I don't actually know if I'm looking for advice or reassurance or just to put this out there in words but here goes. I was always a very laid back person to the point of it being a source of frustration to my family. However, I wad in the last trimester of my first pregnancy when lockdown hit in 2020 and long story short, it completely messed with my brain chemistry and I've had bad health anxiety ever since as well as OCD. I spent the first 6 months of my daughter's life in a terrified haze, certain she was going to die. As she grew I got better and we felt ready for another baby when she turned two. My next pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 10 weeks and reinforced to me that I wasn't paranoid and bad things happened to me, spiralling my anxiety again. I recovered from the miscarriage and we had our second baby which was a very healing experience. When he was 6 months old, the anxiety and OCD came creeping back in and, recognising the signs, I went to the GP and started serialise and CBT counselling to get on top of the mental health issues. During this time, i felt great and had a much more positive outlook. I was certain I wanted a 3rd baby and my husband wanted the same. We agreed to start trying when my son turned 1.I came off the medication a few months ago and my son's first birthday is next week. I have found myself consumed with fear and panic about the idea of having another baby. To give you an insight into my irratio Al brain, my thoughts range from how will we manage childcare' and 'we might struggle to give them all the attention they need' to 'What if the baby has a severe disability and I can't cope' and 'I think there is a high chance I could die and leave my husband and three young kids behind'
I hate the thought that my ppor state of mental health could prevent us from having the three children we always dreamed of but I can't imagine how our life will be if I go through another horrendous pregnancy and then spend the first 6 months in absolute terror of things that are very unlikely. It seems unfair on our existing children to put them through that but I also can't stop thinking about the big busy family we know they'd love to be a part of.
I am very aware of the fact am incredibly lucky to have two amazing happy and healthy children and I am thankful for this every day. Do I take the gamble to complete our family or quit while we're ahead and enjoy the life we have? All opinions welcome.