Looking for other working parents with larger families

[Ossoduro2]

Hi, I feel really alone, I work full time and have four kids and looking around me I know no one else in this boat and I’m beginning to feel like I’ve made poor choices to end up here. I’m not sure what kind of support I’m looking for but I feel on the verge of breakdown balancing it all and I guess I’m looking for others in a similar boat.

I can totally afford 4 kids, I have no money worries, but I do work full time in a really stressful job and it’s all starting to take its toll. There is no prospect of dialling down my work life ( can’t go part time) I’m well established in a career and well remunerated, it’s just hard and stressful!

logistically I’m just finding life really hard - I have to get four kids out of the door just before 7.30 in the mornings and then everyone fed etc when we get home not to mention all the laundry, homework etc it feels like we’re just surviving, just getting the bare basics done, not enjoying life.

I have a husband - he’s brilliant, so no complaints there. But he also works full time, we balance the kids together but both of us travel so it’s often one of us lone parenting if the other is away for a day or two.

It does sound really tough but you also sound like you're doing an amazing job. I don't really have any tips but just know that you are amazing and your kids are lucky to have you.

I can slightly relate - I have 5 children (twin daughters aged 15, son aged 14 and then daughters aged 9 and 5) and my husband works full time while I work part time in the morning. So I don't work full time like you but I still understand the pains of raising a large family. I just love that the benefits and love I have for them all outweighs it all 💞

If you have no money worries, can you hire a cleaner/ home help/ laundry service to reduce the domestic workload? I have three kids under 8, both DH and I work full time, and I don't know how I would manage without it.

Hi @Ossoduro2 im sorry to hear your struggling. You sound like an amazing person and an amazing mum. But I can resonate to some degree.

we are due our 3rd and both work full time (I work compressed hours over 4 days) and have my 1 year old on my ‘day off’ so doesn’t really feel like I get any downtime. The house is a mess, piles of paperwork everywhere! But, the kids are happy, fed and warm and that’s what I keep reminding myself. I do look at all the other mums though and I know I need to find the right balance, as I feel I will burn out. Do you feel like that?

as PP said, can you get some help? We’ve not done so yet, but will consider it once we’ve had our 3rd and I go back to work 😔 x

Thanks all, when I went back to work after mat leave with the 4th we got a cleaner and that’s a godsend, but it’s only once a week! Sometimes I just feel like the kids need more of me and I haven’t got anything left in the tank! It’s good to know there are others out there though.

cleaning is the only thing I can pay for that will help - laundry needs to be done by me really, also, all the other stuff like homework, cooking, transporting the kids to and from school etc. its pretty relentless but not really something I can outsource.

Any tips to save time? I think I’m time poor more than cash poor but that said, we do shop in Aldi because our food bill is extortionate - otherwise I’d look at online delivery. I guess I’m looking for ways to cut corners to save time but without breaking the bank!

Laundry and cooking are two things I would focus on reducing or outsourcing. I'm not sure why laundry has to be you?

How about getting your existing cleaner back for another session a week, focusing exclusively on laundry? Invest in a laundry pen so it's easy to sort everyone's clothes. I know that won't do everything but it would stop it building up.

If getting someone in to help with cooking isn't reasonable, I would develop a fortnight's rotation of nutritionally adequate but basic meals and just do those, while making sure your children have school lunches. Are you having to face multiple likes and dislikes though?

You sound great! Hardworking, smart, motivated. And setting a good example to your kids!

Could you pay a local student to do the school run? So you could focus on getting yourself to work and they wouldn’t have to leave so early.

