Large age gaps no 4 terrified

[GunesM]

Hi i am 37 y.o with 3 children 16,13,10 and recently we discovered baby 4 is joining im so surprised at how I feel I dont feel joy & excitement i just want this to end anxiety and stress are worst I've ever known im so afraid of starting again how this will affect my grown up children I dont want to feel this way its making me unwell mentally anyone any advice please (termination is not an option)

Why is termination not an option?

Unfortunately, I have had one before and the regret&guilt never left me its not something I can do again.

The pregnancy is making your mental health the worst you've ever known, though, and will have ramifications for your family way beyond regret and guilt. Doing what's best for you and your existing children is nothing to be ashamed or guilty about. You do not have to be pregnant or start again.

I have a large age gap, 9,13,14.

My LO is now 5 months and it’s been the easiest baby period.

The older children are so helpful and I can have a break. In the beginning it was half term and I thought I can’t wait for them to go back to school, but when they went I realised how much they help. Better than my DH if I’m honest.

The pregnancy was easy as I had been going to the gym so continued until I was 6 months. The labour however wasn’t. It was my 1st emcs after 3 VB and csections are very hard to recover from. I had a new appreciation for people who have had them.

All in all, I’m really happy. I’m enjoying this new motherhood in a different way, I’m older and more relaxed and the baby seems more chilled out than my others.

I wasn’t clear, I have 4 children last one has 9 year age gap

This.

Op have you spoken to your doctor about your feelings? I had perinatal depression when I was pregnant - had never heard of it before, but it is apparently even more common than postnatal depression and it is very treatable.

I was experiencing the worst depression and anxiety I had ever known. The doctor helped me access talking therapies and it was really effective. I havent been in your exact situation with the age gap, but if you know you are keeping the baby and your mental health is suffering, then you need to take the mental health issue seriously now. Please speak to your doctor. Feel free to pm me for more info x

Tell me about it this would be cs4 and the anxiety of heightened risks also adds to my mental health issues right now. My dh says I'm just confused and we could not do that (termination) again as it destroyed us I have come to accept mentally I am not well atall

Also my biggest worry if I feel this way now how ill cope over the next 9 months and beyond... I am a notorious over thinker and suffer with my nerves have had alot of trauma in thr last 3 years parent health issues etc I do not cope well with emotions and change and I just feel so down my husband is dead against abortion after the emotional journey last time and says he would bot support that decsion I feel so trapped

I had a big age gap between numbers 2 and 3 and then adopted and have a long term foster child so a large age range ( now 34,32,24,18 and 10 ). The second and third children are sisters and despite an 8 yr age gap.are best friends as adults and the difference in ages between our kids has never been an issue so really I think.you are overthinking it. I am sure once baby arrives all.of you will be besotted and wonder how you ever lived without them. Congratulations x

What does he mean when he says he wouldn't support it? Is he threatening to leave or "just" saying he won't give you any emotional support if you do it?

Emotional support alongside divorce i suppose unfortunately were i live we cannot have terminations if married without full consent from the father so it isn't a option

Where do you live- that’s awful!

My 3 are now adults but I had 0,7,11.
Thankfully number 3 was an easy baby, my husband worked away a lot, we lived rurally I had a business to run, a dog and my daughters pony!
The hardest part was logistics, primary school, secondary school and childminder in the mornings!
Some things I had to let go, it doesn’t matter if clothes aren’t ironed or the grass needs mowing!

It was looking back one of the happiest times of my life, number 3 had to be flexible and he was.

The 3 of them are incredibly close, the age gap melts away as they get older.

I'd consider termination based on the fact that you've had 3 previous cesarean sections and by continuing the pregnancy you are putting your life at risk, for the children you already have.

my youngest was 21 when number 3 came along . After the initial shock no trauma . The older ones love their little brother and were a great support and available to babysit to give us a break. As adults they are all very close . Please try not to worry x

But you could destroy your family dynamic instead? Put your health at risk with another CS? Have less money time and space to dedicate to your existing children?

You have my sympathy - nobody wants to be in this position.

i wouldn’t underestimate the impact of pregnancy hormones on your mental state. How did you feel when pregnant with your 3rd? Anything sinilar? and I’m sure it’s all worked out. Saying that, sometimes we can suffer peri natal anxiety or depression when we never have previously.

İ do feel this 100% but also know how bad i felt last time and not sue thats great for my mental health either sounds horrible but i just wish this would all go away on it's own

That is a totally understandable feeling, which most in your position would feel.
I think you have ti weigh up which decision is going to have longest term consequences and which will affect more people. A termination - you. And you can most likely be helped with that with therapy, support from your family and doctors. Another child - that’s permanent. Affects your current kids who you love dearly very very much, the relationship with your partner, your finances, and heaven forbid if there was something with it or if your life was out at risk.

I’m not promoting anything- you just need to see the facts.

Not sure if it helps or not

My aunt had her youngest at 44 with approx the same gaps.
she was bricking it…

we are all older now
that “baby” is 25 😅
he is hands down her greatest joy and everyone in the families favourite

Days feel like weeks to me right now how do you foiicope with such big changes when you never coped before i honestly just dont know were to turn right now

You may be able to get pills through the post that will end the pregnancy in a way that looks like a miscarriage. If you're willing to state where you are a Mumsnetter can probably recommend a provider, or you could search something like "abortion pills by post [country]." Something to think about.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I wouldnt focus so much on the age gap - we have huge gaps between my siblings 27 between oldest and youngest! Second youngest was still at home and 15. It worked out fine, we were there to take some of the load off either with child care or taking on different errands etc. All close now 15 years later.

I did this... had my 4th at 37 with a 12 year old and 9 year old twins, I remember my fear too but it was okay... yes had to start all over but it wasn't too bad and a little of joy came along too. She's 33 now and lives in Australia and I miss her every day