Tell me how to make peace with stopping at 3

[MogTheForgetableCat]

I have three DCs. DC3 is a baby.

DH only really wanted two, so is hugely against any more and won't change his mind. I wouldn't want another unless we were both on board. I was really ill during pregnancy and hated every minute, the childcare costs are crippling as is (oldest is 3), I don't/can't have a big age gap as I'm in my 40s already, our house only fits 3 DCs comfortably, I want to retain my FT career.

So there's a million reasons not to have another. But I really want one! I felt like this before and I think I'm just one of those people where if my DH was keen and I was a millionaire then I'd have a whole troop of kids, so even if we had one more I think I'd still feel like this.

I'm having a really hard time as the baby grows up, knowing this is the last time for everything and there'll be no more DCs.

Has anyone got any words of wisdom that might help me make my peace with having 3?

I know I'm very lucky to have 3 as some people don't get to have that, so I don't need to be told that as it doesn't really help.

Perhaps you just need to ride it out until you start reaping the benefits of them growing older & your own life changing. I loved having small children but only for a finite time & much prefer that time being done with. I think it helps to reframe the small changes as steps to new adventures rather than lots of endings to precious times. I’m not sure there is always a way to rationalise out of an instinctive urge.

Maybe look at it like your oldest is only 3 - you have soooooo many more firsts to come still and then twice again as the others go through milestones.

Also you only have 3 years parenting experience and don’t know the horror of a 7 year old 😂 I just mean, you might be glad of only having 3 once you hit a phase you’re hating.

I can relate to this. I have 5 DC, and funnily enough the most done I ever felt was after DC1 but 5 years later I had DC2 and then 7 years later DC3. Sadly DC4 is not with us but DC 5&6 twins are and I got sterilised after having them. I knew I had to take the option of having more away from myself, losing DC4 was so painful I could never go through that again, and yet at the same time it’s so tempting to just want to repeatedly fill the void, but I know in my heart that it’s a void that can never be filled even if I had 10 more babies, none of them would ever be DC4, he is and always be my precious angel.

I find myself sad and melancholy that there won’t be any more babies, but I also realise that I am so very lucky to have the 5 that I do, and I love them so so much. Some people just don’t ever get the done feeling, I guess that I am one of those people and I’ve realised that it’s ok to feel like that. Now that I know that I cannot have any more, it’s been so much easier to deal with. It also gets easier as the DC get older, yours are still very young…once they go to school and become more independent and don’t need the same intense level of care, you will start enjoying the benefits of having older children and that helps a lot.

Hah, I think this is the type of thing I need to hear! My feelings really aren't rational and it's very possible I want more babies rather than actual children.

@MoiraRoseRules steps to new adventures is a better way of looking at it.

@Lillygolightly I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't begin to imagine that. It's useful to hear I'm not the only one feeling like this.

Hopefully your get lots of Grandchildren :)

Hmm add to that the risks of rolling the dice again. I would have liked to try for one more to make three but I’d already had dc 2 at 40.

reading on here about someone who went for a third and had a still birth made me pause. I have friends with older dc now going through assessments for neuro diversity and having a v hard time with a highly challenging 8 year old.

your kids are young. You don’t know what lies ahead or may be demanded of you.

i smelt the coffee and realised I’d been very lucky to have two after 37 and decided (it is a decision) to count my blessings not push my luck.

I was so keen for dc4 but DH had been reluctant for #3 and I didn't want to do the persuading again. I wanted him to want it and for it to be a joint decision. I am absolutely someone who would never have felt done I don't think.

We are now well past the baby stage and the finances of 3 are just terrifying. 3 lots of school uniform, school shoes, swimming lessons, music lessons, birthday parties...the teens need phones, driving lessons, school residentials...

We are both ft working professionals with good incomes but every cost is magnified by the number of children we have. It has meant less holidays than other people and less meals out/takeaways etc.

If we had had another child it would dramatically have curtailed the lifestyle we offer our existing children. I see and understand that now in a way I didn't when they were small. I want to be able to support with tutors etc as needed, to pay for activities and experiences, panto and theatre and cinema.

Clearly every family has different incomes and different costs, and different aspirations for what they want to be able to provide. But while I am always going to wonder how it would have felt to be pg again, and who may have joined us, I only have to think of the money to feel sure stopping was the right thing for us!

I'd have loads if we were millionaires too. The feeling doesn't go away but you have to think of it in terms of how it would be in reality. We aren't millionaires therefore I wouldn't be able to afford childcare etc.

Kids are a lot more to juggle when they get older and are in school with hobbies etc. Believe me once they’re in primary school with homework you’ll be glad to have 3!
You’re so lucky to have the healthy 3 kids you have now and be comfy enough for a cleaner. What a lovely life!

Sorry, you have a career not a cleaner!
lol
You can tell I’m dreading the post xmas clean up.

I long for number 4. But we just can't. I can't I'd be close to 45 by the time I gave birth. We can barely cope with the three we have some days. Other days I feel like we aren't complete. It is hard I wish we started early so we had longer to decide.

We had to stop at three as well, despite wanting more. It affected my body too much, so for the sake of the children we already had I was sterilised after DD3 was born.

It has taken me years to come to terms with it, but now I guess I'm thankful we don't have more as our three are quite challenging! Three girls, always fighting. We're finding them more difficult in some ways as they get older - looking after babies is the easy bit, IMO. DD1 is nearly 11 now. I definitely found it easier when I had three under five!

for you. It is hard to come to terms with it.

