Broody again...should I ignore my feelings or do we need to reverse vasectomy?

[Itsbeenabadday]

We have three beautiful, healthy, brilliant children. Aged between 8 and 2.5. My husband got a vasectomy just after our last child was born. We both agreed it was probably for the best amidst the sleepless nights and hard early baby stage. However, recently I have started getting that unbearable broody feeling again, it just makes me want to cry. The thought that at 37 this might be my last chance to have another baby is soul destroying. I haven't spoken to my husband about it yet as I know his initial reaction will be no and also he'd have to get his vasectomy reversed. I just feel like you only live once! I work with children every day and that isn't satisfying this biological craving for another child. I have looked into the possibility of adopting once my youngest is about 7 but I feel like this could potentially be a lot harder on my children due to high needs of children from care. I'm slowly realising that another baby is what I want. Financiallly we're alright, comfortable. We get a lot of pressure from my husband's parents to have more kids. No nieces or nephews to project my motherly needs onto. I just want a house full of love and noise. I mean it's already chaotic and noisy so what's the harm right? Experiences or opinions welcome! X

3 kids is plenty.

Are you very wealthy?

Hi OP, I understand where you're coming from. I have 3 DC and when they were younger I went through a very broody period and was desperate for a 4th, but DH wasn't keen so we stopped at 3. They're all teens now and I am very thankful we made that decision - three teens is plenty tbh! The broodiness went away completely after a year or so.

I think most of my friends had that feeling late 30's early forties including me. I agree that it's hormones and also knowing you are running out of time. Some did and some didn't (I resisted)
I'm so glad I didn't, my children are grown, I have more time and money for me and them, the urge has definitely gone and you do get a bit sick of parenting as you head towards menopause.
The friends that did, now have a much younger one at home needing support/homework/school input/childcare and I am not envious in the slightest. There would be nice things about having another but you've got to look at the big picture.

I grew up as one of four and I never felt my parents didn’t give me the attention I needed or wanted. We didn’t have loads of money, I had to share bedrooms for a bit, none of it was an issue. We had a lovely family life and I’ve always felt very loved and supported. My husband is also one of five. As an adult, I love my life with all these siblings. Family gatherings are huge (in a chaotic noisy way) and my DC have loads of cousins. Big families are awesome. I have three kids and wouldn’t have any more for a myriad of personal reasons, but I think if something is telling you to have more, you need to really explore that. Having said that, it strikes me as odd that your husband got a vasectomy previously. Are you just relaxed casual people about these sorts of things, or do you jump into decisions with both feet too quickly?

As in all things, just because you "want" something doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. Practicalities have to take priority over emotion.

this could potentially be a lot harder on my children due to high needs of children from care

And your hypothetical fourth child could be severely mentally and/or physically disabled and have a huge impact on your existing children's quality of life.

It's not another child you want by the sounds of things, it's a baby, and they don't stay babies for long. What then?

It can feel like grief when your child bearing years draw to a close, maybe a mix of hormonal and emotional factors. I do sympathise, but think you have to be realistic…it’s just something we have to go through at some point and you’d be just delaying the inevitable. Even if you successfully manage to have another baby, which is far from guaranteed.

Sorry pressed send too soon.

Think seriously also about the impact on your existing children, relationship and finances if the baby is disabled or you sustain a serious pregnancy related complication.

Hello, thanks for your thoughts. I think at the time the sleepless nights were really getting to us and we had a newborn baby and 2 chn to look after at home during the pandemic which was tough. I think my husband gets fed up of being pushed to have a more chn by his parents and wanted to get some control over the situation. I think he would have liked more chn but it troubles him that he might be doing it for the sake of appeasing his family. This is a cultural thing, his dad often refers to our youngest as the 'big brother' as though of course we will have another. We do tend to jump into things quite quickly and both understand that people and circumstances change over time. We spent a year deliberating over having a third and went for it. X

I think my husband gets fed up of being pushed to have a more chn by his parents and wanted to get some control over the situation
Why do they do this? And why do you pay them any heed? 😵‍💫

I think this is probably an age thing as my Mum also wanted to try for another baby in her late thirties and my Dad didn't want to reverse his vasectomy. They decided not to in the end and everyone agreed it was for the best. My sister and I are so glad we had the full concentration of our Mum during the tricky teenage years. We may have pushed her away at times but I know we would have felt abandoned if she was running after a small child all the time. My parents were also able to enjoy being empty nesters far earlier.