Why can't you reduce? Everyone is entitled to put in a flexible working request
Also if money isn't an issue have you made use of your parental leave ? A few extra weeks a year could make all the difference on staying on top of things!

things that helped me and DH when we were raising 5 and two busy jobs
having cleaner x 2 not once a week. Getting her to do half beds one week then half the next. She would change and wash bedding then put in dryer before she left
we got a babysitter on a sat pm to look after the younger 2 so everyone could breathe
making sure I exercised - even if it was a tight 45 mins - kept me sane
on bad days giving myself credit for them all being alive instead of calling myself a bad mother
encouraging sibling relationships - the advantage of lots of kids is all sort of different dynamics - a 10 and 2 year old can surprisingly get on well. They are all close as adults and supportive of each other. It’s not just up to mum and dad all the time

I have three rather than four kids but I also have a full on job that has to be done on site so I never work from home and on average I’m out of the house 7.45am-7pm most days except Friday when I finish at 4pm so I’m home before 5. I also have to travel for work. DH works a similar pattern.

we have an au pair who lives with us and is home when the kids get home from school. Her job is to oversee homework and play dates and get the dinner on so that when we get home from work the whole family can eat together each night without me or DH spending time cooking. Is that an option for you? We actually built a garden studio with bathroom to make it possible. I can’t imagine life without someone here after school keeping things ticking over. We also pay for a cleaner twice a week who washes and dries all the bed clothes and changes the sheets so that means a little less laundry. The au pair does all the school uniform laundry so they always have clean kit in the week. I do the rest at the weekend.

the other major life saver is that both DH and I buy extra leave so that we both take 35 days and the whole family can have 3 weeks in the summer on holiday together and a week at Christmas and two weeks at Easter plus one of takes off Feb half term and the other May. That keeps us all sane.

Would a nanny or au pair help? If someone could come to your house for 7.30am and feed and dress them before taking them to school it would save all the hectic mornings before work. You’d probably then have more to give at the end of the day.

@Ossoduro2 if you feel like the cooking has to be done by you, get a large slow cooker and prep meals the night before so you can put them in the slow cooker during the day. And batch cook 🙂 x

I have 4 and work part time (4 days). It is a lot, perhaps too much.

The mornings are stressful for everyone trying to be up, dressed, fed and out the door at 7:30. I often wonder if I’m doing right by my kids working. But if I didn’t they wouldn’t be able to do the activities, holidays and lifestyle we currently do.

we did have an au pair for a while which was a massive help and I’d really recommend if you have a spare room. It meant the kids weren’t rushed out the door in the morning every day (I still did school run twice a week). She helped the kids keep on top of their bedrooms and put their laundry away. Also meant me and DH got a date night every week which was an absolute luxury and really helped our relationship. She sadly had to return to Finland and we couldn’t find another but it’s something I’d look in to!

We have 3 and both full time in busy jobs. That said I know multiple families of 4 where the mum works a pretty full on senior job, but not full time. I look around my work and there are no other women at director or above level with 3 children, much less 3 young children, so I tell myself I’m punching above my weight and that’s why the house is messy.
what do you mean you can’t outsource dropping them at school or collecting them? When we had a nanny that is exactly what she did- the school run on top of looking after the younger kids. We have someone collect the 2 who are at school one day a week now and bring them home and cook them dinner. The other days they are in the wrap around care and dh collects as I do drop off. Weekends are quite catch up and I go to bed late.

I don’t have a large family but I am a high earner in a similar role.

1. Can you pay the cleaner extra to do and fold the laundry, ironing / make beds / tidy?
2. Part time nanny to do the pick up / drop off / ferry to activities and make the kids’ dinner. I share mine with three other families on an as needed basis - she takes all the kids to the largest house and we all pick up from there.
3. Provide low mess ‘grab and go’ breakfasts they can eat in the car.
4. If children of secondary age aren’t ready in time make it a consequence that they need to get to school themselves.

Hello lovely,

It can be so overwhelming, can't it.
If you have no money worries, could you consider getting a cleaner in to take the load off a little that way and change to do online food deliveries?

I have a lot larger family with you and work full time.
I'm currently leaving at 6:45 to ferry children to their destinations before getting myself to work. Work then start the process again in the evening.
Some days I get home at 6:30 other nights it's 9:30 if the children have other activities/ one of them is working.

We live rurally, so I have to drop offs into the nearest town for bus/trains to college/work.
One child has own transport but can't take passengers.

