Third child - so confused

[AKM89]

Hi everyone

I’m not quite sure if this is the correct place to post this and I’m conscious that this topic has been done to death, but I don’t feel like I have anyone to speak to this about in real life…

I have two beautiful boys (one who is almost two and one who is two months). During my second pregnancy and since my second son was born I have hoped to have a third. However, it’s looking increasingly like that won’t happen for several reasons.

First, I have dreadful pregnancies. I get crippling anxiety / depression which I found very difficult to deal with whilst being an effective parent to my eldest. I also have a very rare medical condition which means early in the second trimester for a number of weeks I have to be catheterised as my uterus briefly traps my bladder. In my second pregnancy this actually resulted in temporary bladder prolapse which I found both physically and mentally difficult to deal with.

Second, I now feel like I am struggling with just two. My first was a dreadful sleeper and we have literally only just managed to address that. My second has been incredibly colicky (and still is). I don’t personally find this difficult, but my husband has really struggled (he is generally very supportive but has found the crying very trying this time around).

For these reasons my husband is now reluctant to have a third baby, but I think could be persuaded. I love the idea of a slightly bigger family - I was one of two and found it a bit intense. However, I am increasingly finding it difficult to balance the needs of two little people without throwing a third into the mix. I am a real Type A and feel like adding a third would result in a total loss of control. My husband and I work full time in demanding city jobs and would continue to do so after the arrival of a third. I also don’t relish being pregnant again due to the difficulties I’ve outlined above. As a result, I am reluctant to push my husband to have a third. However, it’s making me feel like a total failure and like I am not strong enough to build the family I was imagining. I know I am so lucky in what I do have, but am also feeling sad. I suppose I wanted to know if anyone else felt like this and did decide to go ahead and have a third. If so, how did it turn out? Is there any chance that the idea will seem more manageable once I get past the colicky newborn days?

Sorry for the long post and thanks in advance.

Hi OP, lots of things jump out to me. I'm wondering if you have this idea that you need to get to X/do Y in the future in order to be happy. Your baby is just a couple of months old so you're agonising over something that isn't even relevant yet. You don't need to make any decisions right now. You certainly don't need to start your campaign for your husband to be persuaded already.

I think your desire to achieve some imagined future (where you'll finally be happy) is robbing you of happiness in the present. Or maybe you have never been able to be happy with yourself so keep seeking externalised sources? Have you ever had therapy?

Take your time. Way too early to agonise about a third. Try and accept the unknown part of your future.

Hi all - thanks so much for your input. I think you’re right about there being an element of arrivalism. I think there’s also such a lack of control in the newborn days this is giving me something I feel I can focus on (in my defence there are some issues that means it also makes sense to think about it now, such as age and I am about to make a very big career decision). However, I am going to take your advice and try and sit comfortably in the not knowing and just enjoy this time with my boys. And yes I’ve had therapy in the past for quite a while - I didn’t find it that useful but would consider returning.

Thanks again!

There's nothing wrong with just having two. It sounds like you have good reasons.

You say you feel a failure for not having the family you imagined. But try to reframe it - real life means that it might be for the best to stick at 2 - that's not failure. It's what is best for you all.

I agree with @SquishyGloopyBum about re-framing it. You saw 3 DC as something to aim for, and feel like a failure because you haven't achieved that. But could you change your aim to "the right number of children for our family", and work towards a feeling of pride and happiness that you have successfully achieved that?

It sounds like having 3 is just another facet to being competitive. It comes across as just a tick box thing to do because you can. More money, more children, “more” generally.

One of the difficulties with being in the environment you are, in is that there is no ethos for being able to do something and still choosing not to.

Honestly, it doesn’t sound like you actually want three kids, rather you are avoiding some perceived horror that being average (having an average number of children) is being a failure.

… meant to also say. Who the hell would want to be the third child in That scenario.

@GuevarasBeret that’s an extreme supposition, and a pretty brutal character assassination - I don’t at all see my children as commodities, as you appear to imply. And for what it’s worth, the career change I mentioned would involve earning significantly LESS money so that I could spend more time with my kids. I also don’t equate the number of children one has with success, which is a pretty weird concept, and largely dictated by biology more than anything else.

