Constant demand to stay over and visit

[Boniodog22]

Does anyone have particularly pushy in laws that want to come and visit/stay?!
We live 45 mins away from them in Manchester and it’s so much easier with a new baby to visit them in the city then them always coming to us….

They say our home is their holiday home and they like to have a break…..only thing is it’s really pressurising as I’m left sorting the house - we are messy and have animals etc - so clearing up usually takes a few days to feel it’s presentable….

Even when I first came out of hospital after having our baby my MIL was insistent on coming to visit and staying the night….it was really uncomfortable and she was like a dog with a bone suggesting she could sleep on the sofa or even the floor….

I really hate it - it’s a constant battle and can result in us cancelling our own plans just to visit them to keep them from racing down and turning up unannounced.

My SIL even insisted on us cancelling attending my friends wedding at one point just to race over and take her Mum out for the day or visit because she was feeling low and wanted to see our daughter….I refused….

Recent suggestion is she attends a meal with us which I’ve organised for my family - we are a small family and this is something I’d organised months ago due to my family living across the country and not seeing them often….she would travel with us - I was furious and said no!

I often feel my MIL wants to live a life with us - often wanting to come to events we attend or just being with us …..I find it immensely uncomfortable and she nags my husband about moving closer which then creates arguments…..it’s oppressive

My husband doesn’t get it and just wants to please his Mum….she doesn’t stop pestering until she gets her own way….usually resulting in her coming to stay for a weekend and me hosting all weekend….

Stop cleaning up and making an effort, if your DH wants her to come he can do all the hosting, I'd just carry on as usual and do what I'd do if she wasn't there.

Or move closer to your family?

She's says your house is her holiday home??? Cheeky fucker. Presumably that makes you staff?

Keep saying no.

Stop doing anything for her, it’s up to your DH to do it.

Then it will stop being so fun for him.

Were his paternal grandparents alive when his parents got married. (I.e. her own mother in law). How often did dh spend with those grandparents at their house?

Just. Say. No.

She sounds insufferable! Calling your home 'her holiday home and she likes to have a break'? Fuck that! YANBU @Boniodog22 to keep pushing back. I'd put a stop to all this staying over right now. They're only live 45 mins away? They never need to stay over IMO.

Exactly. Some people commute double that, both ways daily. 45 mins is a sneeze.

Thanks everyone for the support and guidance….
it hasn’t been an easy journey as when we lived more local they would let themselves into our home, rearrange furniture and nose through things, put my washing away including my underwear which resulted in jokes being made at my in laws family events are was very embarrassing and borrowing my clothes without my knowledge only to find out at a birthday get together when I recognised a dress my SIL was wearing……

The distance works well but they will insist on coming to stay as a rest/retreat but as said above I tend to be the host and comments are often made about our lifestyle and our animals - a dog I adore stating it’s a bit much and is it the right decision which creates rows and my husband second guessing our situation.

I think the best thing would be to move further away although my MIL would want to then come and stay a week and never leave!!

Let them come.. No law says you have to be home. My ils came every frigging Monday. If dh made plans with them I just went out and took dc with me.

We live 45 mins from inlaws and have never stayed over nor have they with us. There’s no need. 45 mins is nothing.
TBH I’d just go out. Make plans with friends. Go to the gym. Leave DH to entertain. Hopefully he will then decide it’s not a good idea them coming as often

Do your own thing. Go out, do not change your plans, say no more often.
Do set in place a time that is very suitable each month for MIL to visit. Invite her for a meal and to stay over. Plan something that doesn't invlove her for after lunch the folowing day and insist her visit is over.
Also routinely visit her on a certain day.
It's good that she knows and loves the child well but you need to continue to lead your own life.

You sound like you are half way there by daying no a lot to her. Brilliant.
You need to continue along these lines and agree only to what suits you.
Also don't bother with ANY tidying up... take us as we are.... and be out if they arrive unannounced or oh sorry just off to Timbucktoo to plant a tree see you in a month type thing. Don't be browbeaten by a bored nosey MIL.
Maybe leave something shocking out on purpose like a dear Deirdree MIL problem...
You've got this.
Good luck

Say no when you want to.
Set up a sustainable arrangement.
Maybe never more than one night sleep over once per six weeks maximum and do not tidy recklessly..
You visit them every six weeks too.
Be very busy other than that.

Talk to MIL about the fact that you want them to know the children, you want to see them but you want the visits to be what you can all plan your lives around and what is long term sustainable and leaves little chance of people becoming sick of each other. You and DH can only abide being respectfully given adequate notice of a visit (three days? not three hours? or something) You want the relationship to stay positive with privacy and space.