My deepest sympathies, Lillygolightly.

I'm happy with three, but I have a large age span. 13 years oldest to youngest. The younger two are 3 years apart and I often think how much easier it would be to tailor activities, days out etc if they were all within 4 or so years of each other. Even things like stockings would have been easier to make fair.

You probably aren't seeing this yet as younger/older toddlers and a baby all do have very different needs, but once the youngest is about 18m-2, you'll have children going from 2-5 in age and that will be brilliant right up until they are all teenagers together.

The more you add, the larger you'll make the age span that you're needing to entertain/provide for/accommodate at one time, and the larger that age span the more complicated it is.

Like others have said too, the ending of stages is also great in some ways. I've just moved DS3 out to his own bed and while I didn't think I'd ever be ready, it was the right time and I'm so excited thinking about what we can do with our bedroom now that I don't have to accommodate a cosleeping cot or think about crawler hazards. Getting rid of nappies is a great stage too. Being able to leave the house without a tank sized buggy or giant changing bag.

If you love babies but can't have more, maybe it's worth considering looking at jobs which let you meet and spend time with lots of babies? Toddlers is the stage that I love and sometimes when I'm at the nursery I think oh, I wonder if I could do this. I don't know if I will, but it's something to think about maybe.

Everything everyone has said here is about what they - the adult - wants. Perhaps think about the children that already exist and what is best for them.

I've had to stop at one because I developed an autoimmune condition after having DS which I find pretty debilitating. I would have loved two.

Whenever I feel sad about it, I try and focus on the advantages to DS of me sticking with one. For example, he gets a much better version of me because two children would be stretching my resources too far. One is also much more affordable, so I can afford to pay for opportunities for him that would be less manageable with two.

I don't mean to say that one child is always better but just that there are advantages and disadvantages to any number. Therefore, there will be advantages for your children if you stick at three.

I do get it because I've felt really sad about it and still do sometimes.

I'd also say that clearly your family works really well as it is and you're enjoying the number of children you do have, or you wouldn't be considering another. But you don't know until you have another whether a fourth would stretch you too thin, and by that point it would be too late to decide it would have been better to stick at three. Number four would be a risk, versus staying with a number you already know you can manage happily.

I could have another, and it might work out fine. But I just think I know that I'm giving DS the best I can at the moment and don't want to run the risk of upsetting that balance, even though I'd really love more (in theory!)

For context OP I have 3 - 7, 5 and 9 months. 2 lots of school admin is already more than enough for me 😄 I’d love a 4 th baby but know it would tip the balance of attention, time, money, stress etc. 3 is going well but we’re in a happy chaos. Also I don’t want to push our luck re special needs and I don’t want to put my body through another birth. DH going for a vasectomy this year… but will probably be next year as it’s such a hard step to take. Hate that my young childbearing exciting years are over.

Children get more expensive the older they get. Stop at 3 and you'll be able to afford more for them as they grow up, holidays, days out, etc

I'm a mum of 3 teens and we are comfortable but I'm so glad I don't have 4 or 5.

I felt like this when my third DC was a baby. I think having a baby around makes you want more babies! I knew i didnt want more but I was still sad that DC3 was my last. Getting rid of baby stuff was hard.
What helped me was DC1 starting preschool- it opened up a whole new world. One that required a lot of time and effort to support him.with. Once they start school it's different again.
I decided to focus on the here and now. Not to think too far ahead

I now have 3 older teens. Another would have broken me. Logistically it is a permanent headache! The house is chaotic. I love it but believe me when I say 3 close in age is def enough!

Plus I had my 3rd at 37. I am permanently knackered.

You would be increasing your risk of having a special needs child. Also the cost is crippling already you said so that would not be fair on anybody least of all the 3 you already have. Be grateful for what you have some women can't get pregnant atall and you have 3

I have 3. When my twins were babies I had the fleeting desire for a 4th. I think it was hormonal.

By the time the twins reached 1, I definitely didn’t want any more. My eldest started school in September and as previously mentioned, the school run, homework and school admin is a whole new project in itself. It was easy when she went to private nursery when we could drop off and pick up whenever and had long days which needed little input from us. School is much more hands on.

I spent a long time trying for my first, so I do understand that feeling that it passes so fast. My twins will be 2 in April and I’m excited for the times to come, their language developing, better sleep (hopefully!).

I lurked a bit on the birth boards when I had those urges, and I enjoyed reading about others in the early stages of pregnancy. But by the time they reached their due dates, I was glad not to be worrying about birthing/feeding options.

I stopped at 3 because we could only fit 3 in a car.
Simple.

:) I would definitely go for more if I could have a cleaner! And a cook, housekeeper etc etc ...

Thanks for all the responses everyone, and sorry for taking so long to come back to this. They've given me lots to think about.

The point about stopping now when I've been lucky so far is a really good one. TTC was very easy for me, and I've never had a miscarriage, so I don't know how I'd cope if it was much tougher next time. And it's probably unfair on my existing family to have another child who might end up having significant additional needs.

It's also a very good point that I've not parented anything but babies and toddlers so I have no idea of the challenges of school age or teens and I might be very glad to just have three then.

None of this logical stuff stops the 'but I just WANT more children' but it does help to remind me of all the good reasons not to risk another.

I'm going to try and counter the sadness of stages ending with thinking about all the good stuff to come.