Lost social confidence

[Trytobetoo]

I’m a mum of 3 young children. I used to be so outgoing, chat to anyone, I was a singer in a band so used to getting up and getting on with being funny or chatty infront of people.

However now I can’t even talk to a mum at the school gates, I go to baby groups and find myself sitting in silence or just listening to the other mums talk at me or each other most of the time. If I do talk i feel like I’m not listened to so find it pointless (they literally talk over me and interrupt me), all everyone wants to talk about is their births, sore nipples, sleepless nights or good schools in the area, it’s boring I go for the youngest babies and them socialising but other than that I don’t find mums in my area want a friend in me, they just want to talk about themselves or get breastfeeding advice (when they’re not cutting me off mid advice with another question or their own answers).

I did meet one friendly mum but her child just beat the crap out of my middle child (they’re both 1.5yo) and she did nothing about it so now I feel like I can’t meet up or have her round because her child is just a brute.

I find mum socialising so difficult after having my children. Anyone else?

Hi,
Didn’t want to leave you with no replies. I find it really hard making friends generally, so i I guess wasn’t surprised when I didn’t make many mum friends.
I don’t have much advice, sorry… it sounds to me like you just haven’t found anyone to click with yet. I hate the phrase ‘find your tribe’ but I do think that the mum friends I do have are very similar in outlook to me (I’ve never been a fan of groups, but go to the park a lot, I was never into milestones or sleep training etc, I just went with the flow). So I managed to find a few people with the same vibe. Also, do you have any friends from pre kids? I know it’s hard with the collagen in tow, but I met some of my old friends for a coffee in the park, or the odd evening out. I like having friends who knew me before I had kids.
I guess just keep trying, talk to more people, if your little one heads to someone at a group, try their parent. it will get less scary, and for every few that don’t ‘get’ you, there will be one that does.
Not sure if that’s any help at all. But sending a hug as it is really hard (and I say that as someone who loves my own company but still gets a bit lonely).

What jumps out at me is ‘it’s boring’ and ‘her child is just a brute’. Come on, it’s a 1 year old. Give it another chance, maybe they were tired or it was out of character?

Im a mum of 3 (youngest is 10 months) and I’ve found lots of mums I’ve gelled with this maternity leave. I’ve really made the effort to speak with parents at the school gate, invitations for play dates, nights out, etc. My last two maternity leaves were a lot more lonely that’s for sure, but the point is that I’m making the effort. A big effort. I’m shy I’ve met complete strangers off Facebook, I was literally shaking before meeting them (for a night out without kids). Some people at toddler groups or school mums aren’t my cup of tea & I have swerved them but honestly I think you could maybe give more people a chance. The first thing then will talk about is birth stories & their tiredness as this is usually a common denominator but it evolves from this.

If you don’t care then fair enough but I think by posting this you clearly do care, so I’d just suggest you have more of an open mind & just push yourself out of your comfort zone.

Also, be kind to yourself. When you have children I feel like you do lose a part of yourself (or I have) so it’s just trying to find the balance of getting yourself back

I never really understood this need for “mum” friends. For me, my friendship circle didn’t change when I had mine.

Do you have other friends? Do you socialise with them?

It helps to look for different things in different places. My 'mum friends' were exactly that: women to discuss nipple shields and weaning with, and then later potty training, nursery schools, which primary etc. We helped each other out a lot. We baby sat and child minded and had picnics in the park and girls' nights out to relieve the tedium. But we weren't truly close. We drifted apart pretty swiftly as soon as our Dc were old enough to make their own friends and go to after school clubs etc.

Don't expect too much of mum friendships. Accept it will be baby talk. There's a tiny chance you'll meet someone who shares your values or interests but no guarantee. Look for those people elsewhere. Join a rock choir or advertise for a new band - maybe even a mum band.

I felt a lot happier once I re-established my interests and met likeminded people, then i could enjoy mum-friendships for what they are.

Thanks everyone. I’m not on social media so I’m sure I’m missing out on a lot of groups, chats and meet ups but it’s just not my thing (social media).

@2ndBorn sorry I should’ve clarified, the 1 year old wasn’t just beating the crap out of my child, also everyone else’s including newborns, biting out of the blue, throwing babies to the floor, screaming and pulling hair etc.. on about 10 occasions I kept ‘giving the benefit of the doubt’, even inviting to my house, like I say I’m a mum of 3 myself and know babies/toddlers but I’m not prepared to have my poor 1yo be treated like that when the mum just sits there and laughs or just apologises and let’s it happen over and over again. Course I care, but that specific group I’ve been to 6 times now so 12 hours in total and we literally do just talk about the same thing over and over again so it does get boring.

I’ll definitely hang in there, I don’t think covid has helped either, especially with chatting to mums at the school gates because for the majority of the time we’ve had to wear masks and keep apart, so unless you already knew each other (I’m new to this town) then you’d have no chance. Let’s hope that side gets easier eh!

I do have a play date planned for tomorrow for my eldest but the mum is just dropping the kid off, I offered them staying for a brew but she said she has things to do