Is this normal | Mumsnet

ChickpeaFlour · 19/06/2022 22:42

Do speak up as it’s not fair for it to upset you and you can hopefully say it in a really friendly way to not make it into a big deal- Eg please will you ask me first if you want to give dd a bath but said in a cheerful calm voice should be no issue - the bigger issue seems your DH as it doesn’t sound good he’s not prepared to listen or help .
i would also try not to let it all bother you excessively by trying to focus on any positives with your MIL ; she sounds well meaning and kind and family - minded. Sometimes things that start off hard and frustrating can get easier. I loved my MIL and still panicked when they came to stay for several weeks in a small flat; but it honestly became easier as her heart was always in such a good place and I learnt to not notice our differences in how I was used to doing things. I still miss her massively .

Original poster

star-87 · 20/06/2022 07:06

Thank you for replying ❤️
I don't do confrontation so it would be coming from my heart.
I just find it hard to say it as I dont want to upset anyone but its bothering me to the point its on my mind 4 weeks later 😞
She has a big heart and loves her family too we've been in eachother life for 17yrs so a long time but I don't feel I can tell her.
But again this is my baby.
The problem is I have no parents and when I asked my oh he said he wasn't bothered because its his mum but I think even if my mum was still here I would be very bothered still.
You are very lucky to have such a good relationship with your mil ❤️

OP posts:

KangarooKenny · 20/06/2022 07:12

She’s not ‘your’ child, she yours and your DH’s child so he gets a say, however frustrating that is.
‘How was she able to bathe her without you knowing, was she baby sitting ?

MolliciousIntent · 20/06/2022 07:16

You'll get everyone on here telling you to out your foot down etc but you sound a bit OTT to me. Instead of hurting her feelings and trying to distance your MIL from your baby I'd be leaning in and relishing the fact that there is so much love in your child's life.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 20/06/2022 07:23

I understand why you feel protective and almost possessive over your baby, these are very natural, primal instincts. Be open and honest about your feelings, it doesn't have to be confrontational or about her, just about how you feel.
If your mil was giving your baby a bath, then she must have been babysitting, in which case no problem.
The comments about our baby are also fine.
If you don't want to hand him over then just refuse.
Do you spend a lot of time with her?

Germoo · 20/06/2022 07:33

star-87 · 19/06/2022 22:25

Hey am I normal?
I've just had my 1st baby she's now 8 months well soon to be anyway I love being her mummy it's something I've always wanted to be and do 😍 but
I feel lost tbh and very alone
My mil is to much and when I Try and talk to my husband about things she's said he just gets mad at me. She can do no wrong but yet I'm the mental one any comments that are made im the one in the wrong 😔
She says stupid things like mummy's had all the cuddles I want some.. It sounds stupid when I'm writing it but it's so annoying 😕 and keeps referring to my baby as our baby 😒also she bathed her wirhout even asking me I feel like she's trying to take over she is my baby how do I let this go? I know I need to say politely next time would you mind asking me before you do anything with my child.
I'm struggling so much to just let it go my marriage will end if it carries on 😢

Ah we had this problem with my MIL. She is great but can be a nightmare at times with interfering in how to bring up our DS. My husband was like yours but trust me when the chips are down and when your baby is a toddler hopefully your husband will side with you as when their babies it's all new and we all are unsure what is what but when they get to 18 months it's not so new. My husband even used to call me vindictive when I needed to take a break from her from her for a few weeks as it got bad but now he sees she is obsessed with the child and is giving any discipline will effect his mental health and my DH thinks that's rubbish so now he has finally listened to me and like you I was in bits about our marriage but now we are back on track and it's better.
But do try and mention it to your MIL nicely. If she's not getting it then say your busy for the next few weeks and give yourselves time away from her and it can ease the tension for a bit

Original poster

star-87 · 20/06/2022 07:58

KangarooKenny · 20/06/2022 07:12

She’s not ‘your’ child, she yours and your DH’s child so he gets a say, however frustrating that is.
‘How was she able to bathe her without you knowing, was she baby sitting ?

She is our child but I feel she's not if that makes sense like I don't have a say.
Yes she was baby sitting her

OP posts:

Original poster

star-87 · 20/06/2022 07:59

MolliciousIntent · 20/06/2022 07:16

You'll get everyone on here telling you to out your foot down etc but you sound a bit OTT to me. Instead of hurting her feelings and trying to distance your MIL from your baby I'd be leaning in and relishing the fact that there is so much love in your child's life.

