To have a 3rd child (I know it's been done to death)

[HappyValleyFan1]

Just this really, me and DH have scheduled in a date night and chat tonight.

Did you just take the plunge and do it or did you weigh everything up and decide on the pros and cons which suited your family best?

Currently have 2 DCs; 5 and 10 months. I am 32 and we struggled to have DC2 due to a long road of infertility coupled with multiple miscarriages.

We have a big enough house, car, it's short term pain (sleep deprivation wise) in the grand scheme of things. DC2 is a crap sleeper so I'm not naive to that. Financially it would be tight with childcare as we have the youngest in nursery 3 days and wraparound the other 3 days for DC1 in school. Very very little family support

I know 32 is no age but I suppose everyone's clock is ticking. I have a middle management position and I know I this will again hinder my career prospects temporarily as I'm under no illusion something will have to give with a 3rd and I'll have to reduce from full to part time. We're lucky enough to both work for organisations which are pretty flexible.

Also aware the mental load with any amount of children is unreal. Body image bothers me as I'm just getting back into PP shape but that's just something to suck up I suppose.

I think the biggest fear for me is the amount of strain it puts on your marriage. We have a fantastic relationship, both do our fair share to make it work and he is a fantastic father to our children but obviously strain does naturally happen as you have to momentarily pause your relationship with young children. The first couple of years are especially hard.

For me, I can't see it's something we'll regret. Just bloody hard work...

I'm not asking what I should do. It's all very family dependent but interested in others thought process to come to the conclusion they did.

Anyone?

I’ll respond. I can’t answer the question about the thought process to have a third though, because 2&3 are twins so the decision was taken out of my hands.

But reading your post, what do you actually see a third bringing to your family? You have listed valid concerns but what has driven this question about another child? Eg do you feel there’s someone missing, do you want another child to love, did you always think you’d have more than two children etc. Do you see 3 young adults in your family when you grow old? Do you want a larger family?

I didn’t plan to have more than 1 or 2 children but I adore my 3 and I wouldn’t change anything now obviously. DH and I were terrified at the prospect of having 3 but have muddled through, and now the twins are nearly 2 they’re getting more joyful all the time. It’s exhausting of course but perhaps we’d feel that way with just 2 children.

OP, I think you are me. Although your concerns I think are more serious issues from my perspective, in that I’m not sure they are cancelled out by the joy of another little one. DH and I had another chat about this tonight ourselves, and no closer to a decision. Hence finding myself on this board again!

So, for me, I just knew that I wasn’t ‘done’ - that said now we have three, I would love a fourth so who knows where it ends!! It is full on - no question about it - and it only works for us because we really split everything 50/50. It’s pretty close to blissful when things are running smoothly, but you are always only one child getting sick for the day away from total chaos! I wouldn’t change it for the world though

I had a 3rd at 35.
Love having a 3rd
Got the opposite sex which was nice, but would have loved 3 the same too.

It put time for myself back another 5 years it felt. Pre school age is just so time consuming.
Work I dropped to 3 days, then up to 4.5 days again when DC3 was 3. That felt too much to juggle so I settled at 4 days.
It’s more expensive, you can hand some things down but school shoes and eating out and haircuts…it’s just more money!
Two of mine had to share a room for a while which made me feel guilty. They get on so well though, so I sometimes think it might have helped their bond.

I didn’t feel ‘done’ though. I hoped I might. I felt ‘done’ once I hit 40 as that was my mental cut off. I’m not broody at all now, but was for a few years after DC3.

Thanks all for your insight!

@Wishona you raise a very good point about feeling 'done' later on when DC3 was a bit older.
I still don't just yet but DC2 is yet to turn 1 so maybe that could change with time.

Until then we'll still ponder and ponder 😂

I am pregnant with our third and had the same questions but decided given how much I wanted it and that we can make it work, so I went for it.

I can tell you in September how it's going. My eldest is 4, middle almost 2, baby due in September x

I would just see how things go for another year as your thought process might change. For us it was all about our ages (older when we met so meant thinking of number three at 40).

We had 3 under 4 and the youngest is now 2. Glad we did it close together as we've never really been out of the baby/toddler stage - I would find it difficult to go back for a third with two a bit more independent I think.

