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Feeling like I'm failing at motherhood

5 replies

ViMa1820 · 26/03/2023 22:36

Hiya,

So I'm 36.5 weeks pregnant with my third child.
I have two beautiful daughters, 4yrs and 2yrs. They are everything to me.
18months ago I lost my mum- my rock, my best friend, my support and soulmate.
I've always been so strong, with my mental health and emotions but these last few weeks (since I was about 30 weeks) I just feel so shit. I wake up everyday feeling like I can't cope, some days are worse and I have some really dark thoughts. Some days I feel more positive but by the end of the afternoon just want to collapse and cry.
I miss my mum so much, and feel terrible that I'm failing at being one myself. I get up and go out with my babies, and we do lots of fun stuff but my energy levels are so low that as soon as their moods turn (they start arguing, or get upset over something little as young children do) instead of gentle parent which I've always been so good at, I just give up.

I'm so tired of these hormones and I'm spending most of the pregnancy worrying if I'll be ok afterwards. I'm scared 3 will be out of my control, I'm scared my two girls will resent me, I'm scared about my mental health, and I'm scared of messing things up for them. I love them so much, I just want them to be happy. And they are, I know they are but mum guilt is just killing me. My husband is great but just being the opposite sex - he doesn't understand.
Grief, stress, hormones....

Any mums out there with three little ones that can reassure me?
I also keep getting told that the middle child always suffers and that is just making me feel so much worse because I couldn't imagine anything worse! I don't want her to feel it. We always wanted a big family but when my mum died I felt it even more important to build our own gang so that no one ever felt alone the way I do...

Anyone that has any kind words will be greatly received ❤️

OP posts:
TheMagicDeckchair · 27/03/2023 12:16

You’ve been through so much. I’m so sorry about the loss of your mum.

I have a 5 year old and twins who are almost 2, and it is exhausting and tempers get frayed, especially when you’re not sleeping well. Add in pregnancy hormones and worrying about how you’ll manage and it’s a lot to take on! I had huge anxiety about coping when pregnant with the twins and it just lifted after I gave birth. I felt so much better. Hopefully it will be the same for you, and you’ll have another little person to love.

In terms of managing 3 it can be a bit of a struggle when they’re little as they’re still so needy. But we’re starting to get to a stage now where the twins are getting a bit more independent and there’s been moments where they play together nicely and it’s really fun.

I can’t really help with the middle child question but I had plenty of people judging and making assumptions about having twins (people who don’t have them!) you will know your family best and find ways to make sure they all feel equally valued.

CognitiveBehaviouralHypnotherapy · 27/03/2023 23:08

Firstly, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum OP. sending big hugs Flowers

Take solace that you've started a little tribe. You sound like a dedicated and loving parent and that inevitably translates into a close knit family.

You're not failing OP. Could it be the exhaustion speaking?

I get that you're scared (we have 3 too with 2 year gaps, they're teens now) it was - and still is - emotionally, mentally (and when they're small also physically!) full on. Can you give yourself credit for that? I always had that mum guilt too so I get what you're saying, still have it! Because it feels never enough there's always so much more to give. So consistently giving an honest 80% is already an amazing job IMO.

Make sure the older ones are ok, sort them out first of they're all set off at the same time. Managing 3 kids' relationships is demanding but can be done. Each one will continue to need attention, love, time...that's the deal.

"I wake up everyday feeling like I can't cope, some days are worse and I have some really dark thoughts. Some days I feel more positive but by the end of the afternoon just want to collapse and cry."

I remember those dark moods too.

With hindsight I'd suggest a mid-afternoon break for when you anticipate you might collapse, put the box on for the kids and have a quiet cup of tea by yourself. Notice when your energy levels are about to dip and have a snack or a 2-minute power nap. You can control your energy levels, it's just toughest when pregnant but will get better.

Basically, be kind to yourself, lower your standards, give yourself some grace, cut yourself some slack, the lot. Sometimes it's chips, peas, cheese for tea, next day noodles and an egg. Go easy on housework and get your DH involved 100%.

Make it easy for yourself on those tough days (and especially now that pregnancy is taking its toll. On that note 3 pregnancies so close together is so tough on mind and body, we have the same gaps and in the moment it sounds normal but looking back it's madness tbh!

You have some valid and very normal worries, and I suggest you tackle each of them one by one

  • worrying if I'll be ok afterwards [what do you think?]
  • I'm scared 3 will be out of my control [in what way?]
  • I'm scared my two girls will resent me [what makes you say that?]
  • I'm scared about my mental health [speak to a professional, for example your midwife, GP. I'd address this as a matter of importance]
  • I'd also speak to someone to be able to process your grief
  • Take time to grieve, journal, share with friends or on here
  • and I'm scared of messing things up for them. [in what way?]

This way you can take the power out of these worries, you can handle them.

Regarding middle child... yeah. Our middle child is a diva and emotionally the most intense, needing a lot of validation and attention, at least that is the story I'm telling myself. But our middle child is also entertaining, resilient and has excellent social skills.

You are not alone. Literally millions of women have been where you are before, including myself.

You got this OP

ViMa1820 · 28/03/2023 23:11

Oh my, what amazingly kind responses. I am so so grateful ❤️❤️ thank you 🥹

I take every bit of advice in, and will be referring back anytime I'm feeling vulnerable or low on positive energy. It's just so nice to be heard and understood- and told that's it's ok.

I know I have the strength to cope and I know that the love we all have in our house will carry us all through the tough times but when I feel myself slipping into the dark hole of grief and self pity, my god it's hard to think positively.

Hearing from mums of three that have been through it, (and survived!) helps me to see there IS light at the end of the tunnel (the tunnel being pregnancy and hormones) and I'm clinging onto that.

Honestly thank you so so much ❤️❤️❤️

OP posts:
Montgolfiergray34 · 28/03/2023 23:55

Op you are being very hard on yourself; you have two small dc, you are heavily pregnant and grieving. Anyone would be struggling in those circumstances 💐

I can’t advise about having 3 dc but look up “depression in pregnancy” on the NHS website. Most people have heard of postnatal depression but antenatal depression is a thing too and causes all the things you have described in your op:
low mood, sadness, irritability, negative thoughts, hopelessness, feeling guilty, self blaming etc.

You may “just” be going through ordinary grief (obviously there is no “just” about it) but the reason it would be a good idea to see your gp, or midwife, to check out antenatal depression, is that it can progress to become postnatal depression if left untreated.

In summary, please get some outside support, and perhaps some temporary paid help from a baby~sitter or cleaner to tide you over the last weeks of your pregnancy and the first months of your new baby if you can afford it. Take care and a good idea from pp about having a regular rest period built in to the afternoon.

Please don’t struggle on alone, we all need help at some point in our lives, and this very testing period of time is when you need it!

CognitiveBehaviouralHypnotherapy · 29/03/2023 22:51

And I agree with the pp. Tell your midwife/ GP that you've been feeling low.

There's so much support and help for you to get through this challenging time.

Sending you best of luck for the last few weeks of your pregnancy OP, keep us posted!

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