I've never said about distancing her from my baby at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

star-87 · 20/06/2022 08:01

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 20/06/2022 07:23

I understand why you feel protective and almost possessive over your baby, these are very natural, primal instincts. Be open and honest about your feelings, it doesn't have to be confrontational or about her, just about how you feel.
If your mil was giving your baby a bath, then she must have been babysitting, in which case no problem.
The comments about our baby are also fine.
If you don't want to hand him over then just refuse.
Do you spend a lot of time with her?

When I say confrontational it's because it will upset her she is a very sensitive woman and will take it to heart 😞
She was baby sitting yes but to not even ask me or my oh 🤔 she's never done it before he's her own children but that was 35yrs ago
I spend 2 days a week mostly with her and I keep telling my oh maybe we can make it 1 day

OP posts:

MolliciousIntent · 20/06/2022 08:03

If your MIL was babysitting (assuming overnight) then I think it's perfectly reasonable that she gave her a bath! Surely you'd just assume that she would as part of the end of the day? I wouldn't nitpick free childcare if I were you.

Having read your comment about not feeling like she's your baby, and about how these things are still upsetting you weeks later, I'm wondering if maybe you might be experiencing some slight PND? Could be worth discussing with your HV?

Original poster

star-87 · 20/06/2022 08:05

Germoo · 20/06/2022 07:33

Ah we had this problem with my MIL. She is great but can be a nightmare at times with interfering in how to bring up our DS. My husband was like yours but trust me when the chips are down and when your baby is a toddler hopefully your husband will side with you as when their babies it's all new and we all are unsure what is what but when they get to 18 months it's not so new. My husband even used to call me vindictive when I needed to take a break from her from her for a few weeks as it got bad but now he sees she is obsessed with the child and is giving any discipline will effect his mental health and my DH thinks that's rubbish so now he has finally listened to me and like you I was in bits about our marriage but now we are back on track and it's better.
But do try and mention it to your MIL nicely. If she's not getting it then say your busy for the next few weeks and give yourselves time away from her and it can ease the tension for a bit

Show quote history

I hope he does start siding with me 😏 I get called mental and horrible 🙄 When I say anything and he doesn't wanna listen so I try and keep my mouth shut 😑 yeah I need a break from her I love that she loves my girl as I'm sure you love your mil loves your child/children but it's it much at times 😔

OP posts:

Original poster

star-87 · 20/06/2022 08:08

MolliciousIntent · 20/06/2022 08:03

If your MIL was babysitting (assuming overnight) then I think it's perfectly reasonable that she gave her a bath! Surely you'd just assume that she would as part of the end of the day? I wouldn't nitpick free childcare if I were you.

Having read your comment about not feeling like she's your baby, and about how these things are still upsetting you weeks later, I'm wondering if maybe you might be experiencing some slight PND? Could be worth discussing with your HV?

It was during the day time she had my baby for a few hours while we tided our house.
I did think something isn't right that's why my title was am I normal 😳
I just take everything to heart that's said.
Her nails are to long I feel like I'm always trying to explain everything to her. I feel she treats me like a child and her ds too. Maybe I'll talk to my hv

OP posts:

Wotagain · 20/06/2022 08:11

You are being ridiculous, and looking for fault where there is none. And what actually is the problem with her bathing your baby? She obviously didn’t come to any harm in her care.

Original poster

star-87 · 20/06/2022 08:14

Wotagain · 20/06/2022 08:11

You are being ridiculous, and looking for fault where there is none. And what actually is the problem with her bathing your baby? She obviously didn’t come to any harm in her care.

Wow thanks!
I'm asking for advice not to be told I'm ridiculous.

OP posts:

MolliciousIntent · 20/06/2022 08:19

Her nails are too long!?

Did she say why she bathed the baby? I've often had to put mine in the bath in the day due to blowouts, or if she was v upset, baths work really well as a reset.

I think you're being a bit ridiculous here. She wants to cuddle your baby, she sees the baby as part of the family (it would be very common in my family to refer to a grandchild as "our baby"), she gave baby a bath... All of this is totally normal. And your comment about her nails being too long is a bit bonkers. Long nails are fine for baby care, my best friend always has hers super long (and done!) and has managed to raise several kids with no mishap.

From what you've posted here, you're being irrational, and I can well imagine getting upset if I were your DH, you seem to be manufacturing reasons to push his mum out.

WorriedPersonNumber5 · 20/06/2022 08:21

I can't believe the responses you are getting and the fact people are not focussing on how awful your DH is being?