I doubt you will regret another child because you will love them but it's probably a lot of hassle to go through because of a few years of broodiness before the perimenopause!

I'm going to go against the grain here and tell you that if you feel strongly about it you should speak to your husband about having a last go at it.
Most people here in the UK see families with more than two kids as freak shows or something, most people get super judgey about it. No idea why as we are in the midst of a population decline crisis that's going to bite us in the arse in less than 20 years, but whatever.
Have as many kids as you want as long as you can afford them. If I had the money for a bigger house and expenses I'd definitely have a couple more.

I felt a strong urge to have a fourth in my late thirties/early forties. I'm sure it is hormonal and sentimentality about baby days ending.
I am so pleased I resisted. Another baby would have meant I was less available in the life of my DC as they became teens and older. It is so much easier, and fun, when you are around to do more grown up things with them.

Could it just be the heartache of your youngest growing out of the “baby phase”?
I also have 3 DCs (aged 8, 6 and 3) and I found myself feeling super broody (albeit husband-less by that point 🤷🏻‍♀️😂) during my youngest’s second year. I’ve also always found her birthdays slightly bittersweet because I know she’s my last baby and the thought of her growing up and not being a baby anymore breaks my heart a little bit 🥺

I think late 30s is a classic time to feel really broody, I know I did as did a few of my friends.

Now I'm in my 40s I'm so glad I didn't have another baby!!

Focus on your three children, the feelings will pass imo.

The biological pull may be strong. Through history a lot of people died, many as infants so having lots of children made sense for nature to keep the species going. Can you manage it financially and practically?

Thanks for all this input, it's so helpful to think about all angles. I hadn't considered the possibility of a disabled child or about complications like miscarriages (which I've experienced previously and found hard to deal with). We are able to afford another baby so that isn't really an big issue.

So what happens if the vasectomy is reversed. Its successful and you have another. Then at 42 you feel exactly the same as you do now? Or at 47? Or at 52?

How do you know you won't be feeling exactly the same regardless of how many you have? Desperate to have another?

Having a 4th doesn't mean these feelings will go away.

Yes this is something that worried me, however I can't imagine I remain fertile much past 40. I don't know how to cope with feeling like this forever and ever. It's horrible.

I was very broody up to 40, never had any DC tho but now I'm menopausal, I'm entirely happy as it's hard enough to deal with stuff without being run off my feet.

Let it pass, you can't have everything you want in life.

In response to some others,. Yes my son is now coming out of the baby phase so he sleeps well, he's almost ready for potty training and he's very happy to go off to nursery. I don't feel like I'm sad about him no longer a baby, more like wow I really feel like for the first time in a while I could have another baby. I actually don't love the baby phase either, I love it when they are blooming into their own little people with their individual personalities. The baby phase for me is just the bit where they are very physically dependent on you. They are cute of course but I'm fully aware of how challenging the early baby days are....I haven't forgotten lol. A ready made 5 yo would be ideal but that's not how it works obviously...baby phase is (thankfully) just a very short phase x

There’s a lot of anti-big family posted on this thread which seems inappropriate given op posted in larger families. I honestly can’t imagine not telling my husband in your situation @Itsbeenabadday if he felt the same I’d try to have another child. If he didn’t want that I’d be a bit sad but move on.

You both must have felt pretty strongly that you didn't want more children to have gone through with a vasectomy which makes me think you need to ride out the feeling. But ultimately it's a conversation with your dh that's needed if you really think you've changed your mind.

As others have said, reversal is not a given and you'd have to have it done privately.

It's a cultural thing. I don't actually speak the language so it's by-the-by for me but I think it's quite grating for my husband to hear constantly. His dad in particular is very controlling so even though my OH has always made his own life choices etc. he wishes to remain on good terms with his family and doesn't wish to just tell him where to go.

I didn't think I would feel like this again to be honest. It has been a slow realisation but here I am again wondering.