Another third child thread - talk sense into me please

[Nicepie]

I know it’s been done to death (I think I’ve read every thread on here) - but please talk to me about having three children!

Currently have two small children with a 2y age gap. Youngest is almost a year old. I really want a 3rd child, and have done since my eldest was born.

It’s obviously early days, but I have been lucky to have loved motherhood more than I thought I would. Despite having a nice life and rewarding job prior to babies, they have given me a sense of purpose and contentment that I never felt beforehand. I want to bring a third member to their little team and get to nurture another person.

Am I being ridiculous? Everyone seems to think so when I mention I’d quite like another. If we had a third, I know it would be more difficult on a practical level, more expensive, more time out of my career, I’d be spread more thinly, another roll of the dice in terms of all the potential health risks to me/any future child. Why upset the applecart when I love what I have now? Knowing all of this doesn’t seem to be putting me off.

If you know all these things then what is stopping you?

That wasn't meant unkindly. 3 is a different dynamic to 2 but very quickly that's all you've ever known. I absolutely wouldn't change having 3. If you can afford it then go for it!

How old are you? Are there any risks (medical etc)? Is your partner up for it?

I would have had 3 if I'd a) started younger b) had easier pregnancies and c) had a younger partner. It was too risky for us but for other couples it would make sense.

Some people want large families. Some don’t want kids at all. No right or wrong. If you can financially swing it and DH is onboard then do it!

I have 2 and don’t want more so I probably would say you’re a bit crazy for wanting a third but I’m not the one raising it so it’s really none of my concern 🤷🏻‍♀️

Good question!! I think I’m naturally quite risk averse, and am questioning myself because everyone I know seems to think we must be done at two. Mum and MIL are very hostile to the idea of a third. I am one of two and always thought I’d probably have two, until my eldest came along and I just loved everything about family life. I know it would be harder but I sort of think it will be worth it? Like I’m already in the thick of no sleep and nappies and tantrums so I might as well lean into it for the sake of having a third child in the family?

I’m 36, so wouldn’t want to wait too long before trying again. Totally aware it might not happen! I have had horrible sickness for the first half of both pregnancies, but other than that have been fortunate and no real risk beyond age. Partner is on board and similar to me in that “head” says stick with two and “heart” says three.

My second is almost 14 months. I have always wanted 3 kids. Always imagined 3 kids round the table, big loud happy family.

However just recently, probably in the last couple of weeks I’ve had a feeling of contentment come over me. I’m getting that fabled feeling of ‘done’ when I look at my family. For the first time in my life, I am not jealous when I hear pregnancy announcements (have suffered with infertility so this is big for me!) I’m not longing to be pregnant or have a squishy newborn again.

In practical terms, everything would be so much more expensive. We have just booked our first holiday as a 4, several times we said bloody hell could you imagine the cost for 5 of us! Also bigger car, possibly bigger house, not to mention the nightmare of childcare. Being outnumbered by kids and splitting myself 3 ways - I don’t think I could do it.

No, I think we’re all here now and can move on to the next chapter of my life after TTC, pregnancy and new borns.

Good luck with whatever you OP - it’s not an easy one! Your feelings might just change as mine did in time and make the decision for you.

@Nicepie I love having three , I love the family dynamic and someone always has someone to play with, it’s wonderful.
I will say though that I have found it harder than I thought as they have gotten older , I’m in the “golden era” where they are all in primary and I’m actually surprised by finding it quite hard in comparison to when they were small. Also I have a just turned teenager now and all the parents with teenagers I know say it’s a billion times harder than when they were small. I genuinely felt like I was killing it /super mum when they were small but in lots of ways it is really simple and easy when they are small (we also have /had zero family support) , it’s all routined and tbh Kind-of easy . It just gets more complicated in ways that I didn’t imagine .
I still love having 3 and absolutely love them to bits , balancing work and school is v v v hard and we are in an area with v limited childcare. Just think down the line.

Only yesterday I was saying to my husband how glad I was we chose to have our 3rd child and I am just so glad we did as like you we were torn.

I've never felt a minutes regret, I don't even find it that much extra work, maybe I'm mad as obviously it is still a whole other extra being to cater for emotionally and physically. But I think when you're already in that stage with other children it's not that much harder having another one in the mix.

There is no getting around the fact that 3 is hard. Its loud and messy and there is never enough time. But it's also brilliant. Obviously it is more expensive with three, but only in the same way it is more expensive with two than one, or having one kid over having none. There is a lot of fun in our house and watching them together is one of my favourite parts of parenting.

