I can shake the feeling of wanting a 5th child

[Greenqueen27]

I'm 28 years old and have 4 children. I had my first aged 20 and was a single mum through pregnancy. I have known my fiancé for over a decade and we began our relationship when my eldest son was a toddler. We had our first child together soon into our relationship and went on to have another quite soon after. This was planned as I didn't want too much of a big gap between first and last child.

I fell pregnant with my 4th child last year which was unplanned and I felt so incredibly stupid and spent months feeling very depressed. When he was born he just fitted into our family so well and it's like he was always meant to be here.

I dont want a baby any time soon, but I can't imagine being in my 30s and not having a really young child/baby. I don't know why I feel like this, I wish the urge would go. I'm fortunate that me and my fiancé work in well paid jobs, mine being flexible and allowing me to work from home to still spend time with my children and my eldest child's father pays his fair share towards our son. I just know that when I had my 4th I had a lot of negative comments and I've tried to get sterilised so that the option is taken away from me. My fiancé doesn't want to have a vasectomy in case I regret not wanting another child and I know other contraceptions are able to be stopped and I feel like I need something I can't reverse so that I can get over this feeling. Unfortunately due to my age I'm not getting very far with having sterilisation as an option.

If you can afford another child then why not keep the idea in the back of your mind? It doesn’t have to happen right now. Are you concerned about birth control not working and you end up getting pregnant sooner than you would want?

@Stresa22 thank you for replying. I'm confident birth control would work I'm just worried I would choose to come off it at some point and I'll get a lot of negative comments. I had negative comments about having a 4th and they really got to me. I feel so conflicted.

What flexible well paid job have you found at the age of 28 (so presumably fast progression) that let you have 4 maternity leaves, your first at 20 so presumably no degree required, and still progress so quickly so young? Asking for a friend! 😅

Also, answering the actual question, why not look to doing it in 4 or 5 years time? That's my plan for my next baby! I'm learning with my youngest that the toddler stage is so much more fun when there's no baby to keep hold of at the same time as running after someone on a ride on car, stopping them walking into the duck pond when we feed the ducks, and being able to stay close while they're splashing in puddles!
🦆

i think all you can do is examine your reasons for wanting a fifth and develop the inner strength to deal with any negativity. Find the strength within yourself and be proud of your family.

You need to think about how another mouth to feed will affect your children. What happens when they get to the expensive ages of the teen years and Uni ?

I have 5 DSs and 1 Ss, so I do feel qualified to respond . I do think you need to think of all the expenses as they get older . Drining lessons . Wedding contributions. House contributions. Education, etc . Even the thought of how any inheritance will be split in so many ways . My DSs have all left home now, and I am conscious that we can't help them out as much as other parents . Don't get me wrong, my DSs are my world, and they are very close. The best gift we gave them was each other . But I just wanted you to consider the future years .

The same happened to me AFTER id been sterilised when I had my fourth. Then I ended up having loads of ivf then a sterilisation reversal and ended up having 2 more dc!

@MakeTeaNotLove i fell on my feet with my job when my eldest was a few months old and was fortunate enough to be promoted after a couple of years of hard work, working from home was supposed to just be during lockdown but ended up being permanent so I feel very lucky. I actually dropped out of university for this job and I'm so glad I did! But back to baby numero 5, you're right about the toddler age I love it. With my second and third I've had a baby alongside the toddler stage which made it harder. I don't know if I'll actually have another baby I was just to expecting to feel complete by now 😖

@DustyLee123 that is my worry and why I'm trying to find away to let this feeling go

@Soozikinzii I completely get that. I'm an only child and my dad passed away when I was 22 and I was lucky enough to not have the inheritance split between siblings. However, not having a sibling going through the grief with me is actually what pushed me into wanting a big family. I was always so lonely as a child and I knew I wanted quite a few children so we could have big chaotic christmases etc.
my children are still young so I know I'm not feeling the full financial burden dependents bring so I think that's something I really need to keep in mind because I want to be able to help all of them when they need it.

@WhatIsNotWhatIf oh gosh that must have been hard after being sterilised. When did you begin to regret the decision to be sterilised?

