Is it normal to feel this overwhelmed? 3 under 5

[Surprisepregnancy1]

My wonderful children are 4, just turned 2 and 4 months. I love them very much but am feeling quite overwhelmed and instead of the overwhelm improving as the newborn gets older, I’m having some quite bad days. My 2 year old is constantly getting into mischief and he and the 4 year old can be very rough and hit each other, with the 2 year old also biting! My husband works long hours and also manages to get out usually 2/3 evenings a week to enjoy various hobbies (which obviously I resent him for, considering how exhausted I feel!). I do all the night wakings as I’m BFing. My mum passed away suddenly when my middle child was a baby. My MIL helps sometimes but can get overwhelmed with the older two, and isn’t always in good health herself.

Is this normal? When am I going to start feeling a bit better? Or should I contact the GP? I suppose my worry is that I might be headed for postpartum depression or anxiety…

Hi, I have similar age gaps with my 3 and my youngest is now 4. It does get easier, you are in a tough stage right now. The thing that really stands out to me is your husband being out 2/3 evenings a week. Unless you also have the same amount of time for your hobbies, this is crazy when you're still adjusting to having 3 kids.

Talking to him about a fair balance of down time, and how much he is parenting/doing housework when not at work, is really crucial.

I used to never have a lie in until I spoke to a friend where she and her DP took turns at a weekend to stay in bed. Now my husband has a lie in till 9 on Sat and I get the same on Sunday. This made a big difference not just because of looking forward to the rest, but because it is fair and that feels good.

Some men don't realise how much their lives need to change when they have kids. If you can talk about it and he's willing to compromise and take on more, and give you time to rest and do things you enjoy, then it's all good. We don't have any family that can help. I'm really sorry you lost your mum. But I think looking to your husband rather than MIL is the way forward - they're his kids too, after all!

Once they're a bit bigger, the small age gaps make loads of things easier, they play together and it's brilliant, at least in my experience. So hang in there!

you really are in the thick of it.
can your MIL take one of the older two at times - they get 1:1 time with grandma and she may be more willing.
I would echo your DH being out so much will not be helping the situation at all

I used to never have a lie in until I spoke to a friend where she and her DP took turns at a weekend to stay in bed. Now my husband has a lie in till 9 on Sat and I get the same on Sunday. This made a big difference not just because of looking forward to the rest, but because it is fair and that feels good.

^ I have a lie in 5/7 days because it's not actually a lie in when you're up breastfeeding two kids throughout the night. It's catching up on sleep debt!

You could work towards equal free time. That doesn't mean you have to leave your baby. But that maybe husband in on duty in between feeds sometimes during "your time".

This point about sleep debt is totally valid. Ideally her DH would be coming home from work and taking the kids so she can have a break, making dinner and doing housework, and making sure she gets all the chances possible to catch up on sleep if she's doing all the night wakings. But it sounds like he's only actually home 4/5 nights a week, so a starting point would be to try and balance time they both have to themselves, and the OP getting some rest. I can't believe there are days when he's out at work all day and then goes out to do hobbies afterwards, if she is awake through the nights and looking after them all day and evening too. I'd be livid! But you have to start somewhere with making it fairer.

My husband works long hours and also manages to get out usually 2/3 evenings a week to enjoy various hobbies

This is absolute bullshit. His fucking hobbies will have to carry on without him for a while because he needs to be home with you, taking care of his children. Op, stop being a doormat and put your foot down, hard. He is taking the biggest piss the world has ever seen. He works long hours? The poor dear. Please. Give me a break.

No wonder you're knackered. You're up bf'ing every night - your husband should have the kids first thing in the morning before work and on the weekend mornings so you can catch up on sleep. Hobbies 2-3 nights a week when you have such young kids is ridiculous. He needs to pull his weight.

I have three with the same age gap and I honestly couldn't do it if my husband wasn't an equal partner in all this.

I do all the night wakings as I’m BFing.

Mine were exactly the same age as yours. I found having 3 really, really tough.

My baby never wanted to sleep / lie flat - or even be in a sling - when the older 2 were around. So afternoons / evenings were crazy, with him wanting to be in the thick of it with the other 2.

If you're waking up at night, your DH needs to get home for dinner / bath / bed. He helps with this, and you get to bed early so you at least catch up on sleep.

The long hours & hobbies are nonsense - he's simply avoiding the pressures of home life, very common.

From your title, I was going to say that it is just how it is with 3 small dc - you grit your teeth and get through it for much of the time.
However when we had 3 little ones, we shared night wakings, and we both had one night a week where we left the house to do something.
The issue you have here is that you are breastfeeding, so doing all the nights, so are constantly sleep deprived. Add in to that the fact you don't get evening off from your job or weekends off etc even though your dh does, and you don't get to just go out without the dc and relax on a regular basis.