I absolutely hate it at the minute. I feel like i have no life, and I have to do the housework in dribs and drabs, but there's no other way as I can't afford a cleaner.
My children, however, have a coupe of chores to do to 'earn' their pocket money, and we take it in turn to do the washing up/dishwasher.

If your children are the age, could you deligate a job for them to soley do?

If you and your husband are comfortable and no money worries, then only you both can decide whether you should give up and be a housewife/mummy.

Be kind to yourself. Have that cuppa x

I have 5, all adult now bar the youngest. I gave up my career as a speech and lang therapist after baby 2 and became a childminder. Best thing i ever did. No childcare costs, got to see my own growing up. DH worked full time which was essential as self employment can be up and down in terms of income.

If you have a head for business (and enjoy working with kids) childminding can be the perfect job. I have never been out of work in 25 years.

Hey lovely, you're making the right choice for your family.
I'm a working mum, have 10 children at home. A long term partner though we don't really live together so I'm on my own majority of the month.
It's hard a hard slog. We leave at 7am every morning, depending on what time my older kids finish work I could be home at 6 for the night or in and out until 10:30 7 days a week. I'm fortunate enough to work in a school setting so I can do pick ups for everyone though I still need to use their breakfast/afternoon clubs some days and this is my life line.
I meal plan so I know what I'm cooking each night.
Older kids and I take it in turns to wash up each day so we only have to wash up once a week (me more obviously while meal prepping/ doing packed lunches etc)
Older guys will put a load of washing on and we all have to do 1 chore around the house daily to help out. Don't get me wrong sometimes this doesn't always happen as they're kids and on some of those days I feel like I'm drowning but I just start one thing and it flows. I also like routine in our house as it helps everyone know what's what and helps it flow better and lists, I always have a list what I need to do /want to get done.
That's my advice - be organised and don't doubt your decisions and get as many early nights as possible!

can you get a cleaner, nanny, housekeeper? IMO that’s the logical next step for you

good for you to being successful in your career and raising 4 kids!

I know this was posted almost a year ago but just wondering how you are doing OP? I work full time (compressed) as does dh and we have 4. It's tough going and I often wish I was part time. I spend at least one of the days at the weekend organising for the week ahead, uniforms, clothes, bags for childminder, lunches, food shopping, catching up on housework. It's relentless & exhausting and definitely not ideal. But I focus on the long term , when they are all at school it will be easier and it will actually be worth our while financially.

If you have enough money you absolutely can outsource homework, cooking and transporting children to and from school. I am one of 4 children and both my parents worked full time as doctors growing up. They hired a kind of nanny/housekeeper person who did the cleaning but also laundry, grocery shopping, and other random household jobs or errands as they cropped up, she made our packed lunches, cooked an evening meal for us all on workdays and left it to be heated up later. She took us to and from school until we were old enough to walk by ourselves and she also took us to and from any extracurricular activities. I know my parents found her a total lifesaver and my mum in particular has said many times she’d never have managed balancing full time work and 4 children without her.

Although I appreciate my parents’ earning power relative to hiring power for someone like that has probably reduced significantly since that time (80s/90s). But if it’s an option for you I would strongly consider it.

This was me until this week when I drop down to O.8 at work. I’m a teacher so get the holidays off but just couldn’t hack how exhausted and snappy and stressed I was once I went back to work after my mat leave.

perhaps if you can’t go part time then the answer is to take some parental leave each year during the summer (unpaid so obviously only if you can afford it) so you can the take some leave at other time for yourself so you can rest.

i’m sure the age old batch cook idea is something you’ve heard of or already do but I literally did a meal plan for the month and batch cooked loads and now dinners are easy and so is the food shop each week.

other time saving tips of mine:

• sod ironing! (Tbf my DP does it but I don’t)
• get kids who are old enough to strip their beds and chuck stuff in the wash.
• a wash basket per bedroom, then the load in done, bagged and returned to that room.
• lower your standards at least one night a week so you can rest. We don’t clean up on Fridays for instance we enjoy a family games night and then mE and mu DP have date night once the kids are in bed.