I never felt we were complete with two, and I'm not sure I would have been able to let that feeling go if we'd stopped at two.

It going to disagree with the above poster, financially it's a big leap going from 2-3. Wherever we go we have to get 3 bedrooms minimum, whereas 2 children would have been 2 bedrooms and there's usually a 50% increase in cost (as in goes from £1000 to £1500 for the family not like with buying ice cream where one extra means a small percentage increase. I hope that makes sense!).

You do find yourself feeling overstretched but parents of 2 say that as well. Both my dm and my mil were very negative about us having No3 but ultimately it was none of their business. They both choose to have 2 and couldn't understand why we'd want another. My dm is now really close to No3, in fact they might be her favourite!

The choice was taken from me when 2nd pregnancy turned out to be twins. It was so much easier than I thought as experience from firstborn meant I coped way better. Didn't expect to fall for a 4th when twins were a year old....but tbh once you have more than two more just becomes more fun 😁

We’re expecting number 3, so no specific advice yet, but I have found this pregnancy so much easier than the last two, probably because I had a few years of decent sleep before it (DC2 will be 4.5 when baby arrives, whereas DC2 was conceived when DC1 was only 15mo). I’m very glad we waited, although I wasn’t glad during the wait!! And very excited for DC3, and a mat leave where the other two are relatively self sufficient on basics like toileting / snacks / getting out a game to play.

Had my children at 34,36 & the last one at 38. Have 3 under 5 and it's hard work but I'm glad I did it as I really like having 3 children and going from 2-3 wasn't has hard as going from 1-2. As long as your husband is supportive then go for it. The only thing I would say is keep a close eye on your health as back to back pregnancies are draining on your body at any age but especially when you are older:

A word of warning that No 3 was 3 and 4. Bigger house/ car, it’s a real challenge

Watching this haha currently trying to battle with the urges for a 3rd youngest starts school September eldest will be 6 soon my heart is telling me one more and my head is telling me no. Argh it's hard

When I was debating having a third, I asked many people I knew who stopped at two their opinions. It was a real eye-opener. Every single one who had considered a third and didn't do it really regretted it. That is what stuck with me.

DH and I were adamant we only wanted two children. Husband even booked a vasectomy after our second was born. I had high risk pregnancies both times (34 & 36). Whilst waiting for the vasectomy appointment, I fell pregnant again by accident. I was so angry at us for being so stupid. Fast forward a year, after a horrendous pregnancy and birth (39), I wouldn’t change it for the world. Hard work and financially draining but it’s the best and best “accident” ever.

Us and vast majority of our friends have two now they are teens no one regrets it. Quite the opposite. Teens are fab but extremely emotionally and financially draining. Then there’s university to pay for. Plus we have done so much as a family over the years with two similar age kids who get on.

"It’s obviously early days, but I have been lucky to have loved motherhood more than I thought I would. Despite having a nice life and rewarding job prior to babies, they have given me a sense of purpose and contentment that I never felt beforehand. I want to bring a third member to their little team and get to nurture another person. "

God, this hit me so hard. There are people out there who don't deserve to be parents and do the absolute worst to their children. Then there are people like you. Your children are so lucky to have you. To bring another loved child into your family would be a good thing.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply and share your insights and kind words. I am finding them really helpful.

@IcarusFlies congratulations on your pregnancy!

I’ll come at it from how good 2 children are. My youngest is 3 and my eldest 6- they finally of an age where they play together, yea they fight but they know if they want to play with someone they have to get along, no one is left out. I have a life as does my husband - each of us can take them both out alone without too much difficulty. A close friend with 3 can’t take them swimming alone, and on bigger day trips says her husband has to come as she can’t watch all 3. Also the age gap between the eldest and youngest can cause issues, as you will be dragging someone to an activity not suited to them. Throw in helping with homework, extra curricular activities and play dates, I have no idea why people want 3.

I'm currently pregnant with my 3rd (I have a 2 yo and a 1 yo) so I can't advise you on anything really as she's not here yet, but I can tell you I'm so excited for her to be here with her sisters!! I think I would have regretted it for the rest of my life if we hadn't chosen to have a 3rd

Family joke but I had a third because I couldn’t bare to loose the buggy and carry shopping 😂
My third is a brilliant human being and all three of my children, as adults have a fantastic relationship . The age gap was 4 and 6 years .
Absolutely no problems with school ,bedtime,extra curricular activities etc . He just fitted in with the family dynamics.

In the same boat, head says stick at 2 but really broody for a 3rd. I know deep down it isn’t going to happen as older now and finances etc would be stretched so I need to stop thinking about it 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