When you and your partner don't agree

[Laureatus]

I'm finding this tough, we have 2 kids, 4 and 18m, and I would really like a third. I'm the youngest of 6 children and I've always hoped I would have 4 children myself. DH is one of 2, and I've always presumed from comments that he doesn't want more but we haven't 'had the conversation yet' so part of me was hoping he'd be happy to have a third. I'd been avoiding raising it as I didn't want to hear his answer yet! At the weekend he told me he wants to stop at 2 but he said it when our youngest was screaming and I just literally couldn't have a conversation about it right then. I feel we need to talk about it properly, but I just don't know when/how to raise it and how to broach the fact whether if we left it a bit longer he might feel differently. Please don't come at me, I am NOT asking 'how to change his mind' etc, but I am upset at life just not turning out the way z I'd like it to in that respect. I'd never inflict a child on someone who didn't want one, or who wasn't ready - we've been together since we were 18, I 'waited' 12 years till he was ready to get married and then he didn't want to have children for a few years after that so I have put my own life goals second for many years now so we would be on the same page. I suppose I just want to ask if anyone found that their partner did change their mind (naturally as it were) and decide they wanted to have another child, or how you brought yourself to deal with that desire to have more children if you had to stop when you weren't ready. DH used a kind of presumptive tone as if to say 'it's be absolute madness to think of having a third, that's obvious' and while I don't want him to think I'm working to change his mind, I suppose I want the I feel 'heard' so he does know it's actually a big deal for me. Thanks and sorry to ramble!

All you can do is find a quiet time to have a calm conversation, however, I think you need to manage your expectations. The chances are probably fairly high that your husband doesn't want anymore children.

@Aquamarine1029 🤣 sorry if it wasn't clear, that's literally what my whole post is about. I'm curious if anyone's partner changed their mind, but really I'm asking for tips on how people reconciled themselves to not having anymore because their partner doesn't want to.

We were the other way around. I wanted to stop at 3. He wanted more. We spoke about it and I understood how much it meant to him. I compromised at 4. He would have liked more I think but also compromised.

The main thing that helps us is we are partners in the true sense of the word. He share the household, the childcare and we both earn similarly. So there is also no resentment that one has to carry any burden alone. I think that makes a difference.

I think the most pertinent part of your post is that you want to feel ‘heard’. I think that is far more important than anything else.

for me, my DP had gone from possibly wanting another to definitely not. It upset me a lot but like you I tried to bury the topic of conversation and avoided discussing it. I spent a long time trying to talk myself out of wanting another (which would also be our only child together), but all the logical reasons in the world didn’t help me and I cried every time my period arrived (even though I fully expected it to as we weren’t trying to conceive, it was just that it was a reminder that I definitely wouldn’t have another child). Ultimately though, this was worse as I became more and more unhappy and felt like there was a growing divide between me and my DP because he didn’t even know how I felt. He’d make throwaway comments that got my hopes up (like not wanting to throw out the baby gates incase we needed them) but in reality he was still against having another child.

finally I broke down and told him - he had no idea I had been feeling the way I had or why I wanted another child. I also had no idea why he felt so strongly that he didn’t want another child, but when he explained why I understood. I love him and knowing his reasons really helped me to see his perspective (FYI it was based on personal trauma he experienced around the time of his last child’s birth and the impact that had on him and his parenting skills).

Ultimately, having both said our piece I felt more content and we left it on the table as a possibility, though I still honestly believed it was an unlikely one. Being ‘heard’ by one another, though, made our relationship much stronger and that mattered most.

Then about 5 months later my DP was the one who said ‘shall we have a baby?’. I was stunned to be honest, as I hadn’t tried to persuade him.

I am now looking at our less than 2 week old baby, who we are both besotted with, as are all our other children. I don’t have a single doubt that we made the right decision because it was a mutual one.