 30s) that might open up in ten years once they leave home.

But the main reason is that we’re currently able to be fairly hands-on parents who pick up our kids from school several days a week, don’t put them in holiday clubs all the time, don’t have a nanny, make lots of time for playdates and hobbies which we take them to ourselves, etc. With more children this wouldn’t have been possible without stepping back at work.

Hi OP. I think (/hope) it’s possible to combine a career with three children. Although this obviously depends on your own family setup and expectations, what your career entails, and what you might be prepared to compromise.

DH and I are both career focussed and earn well but not enough for the sort of belt-and-braces nanny/housekeeper thing! Our field involves long hours and very limited options for flexibility or WFH, which is our main challenge as we also have limited family support. It sounds like you have a fantastic setup, which will help to make things manageable - and if you want something badly enough, you’ll find a way to make it work!

Maybe I’ll come back and let you know how my optimism pans out in a year or two though. Number three is only a few days old… 😂

Following with interest.

We're seriously considering baby #3, both DH and I are ambitious and in high-pressure careers that we want to continue full time. Though not in the financial realms of FT / live-in nannies etc. Really tough decision in this economic climate, but my heart desperately wants another member to join our gang!

I will probably have more to say on this in the next year or so as I’m going back to work (City type role, not as intense as they can be - but WFH only permitted 1 day per week) next month as DC3 turns one. Husband works in a similar role, hours are 9-6ish with some weekend emails / busier periods of the year.

We’ll have a nanny, separate help with homework for the older two, and a weekly cleaner that we might increase to twice weekly. Set fortnightly rota for weekday meals, and I’m in the process of organising my work wardrobe to remove decision fatigue.

We were very very lucky though and DC3 has been an absolute dream, which has helped to make me optimistic for the future.

Oh, and having longed for my “missing person” for literally years after DC2 (4.5y gap), I feel completely satisfied and am resolutely done having children. I am now investing in my health and appearance since I’m finished and can enjoy my lovely brood, and my body!

I think it would be easier to do it the Ugandan way:

Link above

Nothing prepared me for the reality of mothering without the extended family to help take care of you, and the nonchalance with which the western world treats mothers

It’s definitely a challenge! However, on reflection, I actually found it much easier when I had 3 young kids, compared to now when 2 of the 4 are teens. When the children were younger it was much easier to outsource, and childcare had much better hours, and we also used a nanny two days per week. Extracurriculars have always been a juggle, as all of them are very sports oriented.

My advice would be to consider how it will work down the track. Someone told me that teens often need far more of you than young kids, and you can’t delegate it. I have really found that true. I’ve actually hit a point in career where I’m now scaling it back so I can focus more on being present through the adolescent years - and no, it wasn’t the TV show that inspired it! I’d already seen just how much more my presence, engagement, and availability matters now. I also have a preschooler, and her needs are far more simple. The nanny can do just as good a job as I can realistically, but my teens would never approach the nanny about an issue they are having at school.

That’s a very long way of saying, it’s doable, but make sure you think long-term, not just about those couple of years of who takes the day off when they are sick from childcare!

If you're there comfortable in your earnings, you can both reduce your hours