Whether to stop at 4 or have 5

[0MammaBear0]

Hi, I always dreamt of having a large family, if I lived in one of those homestead cottages I'd have 8 kids, but being realistic I had planned having 5 children in total. I had three children close in age and I love how well DC1 (3y) and DC2 (2y) get along and play together. I had planned on having a bit of a break before having DC4 and DC5 close in age, but DC4 happened by surprise. In terms of logistics it's going to be very hard having 4 under 5 and DH is stressed about it. We really couldn't have more than 5 so I don't know if this should be our last DC or if to have a 5th in the future. On one hand I really liked 5 as a number and on the other I feel that child would be missing out on growing up with siblings close in age into the same interests and development, unlike DC1, DC2, DC3 and (fingers crossed everything will be alright) soon DC4; also I might get too comfortable once all my kids outgrow their baby/toddler phase as to go and have another... Any families with 4 and 5 DC happy to share their experiences? :)

Can you afford 5?

I have 5. There’s a bigger age gap (four years) between 3 and 4 and while 4 was originally going to be the last one it was clear after a while that they’d be left out a bit so we had another close in age. Personally in your situation I’d either stick with four or have six (two more close together after a break).

I have 4 kids. I find 4 kids quite a lot to manage. I would stop at 4 if I we're you, unless you have a LOT of space, time and money. Children get bigger, and louder, and get wider lives outside of the family that you're expected to facilitate (emotionally, financially, practically, logistically ....). A large number of bigger kids is somehow harder than a large number of small kids, despite them leading to feed/clothe/toilet themselves.

Saying you like five as a number doesn't make any sense at all.

I’d have DC4 and see how you feel. I have two DC with 18 months between them and although I always imagined myself with a big family, it’s simply not practical for us.

My DH is the eldest of 4 and remembers being largely ignored throughout his childhood as his younger siblings demanded so much attention. I think you just need to be careful you don’t stretch yourself too thin and to prioritise your existing DC’s needs (and future needs) over expanding your family further.

This.

Personally I'd stop at 4, because I love the idea of a tribe of kids close in age and I wouldn't want to have a gap and then go back to the baby stage. It's up to you though obviously! See how it goes and how you feel, you don't need to decide now.

I think if your dh is expressing stress about the situation now, you should pay close attention to that.

Im also a bit mystified as to why you would see being comfortable with 4 children growing up in the future as a bad thing?

It gets so much harder once they start school. Reading with each child every night doing their school book, learning the phonics, practicing for the spelling test., taking them to swim lessons, dropping one to a bday party.

less is more. Don’t have 5!

I have 4 and hope for 1 more. It's gets busy with each child but having a routine and planing things ahead helps. Maybe having some gap would help you and your husband won't feel the stress.

I wanted 4DC, but now almost due with #3 I know this will be the last. They are expensive, cost of living, would need a bigger car again, DH is 46 and I don’t want him to be 50 having the next one. It also took 19months to conceive this baby and couldn’t cope with that anxiety again. On the gap front, I don’t do babies close together, I have a 9yr old, almost 6yrs old then will have a newborn. I don’t know how anyone can do them so close together.

it is an individual choice, I don’t think the gap is an issue at all but it’s a massive change and upheaval to add another into the mix

Stick at 4. The dynamics of 4 close together then a gap for number 5 seem less than ideal. I think you need to base your decision on reality, not hypothetical ideas of what sounds good, you don't even have 4 yet! 4 under 5 sounds like enough of a gang. Also don't focus on the early years. Once your kids are at school, they still need you plenty, so I wouldn't rush to have another baby then.

Stick with 4 close in age I would say.

I really wouldn’t rush any decisions until you have at least one school-age child. As a pp said, it’s actually much harder to juggle the needs of older kids, who all have their own needs and priorities outside of your home, than it is a horde of littlies. I’ve got three and was a bit naive thinking that meeting everyone’s needs would get easier to balance as they got older. The immediate care aspect eases up around 3 but clubs, sports, play dates, parties, school events etc ramps up massively.

I have 4. It’s hard, hard work. My eldest child was 7 when the youngest was born but they are really 2 sets of 2 born close together.

I have 2 at school, and, while it does take them out of the house physically during the mornings/early afternoon, our entire evenings are taken up doing homework and their activities and it is very stressful.

There is a lot of noise and crying, and I find it very hard to cope sometimes (although I think that particular aspect is age related).

My DH and I don’t really do anything together. Although we have absolutely zero support aside from each other so that doesn’t help matters.

They are all lovely, but I definitely, DEFINITELY couldn’t cope with another!!!

Why not? Women get constantly asked if we want children and how many would we like. Some women want none, others they say 1, or 2, or 3. I personally want a large family and 5 children is what I had envisioned. If a woman said she wants 1 she wouldn't be questioned "1 as a number doesn't make sense". Larger families are becoming rarer but there are still families who are quite happy to have more than the average. 5 is the number of children that fit in a 7 seater car and the number of children I can afford to have, 6 would really make things very difficult in terms of transport and space, so that's why I liked 5.

I have four (had them all in under 6 years so close in age), I found the baby/toddler/primary school years the easiest to be honest. It was an endless slog though of running about after them at activities. No they are teenagers it is much harder with all the problems teenagers bring. They cost a fortune, just to feed and clothe them, nevermind uni/college, driving lessons etc. Going through exams with covid was a stress too. Boyfriend/friend angst too it’s never ending it makes you want to go back to the toddler days I’m not kidding.

I love having four but please remember that they grow up into bid hulking teens/young adults in no time at all 🤣

Thanks for all the replies. I think I'm inclined to be done after this DC. The original plan was to have 3 now and 2 later, but our 4th is here and it would be a shame for a 5th one to miss out on having a sibling close in age to grow with, and we really couldn't have a 6th one, we wouldn't have enough space in our car for everyone. I understand what many of you are saying about giving children enough time, energy and attention, I'm a stay-at-home mom and a homeschooler so I'm pretty confident in having enough time to dedicate to each of my children, and I plan to make it a routine on Saturdays to get all together in family and specially when they're older ask for feedback and their feelings to make sure everyone gets their needs met. Just to clarify, DH also wants a large family but as we had planned 3 now and 2 later on having an unplanned pregnancy has caught him by surprise so that's why he's stressed (and 4 booster car seats are a challenge even in a 7 seater car)