AIBU regarding Christmas plans?

[jollyholly222]

I'm looking for some advice regarding Christmas plans and what is it other people do so that I can establish whether I am being unreasonable - please no hate, I am just seeking advice and grateful to all those who respond! I live in UK.

Background: my partner and I have been together just shy of 3 years, and the last 2 Christmas' we have spent at MIL home. She has his 3 brothers, her husband, her father and his partner and on one occasion, her husband's mother and father there too - oh, and me, my partner and my daughter (from a previous relationship) so quite a busy household. We all get on well. The last 2 years she has assumed we were going there as my partner has always gone which was fine, I didn't mind going. This year however, we will have a newborn son (4-5 weeks) when Christmas comes round. My daughter from a previous relationship is also AuDHD so this comes with its struggles, but she has a good relationship with MIL and MIL is kind enough to treat her as her blood family. The last 2 years we have gone there, they have kindly picked us up and dropped us off but this has meant we have been out the house from around 11-6. Their home is show home quality, worth millions, so my daughter is often being told to "sit down" or "calm down" which is ok for short periods of time, but for 6+ hours it's really difficult for her. This isn't done in a malicious way, mind you, but just because she can get very excited and Christmas makes it even more exciting (as expected) so it's just not as fun for her as it should be.

Now, this year me and my partner have discussed and agreed that we will have Christmas at home by ourselves but will see our respective families either boxing day or Christmas Eve (one family either day). MIL has expressed her severe disappointment at this, saying that she has never had a Christmas without all her family there and that this is our son's first Christmas and she wants him to be there. Our house is not big enough to host everybody unfortunately so this is not an option. She has stated she feels very strongly about this and has indirectly suggested she will fall out with my partner if we don't go even if just for a couple of hours for dinner. In all honesty, I think she'd be happy with just him and DS going for dinner but DS at that stage however, will be exclusively breastfed so I would not feel comfortable for him to leave me which partner completely agrees with.

I am in two minds. I understand her POV and disappointment, but he is 35 years old now and has a family of his own. I don't think we are being unreasonable wanting to spend our first Christmas together as a family, with no pressure (having to look good, being able to breastfeed when needed etc) and allowing my daughter to open presents, play and be wild as she should be on Christmas. She hasn't even considered that I wish to see my family too given it's been 3 years since I spent one with them. My daughter has said she would much prefer to stay at home so she can play with toys and (her words) "eat snacks, play games and be silly all day".

Can I please ask for your thoughts? Am I being unreasonable and should we just suck it up to avoid future conflict or do you feel this reasonable given the circumstances? As I said, please no hate as I say this with no malice, but would really appreciate others input and views TIA x

Mil doesn't own Christmas.. Just have him tell her he (and you) want to start your own traditions for your dc in your own home. Dc absolutely don't need trailed round to appease grown ups in Christmas day... You owe it to your dd - and yourself so soon pp.. to have a relaxing day at home.

So MIL expects all of her children and their spouses to spend Christmas with her? Like she doesn’t understand that the spouses have families too?

Absolutely not. My adult children have their own families and need to make their own traditions. You have to let go.. the whole point of rearing a child is to create an independent adult.. you can't have it both ways.

Unfortunately, we have which is why she has indirectly said if he does not attend for the meal then she will fall out with him (not verbatim but pretty much indicated). we feel quite comfortable standing our ground but I just want to see if others think it's unreasonable. She did say, given it being so close to giving birth, "surely it would be better for you to not have to cook a big meal and just relax"... Whilst I appreciate it, I don't relax at her home as have to watch DD every minute.

In response to the other, her 3 other sons are significantly younger and do not have kids or partners so I guess she's never had to experience this

YANBU at all, have a relaxed Christmas at home, mil will get over it.

Yes mother in law it is lovely having all of your children in their own home for Christmas. So lovely in fact that we’re going to copy you and do the same.

MIL will get over it or she won’t.

She can pout like a toddler and stamp her feet. Leave her to flounce op. Nobody would be dictating my Christmas to me.

Do you not have any family of your own, OP?

What if you wanted to spend Christmas with your own parents/grandparents/siblings?

Yeo. Stand your ground now.

The sooner you do it, the least hard it will be. She can like or lump it.

Nope!
If he wants to go there for abit he can but you and your children are staying home

Put your foot down, otherwise this shit will continue your whole life!

What you do this year will set the tone for years to come.

So your DH needs to tell her...

"We'll be spending Christmas at home this year mum, and next year will probably spend it with jolly's parents as we won't have had a Christmas with them for 3 years by then".

Thank you for all your responses. Makes me feel even more strongly to stand our ground. It did frustrate me that she told DD that we will be going there without even confirming with us first, which has led to this conversation. Hopefully she doesn't allow this to ruin the relationship we all have as I wouldn't want that but she seems very firm on her view. We shall see!

Yes I do, and I said to her that I'd like to see them one year and she said that's fine however partner would still be expected to go to hers for dinner as per "tradition". I found this to be a tad unusual but my mother usually works Christmas Day and my father travels every year so it's not too much of an issue.

