Ditch the dream?

[Anonymouseky]

I separated from my husband last year and I’m only now at the stage where I’m starting to think about dating again. I always wanted a big family (I currently have 2 from previous marriage). I would have loved more had I married the right man in the first place. I’m now thinking ahead and wondering if I do meet someone who wanted a child, if this is something I would honestly be able to consider.

How do people afford this? I work full time and my childcare bill is huge (about 2k a month). I get some help from the government towards this otherwise I wouldn’t be able to work, but my bill is still big even with some help. I know you don’t get any government help with a third child, but I read something recently that implied that you could still get help with childcare fees for a third child, just not the other component. Is this true? I wouldn’t want to give up work if I did meet someone and we had a third child, but a 3k childcare bill would make it impossible to work if I/ we didn’t get any help with fees.

I know I’m getting ahead of myself as I haven’t even started dating yet, but most people on dating sites are quite open these days about what they want/ don’t want, so I feel like I need to go into this with some idea of what my long term family plans will look like.

I'm hoping for just one child and would love two.

However, even if I did have time for more I don't think I would.

Not the expense but being 1 of 4 children wasn't fun at all.

Families are like countries - the more you have the more under resourced you are - then there is unrest.

The only help you don't get with additional children over 2 is Universal Credit/child tax credit etc. You still get child benefits and help with childcare etc.

I think 3 children would be my limit because of time, resources, finances, etc. It’s interesting to get perspectives from people who grew up in larger families. I am an only child and hated it so much growing up. I always longed for a bigger family and hoped I would have one of my own when I was older. I’m just not sure it’s realistic for me now, given my age and circumstances, but I feel that if I’m going to date again, I may be asked the question at some point, especially if I meet someone who really wants a child.

@buttercuplizzy is that help with childcare fees or just free hours? So do people get help with childcare fees for all 3 children if they want to remain in work?

TBH I think it would be a terrible thing for your parents to split, then your mum have a baby with someone new, for the reason that she had always wanted a large family. My advice is to let your life and your DC life settle down, focus on the children you have.

I think if you can’t afford to have more without relying on benefits or assistance with childcare costs, then I wouldn’t have another child.

We have a conservative government and a lot of environmentally minded people don’t want to support larger families. I would think that cutting any remaining financial assistance for a third child is likely to be a very popular way to win more votes and cut the tax burden.

Don’t rely on them being around when/if you meet someone new and look to have more children.

I completely understand why people would think this is a bad idea and I’m not saying it’s what I’m planning to do. It’s just something I think I have to consider before even dating. I can make my peace with having 2 children, but if I did meet someone who didn’t already have children who really wanted one, then it’s better to think about it before even getting involved.

I could afford another child but the childcare costs would be crippling. I’ve worked really hard to get where I am today with a decent job with a decent salary and no mortgage to pay, but it pains me that people who work hard can’t afford more children because of massive childcare costs.

Of course, you never know, I could meet someone who was financially very secure too and, combined, we could possibly afford it, but it’s all academic at the moment as I’ve not even started dating! I’m just the kind of person who thinks things through thoroughly (and possibly worries too much). For now, my efforts are going into enjoying the two beautiful children I’m already lucky to have.

Why are you giving this head space now?

If you focus on the dream large family then what you will end up making some really poor decisions in terms of partner and just pick someone to fulfil the job.

You should not start thinking about the cost of a larger family until you are happy, secure and in a stable relationship with someone worthwhile, not just a 'you'll provide for my reproductive aspirations' bloke.

Honestly the fact that you are this overly invested in your dream rather than focusing on the two children you already have is quite concerning.

You should be looking for someone to fit you and your family not someone to expand your family. Your priorities and concerns are massively off.

But if you meet somebody and have a child together then they will be sharing costs with you. A new baby would not be your sole financial responsibility.

If you meet someone who wants children.... you already have two, if they don't love them, why would you let the new guy stick around?

In all honesty, if you need government assistance you can't afford a large family, my two alone cost me over £10k a year in university living costs! I'm not saying poor people shouldn't have children, I'm just saying that everyone needs to be responsible in the number, the planet doesn't need more mouths either. 2 is a lovely number plus if like me you end up meeting someone with kids you end up with 4!

you focus on the dream large family then what you will end up making some really poor decisions in terms of partner and just pick someone to fulfil the job
This
Sorry but you need to stop with the whole" dream" and concentrate on providing a good life for the DC that you already have.

I honestly don’t know why I bother posting on here. People have no reading comprehension. I’m not saying I’m looking for a partner to expand my family with. I’m saying if I happen to meet someone who wanted this too, then I would want to know if it was even a possibility. I know too many people who don’t even think about these things before dating and then they get a few years down the line and it suddenly becomes an issue as one decides the subject of children is a dealbreaker. Why are people so quick to assume they know what my intentions are when they don’t even know me. I’m not the type to go looking for a man to purely fulfil that need. Believe me, if I had been that desperate to expand my family I would have just don’t that years ago! Just because I ideally wanted a large family, doesn’t mean I’m going to go out there purely looking for someone to do that. My focus is my children, but that doesn’t mean I should never date again or consider love again.

Putting aside the moral/ethical questions raised previously.

How old are your children? I assume they’re at nursery or preschool if you’re paying £2k a month?

So they won’t be there forever. Once they start school at 4 your childcare costs will reduce significantly. Do you get the funding for 3 year olds? Again, that’s another drop in fees.

Even if you met someone tomorrow, it would surely be a few years at least until you had a pregnancy-baby/mat leave/then needed childcare? By which point at least one or both of your children would be at school?

Surely this would be something to discuss with a prospective partner. You’d work on the assumption they would be contributing to the household and supporting at least their child, and maybe step children.