Tell me why I shouldn’t go for a forth…

[TheWitche]

I’m an only child and always wanted 3 to have a big family. I have 3 boys 2, 6 and 8.
As a family we are so lucky, we have the money for them to do lots of activities, they have their own lovely bedrooms and they get mostly everything they desire within reason. They probably are a bit spoilt but I had nothing growing up so probably overcompensating! DH and I work full time but I do condensed days and he does shift work so it works, plus we have family support from grandparents.
I’ve lost weight this year and I’m trying to improve my physical health (and let’s be honest looks). I’m in the best shape since before getting pregnant. I’m finally doing nights out with friends and getting that side of my life back. I’ve sold all the baby stuff so no hand me downs.
We are definitely not rich by any stretch but comfortable.

I finally feel in a place where I’m getting out of the baby stage, I can see the next chapter, my youngest starts nursery school in September so all 3 of them will be in ‘school’.

And as great as it is, I still can’t stop wanting another! Realistically it is sensible to stick at 3, we can give them a good upbringing and financially OK. I’m worried a fourth would massively change things, I don’t want people to feel ‘I’m doing it to get a girl’ and palm the potential boy off as unwanted (which let’s be honest, it will be another boy) BUT I don’t feel like I’m done. Will I always feel like this? How do you know when to stop? Or should I just go for it? 🤣

Wondering how you made your decisions if you have 4/5 etc.

Well, one reason I wouldn't is that you have no idea what life is going to throw at you. You're comfortable now, but what if one of you loses your job? A friend of mine has four and was preparing to go back to work. Her DH has been ill and they just found out he has a severe condition which means he won't be returning to work. She will now have to be his carer, so she can't really work now either. So, they have to now support a family of six on benefits in a small house. What if the fourth child is disabled? You have three healthy children. Why risk it?

How old are you?

You already have so much of everything. Perhaps you should focus on enjoying what you have instead of collecting more?

I’m just about to have my third and always wanted three but I love my family so much that I’m also considering a 4th further down the line. Similar position in which we have a good income etc.

partly I’m scared that one day I will no longer be able to have children which terrifies me but also, I don’t have any family so I really wanted a big family. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it and you can’t let the fear of a future bad situation that may never happen deter you from that otherwise we would never get anywhere in life. What if you had another and it all worked out perfectly?

This.

Is your family still affordable if one of you dies? Can both of you handle bringing up the children alone? Can you afford it if there is another/ bigger cost of living crisis in two years time?

It happens, I've seen it happen with colleagues. Make sure that if one of you drops down dead, the other can totally take over and still offer the children a stable and loving home.

I have 3, and sometimes wish I’d had number 4. However, I know my energy might not stretch to a 4th, neither would the space in the car, an extra bedroom needed, holidays etc. So here I am with 3 girls and as much as I’d love another baby I know how very lucky I am and concentrate on them. I think sometimes it’s just the maternal side whispering “just one more…” because I know I have a lot of love to give, and I’ll be 90 one day still wanting “just one more..”

I would really focus on the realities of life with 4 children and the impact that another child would have on:

You
The 3 children you have already
Your relationship

If you have enough time, energy and resources to provide at least as much as you do now to all of those and can also cope financially, emotionally and practically with the possibility of future problems e.g loss of job/loss of relationship/child born with additional health challenges then maybe.

I would need a lot more money to be ok supporting 4.

I cannot put into words how the expense of 3 has ambushed me as they've got older. School residentials this year will be costing me £1k alone. Family holidays are eye watering as many companies charge adult prices once over 12. School dinners for 3 is a serious weekly expense etc.

We are comfortable, both work in good jobs ft etc and my DC are not particularly materially spoiled at all but financially 3 feels a lot. Many of our friends with 2 or 1 child have a lot more disposable cash and I can see that 4 (that I used to want) would mean my current DC would just not be going on their school trips or having birthday parties etc.

and once you have 4 you will want 5…then 6.
Do you want another child or a baby?

3 great healthy kids. Imagine that this 4th you weren’t so lucky and what that would do to your lovely family dynamic.

Nope, I wouldn't in your shoes. Your life sounds fab, don't rock the boat.

Four is too many imho. Might not be a popular pov and of course different circumstances apply in each individual case...but to me, four is too many. You will be exhausted and financially worse off as well as the quality of attention for each child being compromised by a lack of energy and time.
I have three. More than enough for me.

It’s hormones…it’ll pass.

You might be comfortable financially now, but they’re young i assume? Teenagers are expensive to run - and you’re already set to have three of them! School trips, socialising, tech, driving lessons, first cars, uni, house deposits etc etc, i wouldn’t want to be a young adult starting out in this economic climate without a bit of bank of mum and dad to help out, will you be able to do that with 4?

