Done to death I know... but third baby or not?

[biscuitcat]

I know this has been discussed until the cows come home, but any views much appreciated!

We currently have 2 wonderful boys, age 2 (3 in August) and just turned 1, and are just starting to try for a third - and I'm having a bit of a wobble. I've wanted three kids since I can remember (and am one of three myself) - it's not a hoping for a girl situation, I'd be thrilled with either.

The past couple of weeks have been incredibly trying, both kids are in a really whingy phase and just want me all the time, they older one is telling off the younger one all day so I feel like a referee, and my younger one is sleeping appallingly at the moment too (which of course doesn't help with managing all the behaviour during the day!) - and it's just making me think, crikey can I really do the baby and toddler bit again?!

I'd love three kids, but three babies and toddlers is filling me with dread at the moment. So I'd love any thoughts about if it's worth getting through the first few years to have the bigger family (which I'd love) down the line?

We can afford three, and our house would be fine too, so it's not so much a finance decision. I'm on my own with the kids 2 or 3 nights a week as DH is away with work (aviation, so not avoidable), which does mean more of the pressure is on me - he does more than his fair share when he's at home.

Ah I know how you feel! I'd love 3 kids but sometimes my almost 3 year old can be a right handful and I think why do I want more of this?! And then remember I've got to do it again with my second 😂. But I put it in perspective that the vast majority of the day is grand it's just a small % which is hard. My second is only almost 5 months but he's definitely not put me off yet - maybe as they get older and I've got to manage the dynamics between them I'll change my mind! At the moment my heart just goes back to 3 all the time even though I know there's a million reasons to not go there.

You have such a teeeeny gap between your first 2 - could you wait a bit to give you a bit of time to come up for air before going again? If we go for a third I'd want a close ish gap again but definitely not under 2 years. I'd aim for between 2-3 year gap.

I can't give much advice on how it is in the future but I'm currently pregnant with our third. The age gap you have is tiny and having another tiny gap seems like hard work. I'll have over 3 years between my youngest and this baby and even that feels like I've just about recovered physically and emotionally!

We weren't sure whether to have a third and this was a happy surprise. Now I'm pregnant I'm worried about how we'll juggle but it's also nice to not keep having the should we/shouldn't we debate in my head. At least now we know we are definitely stopping at 3!!

3 kids? Go for it... later! Slow your roll. You've got time. No need to rush.

I really didn't find it too bad, fun in fact,but did leave 3 years between number 2 &3.
We are now at the stage of supporting three students in various ways and it is v expensive, getting a bit fed up of scrimping when others are going on nice holidays or cutting down on worketc

I’m 3 weeks into having 3 and it’s hard work! I’ve got 4 year gaps as well so I can’t imagine what it would be like with your ages. I have 2 boys 8 and 4 and then a little girl. But it’s totally worth it, she has slotted in nicely and the boys adore her. The hardest part at the moment is the 2 boys as there is lots of arguing and fighting for attention. It will be easier next week when school starts again.
When I first found out I was pregnant with her, I was shocked and couldn’t stop crying. Although we had wanted a third, we had tried for ages and it hadn’t happened so I had come to terms with the fact it wasn’t going to happen and I was perfectly happy with my complete family of 2 boys. But then we found out she was a girl and it felt meant to be. No one can make the decision for you, it will be hard but you will get through it as you have no other choice to! If finances and housing aren’t issues then you are half way there. Good luck with whatever you decide. You can regret not having a third, but you won’t ever regret having one x

I highly recommend three but we weren’t brave enough to go for it so quickly. It’s been hard enough as it is, I think having them in such quick succession would have killed me. My older two are close together but then we had a 4 year gap and it’s great. Close enough they’re still a gang and different combos of them work but with a bit of breathing space and I largely had the third on their own as a baby during the school terms early on. It’s still a lot and takes every ounce of my sanity and patience to keep the show on the road, so going into it when you’re already depleted by a baby and toddler would be full on.

We have 4 so I'm a bit biased 😂

It's full on but it's good. I'm never bored!

Happy to answer any questions!

Why the rush?

I'm older now but I had a 9yoM and 3yoF when I suddenly decided I must have a 3rd. Got the coil out in August. She was born the following August. Not sure where the feeling came from and my XH was on board. We could afford it. Since divorced. He's deceased. Kids are now 26 20 and 16. The 4 year gap was good for us. Youngest is unwell this week. Oldest came round with sweets and drinks for her yesterday. He dotes on his sisters. Glad we did it but between football. dancing. Brownies. Swimming. School runs. Teenage years...never ending teenage years lol. It is full on.

Well I wanted another 3 and there now 2 and 3 twins and single so I'm happy bunny, not saying it's easy but no harder than our older singles in that you still have routine etc

Thanks so much everyone, these views are so helpful.

In terms of the small age gap - for the first two, it was partly because I don't love the baby phase so wanted to get it out of the way! And partly because my sisters and I have the same age gap as my boys, and I really like it, so we planned it that way. It is full on, but I like it a lot - so the reason for looking at trying again now is it would give us another similar age gap. But I don't know if three under four is a different beast to two under two!

My heart definitely says have a third now, my head is conflicted - but actually my periods aren't totally back to normal since my second as I'm still breastfeeding so maybe fate will decide that we're having a bigger age gap no matter what conscious decision gets made.

we're having the same discussion at the moment, got two boys - 4.5 and 1 (almost 2) - there are 2.5 years between them. Also fine for space and finances. can't decide!

