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Dealing with family over-riding your wishes

11 replies

MOGMOGMOG85 · 05/11/2021 15:02

It's never anything massive but it drives me absolutely potty. Every single thing I have learned the hard way about what works for my son is dismissed out of hand by wider family. Its nothing thats earth shattering but to me its just a sign of how little regard they have for me. My son has always found eating and drinking stressful- at first it was additional swallowing/choking difficulties which were physioligical but he has overcome. But he still won't drink water and he still finds eating difficult emotionally and one way I've found takes the stress out for him is to have postman pat on as he loves this and it distracts him from the task at hand so he can just eat without all the crying and distress. I also strip him off to eat as bibs do nothing and he had a tendency to two out of every three things he smooshes up and rubs all over himself and other things (also surround his high chair with foam play mats). But they dismiss both things out of hand and so eating is stressful again. Its not the end of the world its just the occasional meal he is not in his families care very often, but it just annoys the he'll out of me on principle that they seem to assume everything I say comes out of my arse.

I don't think I'm ever going to get any respect from my family, so avoiding that what can I do to stay sane? Be more assertive or just blank it out? Have a mantra to help me quickly ignore and move on from it? How do you be assertive when you've said something emphatically three times and everyone still ignores you?

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MOGMOGMOG85 · 05/11/2021 15:12

ALSO - and I'm aware this may sound petty to some of you, but again it drives me up the wall, MIL always commenting on how messy my son eats and how she can do it better. She posts pictures on our family app and gets my mum to comment on how she's much better too. It really effs me off. The reason she is cleaner is because a she won't feed him anything that's messy or just takes it away. B she will only spoon feed him no finger foods, which he hates, leading onto c 9f he doesn't eat anything its not her problem as I'll give him his next meal during which he'll be starving. It's only a "joke" and only a small thing but I find the families general attitude is that I do everything wrong I'm really over the top and unnecessary ie I'm doing a pretty crap job overall. It's such hard work being a mum and tbh I'm doing effing amazing when I look back at how far I've come in one year and all I've learned and changed to get right for my son.

My husband said the other day that our son has eaten way more variety 6 months post weaning than he did in his whole childhood. That made me feel better- he appreciates the work I do to introduce lots of foods and get our son to enjoy his food. Of course it's easy to feed children if you only give them five things but then grow up like my husband terrified of new foods (and aware its a shame but he can't help it).

OP posts:
tmc14 · 06/11/2021 07:25

Hi, eurgh, I understand this feeling well. I also understand trying to explain it and every example sounds small and not that bad, but all together it’s a nightmare. And it is about feeling undermined. I do a few things. Firstly, I actually minimise chat. I’ve backed away from the WhatsApp groups, I’m still on there but don’t share as much. Secondly, I don’t defend myself or my choices. Instead, I laugh off their comments as silly. So, for example, with eating I’d just laugh and say ‘don’t be silly, children are supposed to be messy!’. For me, it was usually ‘don’t be silly, he’s not clingy, babies are supposed to want their mums’. If they tried to intervene in person, I say ‘it’s fine, his parent is right here’. I don’t know if that makes sense. I think basically it’s not giving their comments any legitimacy. Sounds like your husband is on side, that might make things a bit easier to manage if he can help too. x

tmc14 · 06/11/2021 07:30

Also, my ILs always say ‘we did this, we did that’. I used to them defend my choices. Now I just smile and keep doing what I do. Or, if it’s things like leaving them to cry, I’ll just say ‘oh that’s not for us’. No further discussion.

tmc14 · 06/11/2021 07:36

Finally (sorry, brain not in gear), figure if you can let some things go to save your sanity if it’s not that often. And if you don’t want to, & they’re still ignoring you, take over! It’s your child. If they’re doing it wrong, just move in between them and say ‘we do it like this’. It’s hard to do if you’re not naturally that person, but it will be much better if you can be forceful about it. Remember you’re advocating for your son.

MOGMOGMOG85 · 07/11/2021 09:20

@tmc14!! I remember you from the rainbow thread (unless I've got the wrong person!) Your baby (girl??) Must be same sort of age as my boy now - he turned one Friday:D how's your little one doing? Xx

Thanks for your advice it is good just to have someone understand what you're saying!