Sleep deprivation is a killer. Maybe consider introducing a bottle at 11pm or midnight so your little one will sleep through for longer and you will get a decent block of sleep ? (I realise this will horrify some, but for many of us, sleep deprivation is a killer).

Monotony is really hard too - the 'not being able to say "only 1 more day until the weekend"' or "just 4 weeks until I have a holiday" or "2 hours until I can clock off". You need to get your dh to understand that, and look at how he needs to remember he is now the parent of 3 tiny little people who need support for all their waking hours, and that he isn't free to go out several times a week at the moment.

And I'm very sorry about your mum. That will really make everything harder, as you don't even have her to chat to when things are very tough. ❤️

The point is three under fives sounds like very very hard work. I don't see why anybody would actively choose this situation. I wouldnt have coped either. But it is what it is and you will just have to do your best till things get a bit easier. And make sure you have foolproof contraception in place.

My two are going on two and four and it wouldn’t enter either mine or DH’s head to be out 2-3 nights a week. That’s insane. Why’s he had three kids in four years if he wants to go out three times a week? Why’s he even had one kid if that’s the case?

DH out 2-3 nights a week is ridiculous

Does he want to be a father or not?

He should be out one night and you get one night too

You don't see why anyone would have actively chosen this situation??

I mean, looking at OP's UN, perhaps she didn't.

But I did. Plenty of women do. Why does that surprise you?

I don’t think it would be unreasonable to suggest no one has a weekly night out in these circumstances, tbh. Three under fours is going to be hard, hard work. That sounds likely to mean that twice every week the kids would be left being parented by an adult who’s probably going to be finding them pretty hard work to deal with solo, and being hard work isn’t nice for kids. An occasional evening out is fine but I think it’s pretty reasonable that the default evening arrangement should be that both parents work together to look after them.

Thanks for replying everyone. The standouts to me were the lie ins. He was letting me sleep in initially but that has died away. Whoever said I should be looking to him and not my MIL you are spot on too. Yes no. 3 was a surprise but I had a terrible pregnancy so it’s wonderful he is here and well, and I love him all the more fiercely because of that! I don’t think anyone means to be a doormat - I think I’ve just lost perspective in a haze of baby sick and sleep deprivation. It’s almost like I don’t even know what I need? Does that make sense? My mum was so supportive when the other two were tiny, so I’m floundering this time…

Also the foolproof contraception @Viviennemary - no worries there. Triple lock this time 🤣

The loss of perspective totally makes sense. I think it's also easy for your husband to lose perspective on what's reasonable in these circumstances. I'm not making excuses if this carries on long term. But if he's at work, surrounded by other people who don't all have 3 little kids, and who do get time for hobbies and everything, then he can still have the same expectations as them without really seeing how unfair this is. We had to work so hard as a couple to see things from the other person's point of view, and a lot of the time we totally failed!

If you can get him to hear what it's like for you atm, especially without your mum, and explain it calmly rather than just getting angry with him for not being the one to see this, hopefully he'll respond to this and change what he's doing.

I know some people may say it's just not good enough but unless you're unhappy otherwise, I think these are the kind of things you try to work through together.

If he steps up and is pulling his weight and letting you rest, but you find you're still feeling really bad, do go to the GP. I really hope things get better and you feel more okay very soon.

Op you have the harder job.
omg - I thought your husband was at work in the evening! Absolutely no way he should be going out 3 nights for hobbies. No way. Let him pick one night or he can get them all to bed and then go out (whilst you watch tv and chill out)
does the big 2 go to nursery? Even if it’s for 3 hrs or something at least you could relax with the baby.
if you can buy in help - cleaner / helper even to do the bathrooms fold the washing.
You need time out for yourself - do you have a hobby? Or make a hobby - join a club and make sure you husband is back that night to b sit.
Do you have a close best buddy? That what probably stopped me going crazy. We would alternate a few times in the week different houses to eat / hang out together in the park.
Get a routine going for everyone - a toddler group, lunch, pm sleep for little ones, play, bath, bed - that saved me too.
Or a walk to the park /cycle - I used to make them enjoy playing outside and using their energy 👍
Sorry about your mum and your grieving and sorry but your husband is taking the piss slightly. He’s a daddy now to 3 he has to help more …. (Tell him what u need - some men are truly clueless and don’t get it until they are told what to do)

Yes it’s really hard - I had 4 under 4 - I felt like a zombie for years (and still do 😂) but they are so cute little people.

Good luck

Breastfeeding isn't the issue. Pumping is extra work. The issue is her husband needs to step up.

Don't rise to this @EarringsandLipstick . Honestly this poster must lack tact in such a big way!