Children don't come with guarantees - any could develop health issues, a new baby could be severely disabled, accident ... then you could get sick yourselves, loose your job etc.

There's also quite a financial leap I'm told to 6 from 5.

Kids get even more pricey as they grow or and finally relationships fail ... sorry to be full of negativity but in the real world you don't know what is around the corner

I've got four. It works for us for lots of reasons and I wouldn't change it for the world. We are a team (most of the time) and when we are all together and chatting is my happiest time. They're late teens now so that time is fleeting but still great.

Only you can know if it is what you want.

I have 4, youngest has autism, adhd, touretts and I still wanted more, I tried for a fifth but it wasn't to be. I don't think the wanting every goes. I don't regret my forth or all the miscarriages and ectopic pregnancy after as they made us stronger as a family. All I would say is your children need you forever, 3 off mine are adults and still need me, although only 1 of the adults live at home.

I have 4 and we had a good income but don't now and it's fucking hard.
I would never unwish my children but I do wish life was easier for them.

Because you probably don't spend enough 1:1 with the 3 you already have ...

I have 4 and it’s full on, expensive and never ends, the washing, the stuff they need etc. it is amazing and I love them all. They do get 1:1 time as my older 2 are adults now but when young it was more difficult. Not sure I’d be going back to nappies and babies when your kids are almost in school. My ex did it, mad idiot he’s got 22 year old and a 1year old
I could not be arsed but each to their own I guess

Enjoy what you have, and you say you have a supportive family ... how would they feel about supporting four DGC? Is it fair on them?

And have you really factored in school support, sports activities, driving lessons, Uni support etc etc (I know everyone will come on and say you don't need to support your DC through Uni etc etc but the reality is that most parents would like to be in a position to do so).

And, as everyone else says, what if you or DH can't work any longer or become seriously ill or die?

We've got four and we've never regretted it. We never particularly planned it that way we were just open to the possibility and it happened. Possibly we could have gone on to have another and we'd have both loved that but we held back a bit and in the end didn't.

They are all fairly close in age and luckily get on well. Having said that one has ASD and has struggled and has needed quite a lot of help and attention and I've sometimes worried that has taken our attention away from the needs of the others at times. But on balance I think it's been okay. The youngest is now late teens and the others early-mid twenties and in that transition stage of uni to full time employment (all still based at home) which is currently horrendously expensive for us.

We have a dual but fairly modest income and sometimes I do seriously worry if there is going to be much left for us to retire on. There just seems to be no possibility to save anything month by month for our own future. Nobody told us how financially, as well as emotionally, dependant even fairly well-adjusted kids can be even as young adults. I guess it would have been a different story if we'd just had one or two.

Having said that I don't think we'd want it any other way. When we're all together at Christmas/New year there is so much laughter and joy just being together and looking at the photos of those occasions of our four smiling beautiful now young adult children just makes my heart sing.

So I would say it isn't easy, we're definitely poorer than we would have been, it can be emotionally hard work at times and any additional child is only going to increase that. But we wouldn't change anything.

Sounds like you are very comfortable and able to support a fourth, if you have a bedroom for each child and paying for clubs in this economy. So part of me thinks - go for it!

But also, it IS hormones. I have been through phases of being desperate for a third, but I’m actually soooo relieved we stuck to two, which was our plan. When the fog clears I realise it was all hormones/biological drive, not a true desire.

I think a woman has to be quite motivated and organised to have young children and a baby, so sometimes when that phase passes and things quieten down, we feel the urge for the “next thing” (aka next baby), when all you need is a project. Could you get a rescue dog, decorate a room, start a hobby? You might just need to divert your energies elsewhere.

I also have 3 boys but I always wanted a girl. So I said I'll give it a last try (which I said twice before). Im pregnant with a girl))). Our parents and friends think that we are insane but who cares.

Your 8 year old will probably be 10 when a new baby comes along. So forever stuck with holidays etc that are suitable for a child 10 years younger than them. Not fun.

We have four essentially in two batches as your would be - #4 was born when the siblings were 2, 6 and 8. It's a big gap between your youngest and your older two so they will be an only before you know it. This was one of the main drivers really for #4 - my younger two have never been to school with their eldest sibling and none have been at school with more than one sibling at any time, for example. It means company for age-appropriate activities etc. They all have a great relationship but there is a huge gap and that relationship has ebbed and flowed at different stages. It so happens that I have three of one and the youngest is the other and I shot down in flames anyone who suggested this was just another go because it absolutely wasn't. I like the dynamic - there is rarely one left out but often 2+2 (in different permutations) in terms of chat and activity. I would go for it.