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Original poster

AIBU - Overbearing Grandparents

22 replies

PrplePanda · 01/12/2022 06:11

I currently have a 6 week old baby. When we told my parents about the pregnancy, they said they would move closer to us as they previously lived over 3 hours away. We were happy with this as we want the baby to have a close relationship with the family. However, we also made it clear our expectations for seeing each other. My partner and I are introverted people and enjoy/need time alone.

Since moving here, my parents have asked to see us a lot. They've said that they feel we are keeping the baby from them and there was no point moving closer because they never see us - we have seen them multiple times since they've been here. AIBU in not wanting to see them all the time even though they moved here to be closer to us?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Lulu1919 · 01/12/2022 06:17

Define....all the time
Also new baby is very exciting ...it will calm down a bit I'm sure

SafariRushHour · 01/12/2022 06:17

How much are you seeing them and how much do they want to see baby.

Eatingjumper · 01/12/2022 06:19

How many times a week are we talking here? YANBU, but they moved 3hrs away to be near you so it seems like this was a bit inevitable really. Do they have any other friends/family nearby or are you and your family the only thing they moved for?

Original poster

PrplePanda · 01/12/2022 07:16

We see them once a week but they invite us to do things together multiple times a week. They don't know anyone else in the area but we made our expectations clear before they moved. I can't tell whether I'm being awful for not wanting to see them more!

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 01/12/2022 07:29

Can you clarify what was said between you all regarding expectations before they moved? It sounds like this is probably crossed wires more than anything.

NerrSnerr · 01/12/2022 07:34

Although I don't think I'd like to live near my parents I can see their point. Personally I think twice a week is fair enough, especially if you're on maternity leave.

Are you planning on relying on them for childcare? If so, I think it's fair they want to spend more time with you all and the baby.

3luckystars · 01/12/2022 07:36

If you pick a definite day of the week to do something with them, that might help. Just say that’s all you can do right now.

Quitelikeit · 01/12/2022 07:37

I think it’s ridiculous that they moved to be near you if you only see them once a week

and I do think that is quite harsh - why can’t they take the baby without you!!!

lifeinthehills · 01/12/2022 07:40

Once a week is a lot of visiting IMO. Plenty to justify the move they made. Your baby is only 6 weeks old. You're still finding your rhythm. They are unreasonable.

lifeinthehills · 01/12/2022 07:41

Quitelikeit · 01/12/2022 07:37

I think it’s ridiculous that they moved to be near you if you only see them once a week

and I do think that is quite harsh - why can’t they take the baby without you!!!

Baby is only six weeks old!

Byelaws · 01/12/2022 07:42

The baby is only 6 weeks old. Of course they can’t take the baby without the mum.

OP, this will find a level, and soon you may find you are very very grateful to have them so nearby. It makes a huge difference to have loving and engaged gps round the corner. It’s just a bit early for those benefits to be felt.

Hang in there. Your parents will meet more people (tell them to) and you will find it easier to let them see your DC without it impacting so much on you.

lifeinthehills · 01/12/2022 07:43

So when they made the decision to move, you made your expectations for visiting clear. Have you lived up to what you led them to expect? Not that you can't change your mind or find that doesn't work for you after all, but if you've done what was discussed, they shouldn't be complaining.

heldinadream · 01/12/2022 07:47

You have a newborn. You call the shots. You make the boundaries. Tell them to back off they are upsetting a new mother, there'll be plenty of time later for their relationship with their grandbaby to evolve.
Congratulations OP. You are doing nothing wrong. Just enjoy your baby and keep them at any distance you want. They need to be patient and respectful of you, not pushy!

DozyFox · 01/12/2022 07:48

Everyone is different - for me, once a week for my parents and in-laws to see my son seems like absolutely nothing, especially as he gets older! I admit that in the early weeks, I probably would have been ok with once a week. And me and my husband are both quite introverted people.

I think talking honestly with them is the only way, as it's just such a personal preference.

Zero chance I'd have let anyone take my 6 week old baby off without me though, so I'm with you there

lifeinthehills · 01/12/2022 07:52

Everyone is different - for me, once a week for my parents and in-laws to see my son seems like absolutely nothing, especially as he gets older!

This is definitely a YMMV thing. We're all different. As I got more kids and they got older, and busier, once a week would have been overwhelming. When they were little and I had few, I could have done more. It's very individual.

Original poster

PrplePanda · 01/12/2022 08:01

Thanks everyone for your opinions!
I'm just trying to balance making everyone happy but ultimately not getting overwhelmed and draining my social battery!

OP posts:

lifeinthehills · 01/12/2022 08:03

PrplePanda · 01/12/2022 08:01

Thanks everyone for your opinions!
I'm just trying to balance making everyone happy but ultimately not getting overwhelmed and draining my social battery!

Wake up call: You can't make everyone happy all the time and you'll exhaust yourself trying. It's okay to say no, even if people don't like it or react well.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 01/12/2022 08:10

YANBU.

I was the same now I have my MIL visiting every single day for 3/4 hours a day! never get any time to just "be". Very introverted too.

Your parents are being unreasonable could they not join some groups and meet other people in the area?

MajorCarolDanvers · 01/12/2022 08:13

Once a week is not very much for a brand new baby - I'm not surprised they are disappointed

Eatingjumper · 01/12/2022 08:29

It'll likely settle down, people go a bit nuts with little babies. Sounds like this is either their first gc, or at least the first that they feel they can play a significant role to. I'd remind them gently of what you said before they moved. I guess if you plan to use them for free childcare when the baby is older you probably need to meet them halfway though. Can't really keep them away now while it suits you then expect them to be around when you need some childcare. Only you know what your expectations are there. That being said, clearly their expectations don't match yours and this might be a difficult situation to navigate. Are your parents generally reasonable people?

gogohmm · 01/12/2022 08:45

Once a week is harsh, 2-3 times a week but making themselves useful would be reasonable in these circumstances eg would your parents bring a prepared meal over and you all eat together one day, another day they could come over for coffee and then watch the baby whilst you have a shower, take a nap, a trip to the park perhaps...

Talapia · 01/12/2022 17:38

I'd go twice a week. Remember,.you may need their help if you have another baby or help for school runs etc when your baby is older. If they remember you kept them at arm's length, they may also end up feeling the same way about helping you out.

Also, encourage them to join groups etc to make friends locally etc.

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