Living with SIL

[AKM22]

Hi. I don’t know if you’re the right people to write but I don’t anyone else or can afford counselling (like I have before) at the moment being on MAT leave.
I’m pissed off that I live in my in-laws house. Albeit they live abroad but I live with my husband, my daughter and my husbands sister (SIL).
Long story short got married two years ago moved to this house to save money. My husband and his sister have been here for about 15 years just the two of them and their parents come once a year to visit.
When I came I thought it would be fine as I’m not actually living with my MIL or FiL. A SiL would be better. But actually it’s had its own challenges. She sits on one particular sofa and that so happens to be in the middle of my husband and I so I used to sit on my own sofa while they both sat on another. So the living relationship started off bitter and from then any good times have always felt limited because she sat in the middle of us. It seems trivial to others but in Asian culture I left my home, family, better living environment and friends to come her and start a life with my husband. But she was always here.
Also my mil would call and be mean if she thought my husband and I were leaving my SIL out. Again we have gone through a lot of ups and downs to get to a better place now where my husband has made it clear me him and our daughter are a priority and my SIL is the extended family not me anymore.
Since having my baby girl we have needed to change the house to be multifunctional as she is changing all the time. My husband and I are happy for the changes and understand this. We are on the same page. But my SiL is like a stuck piece of furniture who does not change, rigid and draining.
I have had important times in my life, first year of marriage, having a baby and now being on Mat leave. My SIL is apart of all of my memories but yet she shares nothing about her own life. I feel robbed of my life.
I can’t take it living with her anymore. When she is away hub, me and baby are happy and functioning. Bit when SIL is around I am living in avoidance. Staying in my room, avoiding going home staying out to not be around her. Constantly spiriling in my mind about her and how uncomfortable she makes me feel. I’ve done counselling to speak about this. But what I’ve come to lean is I can’t heal whilst still living in survival mode while SIL is around.
We can move either as we are saving for a deposit. Also I dont want to move with my SIL who will come with us as we could then out the parents house on rent which would help.
My SIL does have a boyfriend long distance relationship but no one knows why they won’t get married and move forward in their life.
We are Asian so marriage tends to happen to be living together.
I am so unhappy. I'm taking it out on my husband and I don't want to ruin our relationship when I just want us to be together. What advice can I do to improve my life?

Bumping for you.

So to clarify:

You and your DH are living in a house owned by your parents in law where your
SIL also lives.

You've decided to live there to save money.

If you are fed up with your SIL then the obvious thing to do is to move out. Only
if you are in your own space, either rented or bought, do you get to decide not to live with her.

As you're living there to save money I presume you are either not paying rent or paying a low rent. This is a price of living with family I'm afraid.

Yeah this.

The only option is to move out and fund your own place.

You absolutely need to move. Can you take a turn living with your family?

or it’s just bite the bullet time and get your own place.

If you can't afford to move out, can you create your own spaces within the house, so you have your own privacy and downtime?

what would happen if you sat on “her” sofa next to your husband?

I think you need to consider whether the financial
savings outweigh the loss of your emotional wellbeing.

Are there other housing options? Shared ownership or even renting?

It sounds really difficult for you.

Bite the bullet and move out to rented accommodation. It will take you longer to save for a deposit (to ultimately buy a home) but it will save your mental health.
Also, make it absolutely clear that when you move out, she also needs to find her own place or stay in the in-laws’ house alone - she’s not coming with you!

It sounds like the only reason you are staying at your PIL is financial, not out of duty to them? In which case you need to forgo the deposit and move out. Asian households have their own set of cultural expectations, and while it’s unfair your SIL hasn’t realised that you and your husband need alone time, you can’t expect her to get married any sooner than she wants to, that would result in it’s own set of familial problems. It sounds like SIL won’t understand until she gets married. There’s an FB group called Recommended Asian - it’s aimed at Asian women and I expect lots of the people on there have experienced a similar situation. Might be helpful. (For context, I’m also from an Asian background)

Essentially you need to move out. Why not buy a 2 bedroom house so she can't move In with you? I absolutely couldn't live like this so you need to get the message loud and clear across to your husband
Good luck

You can’t have it both ways. You either live with your DH’s family (ie sil) and save up to buy a house or move out and understand that it will take longer. Staying and blaming your sil and in laws for your marital problems and a situation you and your DH created isn’t right.

This

This sounds like hell on earth. I’d move to another country if I had too!

Thank you

So your husband moves his wife into his sister's and his home, and doesn't sit next to you on the other sofa, and it's HER fault?

Unless she broke his legs, he's choosing to sit next to you.

Not all Asian marriages mean the married couple moves into the family home, as I'm sure you know.

I know too many Asian couples to count, who have waited until they have enough money to live independently.

The money saving set up you and your husband have chosen, is not your SIL's fault, in fact the whole current set up in her home she's lived in for 15 years, is now way worse for her.

You two need to get yourselves a home of your own.

Move out. Or tell her to. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Tell her to move out of her family home she's lived in for 15 years, because the OP and her husband didn't want to save up for their own place, before getting married and having a child??

I'd love to see how that conversation goes.

This. Buy a 2 bedroom house so no room for her she can stay at her parents house alone.

Can I add that my in-laws MIL and FIL maybe coming to visit at Christmas and staying approximately 6 weeks.
I respect it's their house we live in. But my husband has spent the last 15 years looking after it spent a lot of his own money updating the house new bathroom, flooring, wiring etc. his parents haven't done that for the house. Also MIL hasn't looked after a child for 30yrs (my SIL) and she has backward ideas about how to look after a baby. She always bosses us about on the phone on how to look after my daughter and I don't like it. I appreciate we live in their house but I won't take orders on how to look after my child especially when she doesn't even know them.
They have no boundaries for my marriage and only care about the baby. Without realising one of the best things you can do for a child is make sure the mother and father are happy together to look after the child their best. I feel so wounded living this way and triggered a lot by my in-laws.
My husband and are saving up for a house and we will be living out without my SIL we have agreed this.
When I met my husband he said his parents live abroad so I thought that's great and I knew about his sister but I thought she would be warm and close like I am with my brothers wife. But she's not and it was impossible to know this. I think even my husband thought this would work out as him and his sister have always been there for each other he wasn't to know it would be this uncomfortable.
I try now to take out my frustration on my husband when I am triggered by his family as rationally I know he is not making me feel this way but at the same time his family have no respect for our marriage and keep taking over my child whne I feel so territorial about ny baby towards them but no one else

Sounds awful.

But there's nothing you can do about it, until you get your own place.

If it gets really bad, you'll have to move out and rent somewhere.

That will obviously eat into your savings for a deposit, but as you say, it's their house that you're living in 🤷‍♂️

You’re living in their house OP. Either move out or put up with it, those are your options.

Yeah MIL would kidnap mine of she could, but it doesn’t really matter what they do or say because she’s your child so just gently stand your ground.

How far away are you from a reasonable deposit? Tbh your SIL just seems extremely socially akward. I would be trying to give my brother and SIL space not sitting in between them.

I appreciate we live in their house

Well, that is the crux of it. You need to use some of that cash you’ve been saving up and go and rent a house/flat. Honestly, you can’t moan about your in laws when they are providing you with somewhere to live! It’s not your house, it’s theirs.

You will have to forego plans to buy and rent instead but at least you’ll be standing in your own two feet and can sit where you like on the sofa.

Thank you