I deleted whatsapp a long time ago after being very hurt by sarky comments, and now have family album which I post pics on but do not reply to comments so there is little interaction. Perhaps I need to delete permissions for family to share photos too as that's how MIL shared pics to jokingly "shame" me for his messy eating.

Today baba was shouting angrily when I went into the kitchen and shut the gate. Father in law asked "what's wrong?" And I said "oh he's angry because I'm in the kitchen and I'm not allowing him in the kitchen right now". "No he's not angry" say both the in laws. Again not a big deal really but it's every little thing that comes out of my mouth is just summarily dismissed. I remembered your advice and just decided to ignore it and reassure myself that I do in fact know my own baby and roll my eyes internally. Anyway 5m later same thing happens down to a t and FIL asks "what's wrong??" As baby boy shouts in frustration, I say he's angry, I'm told he's not angry. This time i decide to simply say "he is my baby, I know him". Then he starts chewing on his hand and they say "oh it's his teeth", which yes his teeth are bothering him, but at the moment in question he was angry to not be allowed in the kitchen. I give up, there's just no winning with some people. I just don't know why its so important to them that everything I say is wrong?? And I just hope beyond hope that if I'm lucky enough to be a granny I will have a shed load more respect for my daughter in law and her relationship to her child.

As I type this now his grandad is playing with him and he is shouting to get through the gate, and grandpa admits quietly "oh you do want to go through the gate" so it's clearly not their powers of observation that are lacking its just that everything I say about MY OWN CHILD must be wrong... so bloody weird isn't it??? Xx

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 07/11/2021 09:30

Do you live with them?

SheWoreYellow · 07/11/2021 09:32

If you don’t trust them to look after him in the way you want, you’ll need to stop leaving him with them.

SeaToSki · 07/11/2021 09:37

Im wondering if rather then them wanting you to be wrong, they just want to be right themselves ifyswim? I know its not a big difference and it is still annoying, but it might come from an insecurity in themselves and they actually see you doing a great job mothering and that sets off their personal lack of self worth, so then they come out with comments.

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/11/2021 09:38

He's one and they think eating shouldn't be messy by now!

One year olds are messy, it's part of the joy they bring you.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 07/11/2021 09:43

I don't understand how your wider family involved with your son's eating daily.

do you live together? do they visit often?
do you not tell them to butt out?

it's unnerving and can be overwhelmed when you don't get support just constant judgement but why do you keep being in a situation where they are allowed to comment?

stop it happening in whichever way you can.

tmc14 · 07/11/2021 21:23

@MOGMOGMOG85 I remember you too :-) yes, my little girl turned one last month. It’s gone by so fast. She’s brilliant, full of opinions and expressions and hilarious to watch. It’s such a fun age. Her eating is hilarious. She’s actually quite neat, until she’s finished, then she’ll just Chuck everything everywhere with a massive grin on her face 🤣
Argh, reading your posts is so much like my in laws. However, they were like this with DC1 (now 4). They have been much better this time, mostly because I’ve been really blunt. I don’t think they quite know how to handle me anymore, but I like it like that. I think they’ve realised that the more they annoy me, the less they see the kids. Not as a punishment, but I’m not going out of my way to spend time with people who treat me badly. With DC1 it was always ‘he doesn’t look hungry/tired/whatever adjective I’d just used’. Telling me what I ‘should’ be doing. Talking as if there’s only one way to do everything and that’s their way. A lot of other bad stuff too that made me feel awful. I really feel for you. In my situation it’s because they are just very controlling people and they are used to getting their own way. It’s really hard but my mum told me I was a mother now, I had to learn to stand up for my baby. Blunt advice, but true. But the easiest option is to minimise the opportunities they have to undermine you. And just sit comfortably knowing you’re the mum, nothing replaces your knowledge and importance. Once I became more comfortable with that, they couldn’t make me feel bad, as I would always be the mum. That might sound ridiculous but reframing the whole thing really helped me take control of the situation. And loads of whinging to friends 🤣

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