Spread too thin with 3 kids

[Lunarskybox]

I have 2 daughters aged 6 and 1 and am contemplating a third. I am not currently working and so spend a good amount of time with both kids. The age gap is great for them and us (they don't have rivalry but adore each other, and have quite distinct needs which makes life easier for us!). I would love a third but don't want to screw up the lovely way things are now. I feel I give both girls a lot of my time and what they need. For parents with three (or if you grew up with two siblings) do you feel you get the balance almost right or are you always feeling you aren't with each enough? Many thanks

No single raindrop thinks it's responsible for the flood, but it is selfish to reproduce at or beyond replacement rate. Think if their future.

@LaurieStrode the birth rate in the UK is below replacement rate... I also don't understand your argument as surely you are arguing for no dc?

I have 3 - BGB age 13.15 and 17. As they are all quite close together they have all been at similar stages or at least close enough that whatever activity we did was suitable for them all mostly.

I feel that we manage to give each of them enough individual attention and what they need as well as plenty of family time and interaction.

3 can be a bit noisy and chaotic and most things are made for families of 4 but it is also lots of fun

I know friends with 6 and they do something which I wish I had done when my kids were little. They have a short meeting of the parents with each child alone at the weekend for 10-15 minutes. Each kid gets both their parents absolutely undivided attention.

They discuss how their week is going and anything their kid wants to discuss and have some goals for the week ahead. As their children became teens they often give them more time. Just a small amount of undivided attention like that works wonders and keeps you all plugged in. It also nips issues in the bud and makes sure nothing is going under the radar. Also, if they want to discuss something and you are extremely busy, you can guarantee the undivided attention of mum and dad ALONE at the weekend. It's great to just be together and not be disciplining or anything during that time.

I am one of three and had a v happy childhood as the middle one.

I couldn’t handle more than 2 myself. It extends the period of time when you have very small pre-schoolers, when you really have so little of yourself. And it obviously increases the demands on you. I find it takes a lot out of me to parent well and I selfishly want time for myself now. I couldn’t manage the balance I want with more than 2 kids.

This was so lovely to read. Thank you for taking the time to share and I hope you have made a full recovery now.

I've got my third on the way and although I thought it was mad to have a third, these are the factors that made me think it was doable:

My parents, aunt and sister & BIL all live nearby and adore kids. They are a fantastic support system.

We have enough bedrooms so nobody has to share.

Schools are great where we are so no desire to go private.

Financially I don't need to work and DH only works from home. This is the biggest one for me, as at the moment it seems like somebody is always sick, or school finishes at 12 for no reason, or nursery is having a training day. I would not cope well with trying to manage a job and three kids.

I had my third 11 months ago, mine are 9, 3 and 11 months. I asked around before and my friends who had 3 (not many) said that it was great and didn't find it that different.

It was. It's only now she is 11 months that I am starting to feel slightly like myself again. I am only just starting to feel like I'm kind of on top of things sometimes. I definitely felt like I did not have enough of me to go around and still do. I don't know how others make it look so easy I really envy those who don't struggle.

I don't know why 2-3 was such a change for us but it has been really really tough. I may have had mild PPD, as I think I have cried everyday since she was born but it is definitely getting easier.

Oh I'm so sorry you've had such a tough time. It's hard enough having one new baby without dealing with two older ones at the same time. I fear I might find this too much as well. My hope is that it's (relatively) short term. It sounds like things might be getting a bit easier - I hope things continue to move in that direction. I am sure you are doinf a wonderful job though and hopefully you will find yourself again soon x

No way would I do this. Quit while you're ahead. Two really is plenty, especially with the planet being as fucked as it is.

@LaurieStrode people always say this on here re anyone that wants more than two, or even one! I live in Spain and their birth rate is the lowest it’s ever been - so low the government encourages some people to have three to balance out all the people having one (popular here for lifestyle / size of accommodation reasons) or none. They can’t sustain their economy as there are so few young people! They are super open to English, Dutch, Scandi, Ukrainian etc professionals coming here who can sustain themselves financially and bringing two - three + kids to use their private schools and spend money in the country and hope some will stay as Spanish cities are on the up - Malaga, Madrid, Barcelona, Valencia etc

Environmental care isn’t solely about number of children! Because we live here, we very rarely need to fly as on mainland Spain you can train all over Europe. We also consume much less than the average UK family or even couple! As Amazon etc have a much smaller selection and local and second hand shopping is a bigger part of Spanish culture. People don’t rip out kitchens in Spain - they keep things for years and pass well made furniture and made in EU clothes on. Food is also far more locally grown than it is in the UK.

The global tfr is 2.3, when it drops another 0.1 then the fertility rate will reach population replacement levels. In the UK the tfr rate is 1.56, we've already begun our journey to an inverted population triangle. The number of people having three in this country barely touches the sides.

I found 2 to 3 was fine. You have all the routines and child focused family life in place already. Mine are close together though and I still felt it when other families were moving on from primary school for eg that we were stuck in an earlier stage and that could feel like a slog. I might worry about the balance though with 2 littleones close together then a big gap to the oldest. The balance would change ,but in the end its life, families come in a shapes and sizes ,I think we over think what is just normal human life .

But I do remember a strong feeling when pregnant that if it was hard with three or other issues came along which were hard to manage with 3 it would be my self inflicted extra complication and I was tempting fate

Oh yep. I'm not pregnant with a third yet obviously but I definitely have a vision of myself finding it very difficult and thinking - well, you didn't have to do this did you!

My two were 5.5 and 8 when the baby was born. They're now 10 (almost 11), 8 and 2.5. We both work full time (DH from home), no family within 200km and I commute 30 mins each way. DH drops older kids to school and on his way back drops toddler at childminder. He collects older two at 3pm and I collect the toddler on my way back at 5pm.

The jump from 2-3 wasn't too bad considering my older two weren't 'great' sleepers. I did a lot of thinking and waiting it out but the urge for a third was still there. I think I my case it is partly due to me not having any siblings and I hope that my kids will have each other to lean on. I hope to try and foster a close relationship between them.
My third was born at the tail end of Covid in mid 2021 so the country was still in semi lockdown, DH was home, and kids were back to school. All these made it easier for us and the baby wasn't as bad a sleeper compared to my older two.
It is busier, the washing never stops, the baby has the last room so we no longer have a spare room. The moment we had her, I knew that was it and the way our older two play with her and seeing them together makes me so happy and envious at the same time. I'm so glad I had her, and I plan to enjoy the last bit of her childhood as it goes so quickly seeing my eldest turning 11 soon and growing up.

The best part about having 3 is when you are just hanging out with 2 of them when they are small it feels like an absolute breeze 😂

You become multitasker extraordinaire.