Can we afford a third child?

[Justputitdown]

I'm extremely aware that this is a stupid question because it's very much how long is a piece of string.

We're thinking of starting to try for number 3 and I'm just worried that financially it's a bad idea.

My husband earns a good salary but not mega bucks by any means. I'm a part time teacher so earn very little - enough to cover childcare and petrol basically. If we had a third then I would consider becoming a sahm for a while both because I want to and because financially it makes more sense.

I can't shake the thought that we're crazy to think of it because of the cost of living crisis and costs spiralling.

We live in London and would need to upsize in the next 5 years. Our mortgage is currently 19% of our new monthly take home but would probably increase when it comes up for renewal in 2025. We'd also need a new car but I think we could manage that.

I know people say re hotels and stuff but that's not a factor for us because we never have holidays like that anyway.

Any and all thoughts welcome.

Thank you x

Personally you leaving your job after the third baby would make me say no. More from a practical perspective. How long do you plan to take out? If your mortgage goes up to say 6% how stretched will your husband be trying to pay it?
Also you seem to be unsure about it, is this what you really want?
How older are your other two children?
Instead of leaving completely can you cut down to one day a week?

I have 3 and I'm the higher earner. I took almost 15 months off work and it is full on going back. My third is 20 months and instead of using a nanny we went with a childminder which I now regret. Baby he had all sorts of illnesses that I've never had to deal with with my older two.

With regards to cars we have two 5 seater hatchbacks, older two are in high back boosters (just turned 10 and 7.5). Eldest sits in front with hbb and I sit in middle between baby and middle child in back. Baby is belted in if you're used to isofix most cars only have two.
The car situation works ok for us for now but I would love a bigger car.
Mortgage-wise we are paying 22% of our net income on a 4 bed semi so no pressure to move.

The gap between second and third is big because I wanted a minimum of 4 years and also because I hoped I'd grow out of the longing for a third child. And then covid hit so we decided to hold on. I always felt that someone was missing and once baby was born that longing was gone.

Mind you they get very expensive as between all the activities they do and gear they need the older two cost us approx £300 monthly. We only pay childcare for the baby, the older two go to homework club 3 days a weeks for 1 hr and DH collects them 2-3 days a weeks as he's wfh.

Honestly I did not factor holidays when thinking about having a third. If we want to go on holidays if we can afford it we go. Yes it is slightly more expensive but holidays do not count as a con. Maybe I say this because we can afford it, but I wouldn't be having a baby if I wasn't sure if we could afford it. Also things change and you cannot plan for all eventualities, just get good life/critical illness insurance in place 😂 in a roundabout way, good luck whatever you decide 🤣

Thanks for such a long and helpful reply - I really appreciate it.

I really, really want a third but I just want to use my head and not just my heart. If all went to plan then the third would be born when my DD was 4.5 and son was just 3 which seems to me a manageable age gap.

I definitely take on board what you say re work, it's kind of my preference but I will think about maybe carrying on part time as this may make more sense even if it's quite intense for a couple of years!

I have 3, eldest in reception and 21m old twins. I wasn’t planning 3 but twins took that decision away! Fortunately we knew we could afford 3 children and we started later thanks to infertility having my first, so we were in a good financial position having saved on two incomes for many years.

I work 2 days a week. I think working 2-3 days is ideal, to keep your career going and for a break. Twins are in nursery 2 days and I have a bit left over after childcare and expenses. It will get better once they receive their 30 hours next year. DH works from home so does his share of pick ups and drop offs, having that flexibility really helps on my working days. It gets trickier once you have a child in school, working around school hours and holidays.

The biggest cost we faced so far is extra childcare and upgrading to an SUV to fit 3 in the back. We are planning to upsize the house at some point but whilst the twins are little they are fine sharing a room.

If your eldest is at school and the middle one receiving the 30 hours, it should reduce your childcare costs by the time no3 comes along.

Children cost more as they get older and don't forget university fees as well.

Don't do ut:

1.finances : childcare, holidays, groceries, schools, activities.

1. Emotional drain.... More teething, sleeplessness, chicken pox, you nane it. X3 teenagers going through secondary school, navigating far right/far left /wokism/ whatever is in vogue at the time.

Your menopause and how that will affect your energy levels and ability to cope with life s hurdles.

Your DH s mental health, expected availibility and couple time.

I m so glad I don't have a 3rd, as with peri menopause, job changing, young teenagers trying to navigate changing societal norms, I m feeling increasingly anxious about getting my 2 through the teenager years to adulthood. Thank God, I don't have another, younger child to juggle.

There is no one that can tell you to do it or not. You are asking good questions. I have more than three, but I really enjoyed having three and still felt there was a good balance and didn't find it too financially different. I think a few reasons for this were