Give it a few years. You are so young in fertility terms.

I have found that I enjoy my kids (and experience the challenges too) of the age they are at the time. I do look at their baby photos and feel some nostalgia but we are now at the late primary/early secondary stage and finding out all the benefits of that. I couldn’t for anything now go back to the early baby and toddler period. My kids dress and wash themselves, we have lie ins, we have good chats with them. If I’d got to this stage in my 30s rather than 40s I’d be thrilled at all the years ahead of freedom personally (views will vary 😀).

But when you’re in the thick of the early days it feels like that’s all parenting will ever be, and when they’ve grown up a bit you’ll feel redundant, and you really don’t.

About 2 hours after it was done I wasn’t properly counselled beforehand it was a last min thing on the day they pushed and I’d been delirious with a bad uti it was awful. Ds was taken to nicu 1 hour after birth and I was so devastated

@Desolatewardrobe that's actually a really good point about thinking the baby/toddler years are all they'll ever be. I love feeling needed and maybe I'm worried when they're all a bit bigger that I won't be. Even though I'm 28 and call my mum multiple times a day so I should know mums are most definitely needed no matter your age!

@WhatIsNotWhatIf im so sorry you went through that I can't imagine how upset you must have felt. I hope you had some sort of apology or acknowledgment from the hospital about how wrong that was.

Not only will you still be wanted but teenagers really do need your time and attention. I have four and worry that I don’t have enough for them as it is. It’s more emotionally draining at their age rather than practical, apart from all the endless taking them places, but there’s plenty to do.

I also wanted a big family after losing a parent young and a difficult sibling relationship, but four has got you there already, and you also have a lovely long time ahead to spend watching them grow up and build that family together.

@Desolatewardrobe thank you for your perspective it definitely helps. I don't want my children's younger years to be tarnished with me constantly contemplating another baby so hopefully I can be content with the idea of being done.

In the end yes they did apologise- but once I obtained my notes (they went ‘missing’ for a while and it was only when a friend of mine worked there that they were found and she gave them to me which was technically breaking the rules but they’d been taken out) it was one specific page where at 34 weeks I’d been offered sterilisation (before I was unwell with a uti) and I’d said no that I’d have an iud. They’d recorded that and then lost that page ….. on the day I was so unwell and they kept pushing in the 3 hours before my cs and I was delirious I just said yes they didn’t even explain the type of sterilisation (took me 18 months to find out! They cut tied and cauterised ). I’m surprised it was fixable tbh But very grateful it was

I’m glad it’s helped a bit. I was lucky in knowing very finally that I had had my last child and I’ve never had a twinge otherwise, but I do know quite a few people who have deferred the decision on another child and ended up thinking they had quite enough on their plates with the ones they had!

@WhatIsNotWhatIf i'm glad you went on to have more children. Tbh I had no idea it was reversible! Hopefully if I manage to get sterilised I won't want to go back 🙈

@Desolatewardrobe I'm quite impulsive and currently awaiting an assessment for ADHD (had traits since being a child) I thrive in chaos but I know a trait can be craving novelty/new experiences and I'm really wondering whether that's what it is rather than wanting a whole other child. They're not babies for long and I think sometimes wanting another baby is a lovely idea but I must remember that's another toddler, child, teenager, adult etc. although I love my eldest child and sometimes look at the others and can't wait for them to be bigger. God I can't win!

Get a coil fitted OP.

It'll give you a few years to decide.

Not many people can afford that. If you can, well, do what you want, I suppose. I can't undertsand how people can afford to have so many, what with childcare costs, clothes, school stuff, food etc. I guess if you have money it's easy?

@RubyRoseVioletLillyJasmine I think that's my plan going forward, I want to not want another baby if that makes sense. Maybe once that's fitted I can put the idea to bed

@YouJustDoYou i was fortunate enough to only need a very small mortgage because of inheritance I was left which frees up our disposable income massively. That being said, I'm comfortable with young children and haven't had to deal with the financial burden teenagers bring and I fear the cost of living situation will get worse so this feeling may have to be something I just live with and not act on.