My motivations for having a third are actually largely related to my own children’s future. I lost my mum when I was very young, my father was emotionally (and often physically) absent and I didn’t have a great relationship with my single sibling. I found being one of two very intense and in families of 3 I’ve seen this doesn’t seem to be the case as much. I may be wrong, of course, as so much depends upon personalities.

For those of you who have provided helpful responses, thank you. @SquishyGloopyBum and @HowManySunflowers I like the idea of reframing. I already feel so much guilt having to split my time in two, so I think I would be a mentally more resilient mother if I can see myself as doing what’s best for my boys rather than soldiering on with my idea of what my family would look like, at the expense of everyone else.

@AKM89
sorry for the feelings you are having.
I have 3 older step kids and recently a baby of our own. I had hoped to have two little ones, but it didn’t happen as quickly or easily as we would have liked and given our age and other factors we have accepted we will have just this one baby. Lately I have thought about how my LO won’t have a play mate their age etc etc but I have been working on focusing on other things and finding positives I hadn’t noticed before. Like the big gap with the older kids means no falling out, competition etc.
infelt like a failure when i thought o couldn’t have a baby, and now we have a miracle baby I have felt like a failure that I can’t provide another sibling of a similar age.
so now I work on accepting that this is our situation and why it is good for us and baby (like I will be Able to provide more attention and more financially etc etc).
this is our family and this is what was meant for us.
I tend to focus a lot on things like next birthday, what they will need for nursery. When Lonos sleeping I I like to research best puddlesuits, meal ideas etc etc. Gives me day to day things to focus on and enjoy some little things.
don’t know if I’ve explained things well enough.

I am an over thinker and it can be exhausting. but I hope you can find peace with whichever path you are on.

you obviously care a great deal about your children and are a great mum :)

Sorry to hear about the loss of your mum at a young age @AKM89 I think you're right that this is relevant to how you're feeling now. But remember you don't need to create that sibling support for your own DC because they have a present, loving mother.

@Stephhh87 congratulations on your baby. That’s such a good perspective - you’re right, sometimes we focus so much on the big picture we lose sight of life’s little joys.

@HowManySunflowers thank you so much.

My husband is one of 5 and I have to say that seems pretty intense to me!! I think there are so many benefits to having 2. Obviously life's just easier - the world seems geared up to cater for families of 4. The most important thing is you can really give each child a lot of attention. I briefly considered having 3 but am so glad I didn't. I love the fact I get a lot of quality time with the children, both together and individually. I don't think adding another child to the family is really for their benefit.

Hi OP, that sounds like a very debilitating medical condition that happens in your second trimester. Regardless of the bigger picture, would you really be ok going through that a third time with two little ones in tow? Also anxiety/depression is not to be played down when it happens in pregnancy. It sounds like you do suffer during pregnancy, I know the feeling as I’ve had various issues with both pregnancies and even though I’ve never wanted a third child, even if I did I just couldn’t put myself through 9 months of that again.

You are not wrong to want 3 kids. I’ve got a few friends who are still grappling with whether to go for a third. It’s a really tricky one. If you are able to give it another year or two to see how things play out I’d really recommend that.

@SallyWD and @MummyJ36 these are actually the main reasons holding me back. I do think I’d feel better knowing I could give plenty of quality time to both children. Plus the thought of being pregnant again scares me quite a bit. The bladder issues were difficult to deal with with one toddler in tow, never mind any more kids. On top of that, I know I wouldn’t be my best self for nine months. I suppose that’s what I mean when I say I feel like a failure - I’d convinced myself that a larger family was best for us and that it is considerations relating to myself that would prevent that. Others’ views here though have definitely provoked me to think about things in a different light - plus @MummyJ36 as you say there’s no immediate rush. I think I just need to learn to sit with uncertainty.

If u r struggling with 2, 3 will make it worse.

I think you need to remove all pressure. As you said, you convinced yourself that 3 children was better for your family and now you're feeling guilty that it might not happen (because of your own issues). Sorry, but there's no reason why this is the best thing for your family. As long as your two children are loved and cared for they will thrive. This mythical sibling really isn't essential for their happiness. It will take your attention away from them for a start. What if the third child has a disability or something and completely changes the dynamic of family life. You need to change your mindset to see that 2 child families can be very happy. If a third comes in the future, so be it, but there's absolutely no reason to think a third child is NEEDED for the good of the family.