1. I had a smaller gap between child 1 and 2, but waited a while for child 3. Child 2 to child 3 is more than 5 years. This also allowed for more savings. With dc 3 I was able to only have 1 child in childcare.
2. Child 1 and 2 were in full time school. I remember some lovely months with child 3 and the older two afternoons/evenings. It was one of my favourite times to look back on. I felt I had time - no demands of work and the older two had school plus special activities/extra curriculars that for once I wasn't rushing back/forth to. I like how child 1 and 2 really felt special to have a new sibling and were at ages where there was no competition.
3. I was more seasoned as a parent and knew what I would and wouldn't spend money on. What I mean by that is I think when in the early days of parenting there's more internal pressure to be/give our kids what our friends/family do. For example, I know friends and family who are at birthday parties both days at the weekends every weekend, friends who spend 100+ on gifts for classmates/aquaintances/baby group friends, monthly. People who insist from birth each child must have their own room, or that their dc must be in sport, take a musical instrument etc. No one is telling them that, it's internal pressure based on what they see as the 'norm'. By the time dc 3 came along I had definitely shifted from that to more peace/content about prioritising what is important to our family. We don't spend weekends rushing between things, I keep one day at the weekend as family day for us all with no parent working (or catching up on work), no structured activities and time to just be together whether that is an outing or playing cards, going to the park and making pizza dinner together. If that means my dc can't be in the coveted gymnastics squad/team, or miss aquaintances birthdays, then I'm really okay with that. We all need this down time and I have the confidence to turn things down because of what's important to me/us. They do each have a couple extra curriculars but they are looked at with what they cost both in terms of money and time and level of interest. I've found things like cubs are brilliant and good value for money, and then 1 more special thing (martial arts, dance etc.).
4. I was okay with being busy and not having time for myself because I needed to keep working. The most part time I was able to work after dc 3 was four days a week, so not very part time at all. I worked 32 hrs/week but had one day off. I didn't use that day to meet up with friends or have coffee out, I used it to get things done like the food shop, meal planning, cleaning, laundry and appointments for any of the dc. All of mine have had an extra 'something' that wasn't known at first - hearing for one, speech, needing intensive physio for years for another due to problem with bones and muscle weakness. I have friends with higher income with 2/3 dc who work 2/3 days a week and have very leisurely off days, have a cleaner weekly or bi-weekly etc. If you aren't higher income these are luxuries that you need to be okay with not indulging in. We are not high income, made it work and didn't feel the sacrifices were huge. But I think they are huge if after 3 dc one person stays at home. Income isn't just about what you earn now, but also the future. As a teacher you won't need outside of term time care, so that's already a huge bonus. How many days a week do you work now? I have a friend who is a teacher and has 4 dc (ages 2-8) and she works full time. The way she sees it is that she has summer and half terms off, in a way other parents don't, so her term time is full time.

I will say now that my eldest two are teenagers and dc is double digits as dc says! LOL (FYI - I have more dc now too) I will say it is by far the older years that I've found more taxing, more financially demanding (obviously not including child care) and where the needs feel like a bottomless bucket. They want to spend time with you when they want to and it's urgent usually due to social things at school. They don't care that you have a meeting or commitment, it all feels so urgent for them. There's homework and more homework and revision and emotions run high. I am even more glad now for that bigger gap because I will never have more than 2 teens at once. I don't want to disparage teenagehood at all, there are many wonderful things about it. I love so many of the chats we have, their friends etc., but there are days it feels very very much like this is by far the hardest part of being a parent with no easy solutions. The age old saying the older the kid the bigger the 'problem' is true. I am also glad I have younger dc that remind me to have fun and not be overwhelmed by the storm that is the teen years. Also as for finances, £5 weekly baby/toddler class is nothing compared to £50/week maths tutoring. That is the reality for many dc and many schools in the UK, there is more support needed outside of school because in school is so stretched.

If you are willing to keep working, budget every penny, have enough left to save for a rainy day, go without things and be confident in what you are giving your dc, having three is workable. You don't have to have a 7 seater, you don't have to have holidays abroad, you don't have to do so many things. But you do have to be responsible and think about the type of childhood you dc will remember. Will that be what could have been avoidable financial stress had you kept working, or had less financial demands? (I say avoidable as any family can go through unexpected crisis', no judgement and they aren't less of a family/parent.) Would you still need to upsize your home if you stayed with two? Could you make your home work with three and focus on getting the mortgage paid off? Only you and your partner can answer that. Only you also know what his income is, I mean if he's on £80k that's very different to £30k.

I'd suggest living financially on less for a period of 6-12 months and see what that is like. I once heard someone say you should be able to afford to save 100 pcm per person in your family in order to avoid major financial disasters that come with home & vehicle ownership. I really dislike the idea you need to be middle class to have and afford dc that's not true at all. But it is true that there will be more financial demands with 3 dc, so affording other things that can leave you in hardship (repairs, car replacement etc) can be harder. Now may be the time to work out exactly what those are and how you would manage a different budget long term. Oh yes, one more thing. Do you have a solid emergency fund? What would happen if your partner lost his job? Do you have 6/9 months income saved? I'd focus on that before adding another dc if you don't have savings yet in place, especially if you plan to give up work.

Good luck!

I have three and they are two academic years apart. Our cars have three car seats in the back so the earlier post about that doesn’t impact us.

For me the biggest issue is the one to one needs being met, after school reading, homework, extracurricular activities and patience.

We both work and generally are fairly comfortable financially but things like holidays are really a consideration due to one of the children being ND.

It’s hectic, the house always feels like a mess, and I’m generally tired but it’s great. They are very good friend and play well with each other which makes outside entertainment needs minimal.

We have 4 although alot more spread out than you are planning as we had some losses along the way.

I'm not going to lie it can be a juggling act But the positives definitely outweigh the negatives!

We have a 7 seater car we did manage with 3 across the back of a 5 seater for a while but it was hard getting the belts in I would always scrape my hands! Upgraded to a 7 seater before we TTC number 4 and it's fab!

Job wise I'm a SAHM , DH is on a fairly average salary I think. It's a bit different for us though as we get disability benefits as one DC is disabled.

Luckily we enjoy simple days out like national trust and nature reserves.

Holiday wise we don't tend to go in hotels and have never been abroad since we had the dc. Occasionally if we need a hotel in the UK we just get 2 rooms but that's once every few years!

Don't know if that helps at all!