Thank you all again for taking the time to read and reply. I really appreciate it.

We had a really relaxed Xmas last year and stayed at home. no Xmas dinner , just got loads of picky bits in and threw them in the air fryer when hungry.

Didn’t invite everyone around for formal xmas dinner BUT did get a load of frozen pastries to cook in the morning. Relatives dropped by for a late breakfast with Buck’s Fizz at various times in the morning. It was very chill, low pressure and the kids got to play with their toys. Loved it.

My family were happy with it. Your MIL does not own Xmas and should surely understand given you have a nee baby.

Stand your ground. If she threatens or hints that she'll fall out with you then raise one eyebrow and make a bland comment along the lines of, 'That would be an extreme reaction to not getting your own way. I can't imagine anyone adult falling out with their child, or not getting to see their grandchild over something so very trivial. I'm surprised you would even consider it'.

Don't budge. She's no right to dictate everyone's day.

She has stated she feels very strongly about this and has indirectly suggested she will fall out with my partner if we don't go even if just for a couple of hours for dinner.

Wow. What an absolutely horrible, manipulative cow she is. She has emotional terrorism down to an art form.

Do not give a fucking inch with this one. You have your own family now, and if you give in, you will regret it forever because it won't end with Christmas.

Bloody hell, she sounds like a nightmare. Is she this controlling in other ways, or just about Christmas?

If I were you, and if your partner is on board, I'd tell her that you'll go to hers one year in three from now on. One year with her, one year with your family, one year at home.

And since you've now told her that is what is happening, that is what she would be wise to "expect".

My DP is an only child and had always had Christmas with his parents until DD was born. We had been together along time but always went to our own parents for the majority of Xmas day with just a brief visit to the others parents.
So DD comes along and we both want to be with her at Xmas, don't want to do Xmas day at our house for everyone as we don't have much space (and complications with that anyway), considered Xmas day on our own but decided to alternate.
My mum works shifts and first year (2 years ago) she is off Xmas day so we decide we will go there. DP mum was a bit upset/sad as she had never not had her son Xmas day but she had to get over it and accept he has a family now and that complicates things.
Then last year my DP moves to a shift work job and is working Xmas day afternoon! So we went to his mums in the morning and then I took DD to my mums in the PM. Again he wasn't at his mums for Xmas dinner but she did atleast see him.
However this year he is off Xmas day so we will be going to his mums- she is really looking forward too it. It will be the first year I haven't been with my family Xmas day so I will be a bit sad about that and they will be sad too. However we are going to go there for 'Christmas' on either 24th or 26th.
Once there are families it all changes.

Generally speaking, she isn't bad. I've heard of considerable worse MIL stories lol!

She is just very family orientated and a bit dramatic, she does like to have a degree of control over her boys though, imo. She's Likes dictating to them what they spend their money on, even my partner who is significantly older, and making digs. She doesn't treat my partner with anywhere near the respect she does her other children (forgets his birthday etc) and still treats him as though he is a teenager. She will happily help out if needed though I must say, however, if a disagreement happens, the whole "after everything I've done for you" card comes out. Though I suppose a lot of people do this.

She is extremely kind to my DD though and has welcomed us into the family with open arms. We are just very different people. I am quite reserved and private whereas she uploads every movement to social media and likes to show everything off. She doesn't make me feel bad for being this way though.

You are perfectly reasonable. Every couple has to work out how to manage Christmas, presumably your MIL had to as well but has conveniently forgotten. You can’t be at two places at the same time so you decide what works for you. If your families don’t like it tough!

I can't say it loudly enough, STAND YOUR GROUND! 😂 she needs to learn quickly that you're setting boundaries and your husbands focus isn't on keeping her happy anymore, it's about his own family and being considerate of you. She'll have to learn to take a backseat and that your family and your children are his priority now.

She will happily help out if needed though I must say, however, if a disagreement happens, the whole "after everything I've done for you" card comes out. Though I suppose a lot of people do this.

No, they really don't. Emotionally healthy people, people who respect their kids, never do this. It is pure manipulation. You are going to have to be very firm with this woman, and it's critical that you and your partner are a rock hard united front. Communication and talking through issues before they get out of hand with her will be key.

YANBU
Once we had children we took the opportunity to say things have changed now, we'd like to create our own family traditions and relax in our own home on Christmas Day rather than be on the road. There's a lot of paraphernalia to take for a baby, it's not easy. We started seeing DPs on Boxing Day instead.
If you don't change now, it'll be harder to next year or the year after that. She is being unreasonable guilting you into going there. Gently explain, stay united and stand your ground. She will get over it.

My mother apparently spent 20 years trying to say no to having Christmas with my dad's family. Makes me sad that it was never an option for her in all that time. We didn't notice as kids as we saw what we thought was normal. But it would have been nice to see the different set of cousins and a different location.

OP how are things looking now so close to Christmas?