I had my third child (an accident) when my oldest was 3 years 1 month and my second was 17 months. It was bloody hard work, particularly as we were living abroad at the time without a family support network in place. BUT the hard years don't last forever - the longer you leave the gap the less you'll want to go back to the baby years and the less likelihood that they'll all want to play together.

My 'kids' are all in their mid to late 20's now and I'm so glad we had 3, we go on family holidays together and socialise as a group and they all get on great. No guarantees that'll happen I know but the fact that they're all going through the same life phase together must help.
Only proviso is my older two were girls (the third a boy) so maybe that's a bit easier than 3 boys because they tend to be more boisterous as toddlers - but maybe easier as teenagers? So swings and roundabouts.

In the same boat and can't decide, argh! Since neither of us have much close family in this country in our generation, I feel it would be nice for the kids to be three so they have each other. The freedom loving side of me thinks it would be a bad idea as getting out and about doing anything would be that much harder. But I can't let go of the desire for another... I do hear hotel Rooms are a bit of a nightmare with three (you need 2 rooms for a family) and also games that need two players! But hopefully all stuff that could be worked around! I also struggle with the environmental concerns because I do think there are already so many of us in the world but it's a hard feeling to let go of...

Please dont come out with the rubbish of you may regret not having a third but you wont regret having it.
Thats so patronising.
Plenty of people have a shit hand dealt them when they choose to have any at all and plenty would undo it too.
Having a third is epically life changing and its important to realise that.
I have 3. I adore them.
But dear god it was hard. V v hard at times and i have a wonderful husband who never once did anything except make my life easier.
And the third was still hard.

Fair enough, I take your point about regret etc although you don’t have to be quite so rude about it. I wasn’t meaning to be patronising.

But if you read the rest of my reply you would see that I was finding it hard so I’m in complete agreement with you that a third is life changing! I spent most of last week in tears as it’s hard to balance the needs of a newborn against the needs of older ones and I felt like I was failing everyone. But I also know that it won’t be this hard forever and time will move on quickly. It’s good for people to see both sides.

I wasnt rude.
Your comment is patronising.

I have 3 who are now adults and they are wonderful.

I wouldn’t have had 3 if I had to do nights on my own though. It was hard enough at the time with a husband who was around to help absolutely loads.

I have 2 girls 2 years apart, currently age 2 and 4. We always wanted 3 children, and we haven't decided yet, however - you may not have seen the worst of it yet. My eldest was her absolute worst when she was 3, going on 4 - the worst tantrums, just absolutely soul destroying trying to manage her with a baby. My youngest is nearly 3 and she's 100 miles an hour, even worse tantrums, defiant, will not sit still for a second and it's SO bloody hard. They bicker and fight for attention a lot, youngest is in the want-to-be-independent stage but still needs help which results in wrestling matches to get dressed. Honestly, it's mayhem some mornings and DH and I decided 100% certain we don't want another right now at least! Now my eldest is in school she's getting a lot more independent though so she'll go get ready herself sometimes which is amazing, and I'm coming out the other side and enjoying spending more time with her, having conversations etc rather than it all revolving around the kids.

If we do have another I think we'll wait until youngest is at school - however we're very much in danger of not wanting to go all the way back to the baby stage again if we leave it much longer!

One thing that may help is to write down all the negatives of having a third, so new car, house, finances, holiday/hotel rooms for 5, stress, less easy to get childcare etc... then write down solutions of how you'll overcome each one and decide if you're still happy with going ahead.

I felt if we had a 3rd I'd likely have to give up work, as at that point it wouldn't be worth the childcare fees - and also having little help with childcare already makes me sway towards no more, because I hate being a stressy parent.

Hope that helps??! Xxx

More kids are just more time consuming. If you really want another one then crack on.

I found 3 pretty easy, then came surprise twins which was hectic and exhausting (older ones were 9, 4 and almost 3 when they were born). Got 6 now, dh has aways worked away a lot (days to months at a time).

I found going from two to three didn’t make much difference. I had three under five. They were very close growing up and played nicely together. I think the closeness in age made it easier, as they were in the same stages.

I’m going against the grain- Roll out number 3 asap. Don’t extend the pain of baby and toddler years. Double up and get it done. I have a 16 month gap and 22 month gap between my 3 and it has been brilliant. Yes, there are a few crazy years but then it’s done. They will roll off to kindy and school so quickly. It’s economies of scale- having two in nappies at the same time is less work in the end that stringing it out consecutively for years

They will be at a similar age and interest for activities, tv shows and movies
They will be at the same school for the majority of their schooling- no double drop offs.
You don’t have to manage school drop offs and pick ups around a young toddler’s naps.
They can share a room for longer- friends of mine are having an awful time as their 14 year old and 10 year old daughters need to share, but the age gap is making it hard.

main negatives are

Triple car seats. Painful but doable
All kids having to wait around at sibling activities as none are old enough to be left home alone.

I have a 4 yo, 2yo and 6m old (21 months between 1 and 2; 29 months between 2 and 3). I love having 3 but I can't believe how much easier the slightly bigger age gap is and that would be my advice. Mine are all under 5 so very close in age but I feel like I've got just enough capacity to meet their needs and I'd struggle to do so if they were younger. Also, the nights can be completely brutal so you need to both be on board with night wakings