With regards to our relationship, the first year of having 3 was tough. We really prioritised 1-2-1 time with all of them which we struggled with when I was on mat leave and had no time for each other (weirdly, it's much easier now I'm back at work, I think it's the structure). We have a good balance now, we both work part time which helps hugely. Plus family/friends are happier to babysit all three now they are a bit bigger, strangely we didn't have any takers for a baby, a toddler and a pre schooler! That was hard too, we are lucky with friends and family support but during the first year people just tended to offer to take one or both of the elder two to give us some time with just baby. (Which was great but didn't help give us anytime to ourselves).

No regrets at all.

I am weighing up no3 oldest 5 little one only 5months we are unsure on the age gap hubby wants to try now I’m unsure to wait a year definitely want a winter baby though as suits our lifestyle. It’s a massive thing having another child I’m so broody after no2 wasn’t at all with no1.

I have an almost 4 year old and a 2.5 year old... I am soooo broody. I keep going back and forth with wanting another one. At the moment my list includes...
Pro:
I see my two girls playing together and it melts my heart, it would be lovely to have a sibling and watch them all play together.
We don't have any family near by so they don't have any close cousins so would be really nice if they had each other.
We have always wanted three and don't want to regret it.
We don't need to buy a bigger house.
Cons:
We love holidays (we are teachers and go away almost every holiday) and it would be a lot more money.
I get stressed with two children so don't know how I would cope with three.
I don't know if I would be able to give them all the attention they all deserve.
Ahhh it is so hard!!!

Do you think it is because number 2 was pretty much guaranteed, but with number 3 it is a bit unknown which is making you more broody? I am not sure if this is the case with me!

I am not sure! It is such a massive decision 2 is quite easy. I always imagined a big family but worry about no3 having a bigger impact than I realise ? We both have successful businesses but that’s time consuming I’m lucky I run my business from home but I have to be outside a lot baby comes in the sling and it’s easy but how would I do that with a baby and 1yr old? I’m not sure so currently it’s that time of the month but we have been trying so need to make my mind up!

The older ones will be pretty self sufficient quite quickly. If you want another I can't see any reason not to from what you wrote, the jump from 2 to 3 was easiest for us!

Our third was a surprise- and he has added a lot to our lives. The only trouble was we felt with the odd number there was always someone left out - so we had number 4 too! Just mentioning.

Three is a nice number, I think if you want to you, and you can do it in a practical sense - then you just have to go for it. Sometimes we can do too much thinking.

Probably better sooner than later - we had a three year gap between three and four and that was a bit harder to start again. Plus I was older and more tired.

Our boys are close now - even with a 7 year gap oldest to youngest.

Had three close together - I was 34 when the third was born. We had decided to go for three, but also that if it didn't happen fairly quickly (there are 21mths between DC1 and DC2, and 2.5yrs between DC2 and DC3) that we would abandon the attempt, because we wanted to just prolong the 'little kid' stage a bit, rather than revisit it after a big gap, if that makes sense. So there was a clear window for trying. We also discussed the fact that the risk of twins increases with age/number of pregnancies, so had to check with ourselves that we were ok with the theoretical risk of 4 not 3. We hung out with friends with more children than us to get a feel for how it might all work. In practice found the jump from 2 to 3 pretty straightforward and a hundred times easier than going from 0 to 1... We also had all the stuff and life set up for small children. Wouldn't change a thing in retrospect and they are all teens now. Oldest off to uni next year!

We just knew we wanted a 3rd. It wasn't a question of if, but when. Youngest is now 2 and while the beginning was easy (he just slotted in, very easy and placid baby) I have found the last few months hard because I find my older 2 children very challenging when they're together (there's lots of noise, playfighting, proper fighting etc. I find them very demanding). Add a 3rd into the mix who doesn't sleep well and I feel utterly spent and exhausted! We also have no time for us as a couple at all.
We both work FT, it's definitely doable. We have a cleaner and GPs who are very helpful, and DH and I share the workload evenly. I would never consider having a 3rd with a partner who isn't willing to do his fair share (and I mean literally 50%, no using long work hours as an excuse not to step up). You don't have to reduce your hours just because you have 3 DC!