The fact is, if you feel your MIL is being overbearing (and two days a week with her sounds like a lot!) then your DH should have your back. Even if he disagrees calling your mental is completely out of order.

Your MIL should respect your wishes with your child and calling her 'our baby' is just weird and too much IMO. It's great to have a large loving family, but she is overstepping the mark clearly.

But I'm sorry to say the main thing here is you have a DH problem and you need to address this as I can't imagine it will just go away and there is a risk it will get worse. Your DH should be putting you first now and listening to your concerns

WorriedPersonNumber5 · 20/06/2022 08:22

I love my MIL but no way could I have coped with having to see her two days a week whilst I was getting used to being a mum.

It's normal to feel protective over your baby and even if he is getting frustrated, her DH is using abusive language towards her

It's not acceptable

Original poster

star-87 · 20/06/2022 08:23

MolliciousIntent · 20/06/2022 08:19

Her nails are too long!?

Did she say why she bathed the baby? I've often had to put mine in the bath in the day due to blowouts, or if she was v upset, baths work really well as a reset.

I think you're being a bit ridiculous here. She wants to cuddle your baby, she sees the baby as part of the family (it would be very common in my family to refer to a grandchild as "our baby"), she gave baby a bath... All of this is totally normal. And your comment about her nails being too long is a bit bonkers. Long nails are fine for baby care, my best friend always has hers super long (and done!) and has managed to raise several kids with no mishap.

From what you've posted here, you're being irrational, and I can well imagine getting upset if I were your DH, you seem to be manufacturing reasons to push his mum out.

No my mil says things to me about my baby
Her nails are to long
She's cold
She's hot
She's hungry
Yes she cares but I am her mum and my oh is her dad we know what we're doing.
Yes she is out first child but
Maybe I am being sensitive I wouldn't say ridiculous at all
Tbh I'm a first time mum who is learning like all mums.
I dont have my myeelf so I wouldn't push her out as its my daughter that misses out. I just wanted advice to be told I'm ridiculous.

OP posts:

KangarooKenny · 20/06/2022 08:23

All mothers ( well most) have a really protective thing about their children, but yours seems too much. I think you need to speak to the HV too.
And why are you spending 2 days a week with her ? You can just send DH round with baby for an hour or so, distancing you from each other may be the way to go.
If you are going to have her as a baby sitter you do need to be flexible.

WorriedPersonNumber5 · 20/06/2022 08:24

It sounds like OP is being made to see her two days a week if she's asked to make it less and her DH is refusing...

Original poster

star-87 · 20/06/2022 08:28

WorriedPersonNumber5 · 20/06/2022 08:21

I can't believe the responses you are getting and the fact people are not focussing on how awful your DH is being?

The fact is, if you feel your MIL is being overbearing (and two days a week with her sounds like a lot!) then your DH should have your back. Even if he disagrees calling your mental is completely out of order.

Your MIL should respect your wishes with your child and calling her 'our baby' is just weird and too much IMO. It's great to have a large loving family, but she is overstepping the mark clearly.

But I'm sorry to say the main thing here is you have a DH problem and you need to address this as I can't imagine it will just go away and there is a risk it will get worse. Your DH should be putting you first now and listening to your concerns

Thank you I find it weird too 😳 she's our baby as in me and my dh not hers.

OP posts:

Original poster

star-87 · 20/06/2022 08:29

WorriedPersonNumber5 · 20/06/2022 08:22

I love my MIL but no way could I have coped with having to see her two days a week whilst I was getting used to being a mum.

It's normal to feel protective over your baby and even if he is getting frustrated, her DH is using abusive language towards her

It's not acceptable

Yeah I need to cut it down and yeah send my dh over to hers instead me thinks.

OP posts:

MolliciousIntent · 20/06/2022 08:54

I think that's a good idea, let DH take the baby to see his mum and you get some time alone

Pitpatwaddlepat · 20/06/2022 09:35

Hi just wanted to say, I was like this. My mother in law was very negative in the way she said things too though and we had never got on.
Anyway I did confront her but it really upset the whole family and looking back I should have just tried to see her less. Also now that my little girl is bigger I have realised that my own mum is nearly as bad for "her nails are too long", "she needs a haircut" type comments, it just doesn't bother me because I know my mum loves me and so I don't feel insecure or see it as a criticism. Try doing Ur grocery shopping on the day Ur mil has the baby, and while you're out have a nice coffee in the supermarket cafe. Ur mil will get time with the baby but you dont have to listen to her rabbiting on!