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AIBU to leave it all for him when he comes home from school ?
24

Maximum71 · 14/10/2021 09:59

We have 5 kids living at home (they are my stepkids and I treat them like they are my own) for context I also have 2 older children who don't live with us and have families of their own.
Everyone has a job around the house. DH & I both work full time as do the 3 older kids. We also have a cleaner one day a week.
The 12 yr olds task is to empty the dishwasher every morning- and every morning without fail he cries and whinges whilst manhandling the glasses etc into the cupboards..
This morning he cried (as per) that he didn't have time to empty it. When I came back downstairs he had done the top half only and had left for school. His sister asked him last night did he prefer to unload yesterday evening but he said he'd rather do it in the morning.
In the meantime the washing up has built up and will build up more throughout the day as I'm unable to fill the dishwasher.
Am I being mean to leave it for him to unload and then reload when he comes home? I feel like he needs to experience the consequences of his actions. In general he will try to get out of doing anything to help out in the house.

Am I am mean (step)mum : YABU
Normal (step)mum: YANBU

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2lsinllama · 14/10/2021 10:07

YANBU - have the same issue with 13 year old DS. Got so bad a week or so ago that I said I was unable to get the tea as there were no clean pots. He has been a bit better since then but I think it will always be a bit of a battle. But it’s not a big ask and I think everyone should help around the house.

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Maximum71 · 14/10/2021 18:09

My plan didn't work- he decided by his own accord to go to his friends house and stay for tea.. and also my daughter had said I shouldn't leave it for him ConfusedWink so I sucked it up and did it myself lol

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Maximum71 · 14/10/2021 18:10

@2lsinllama that's my mindset too.. it's bloody hard work enforcing it though isn't it! πŸ˜‚

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2lsinllama · 14/10/2021 18:13

The thought of no dinner was enough of a kick up the bum for him. DH has often threatened to turn off the WiFi but we have never gotten to that stage - yet!

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Knifeandfawkes · 14/10/2021 18:16

YANBU, what on earth is he crying about, he's 12 FGS!

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PlanDeRaccordement · 14/10/2021 18:18

Give him a different chore? Or do a rota?
Household chores always worked by cooperation and consensus with my DC. They had a say in which jobs they had and when.

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Obsidiansphere · 14/10/2021 18:21

Change his task and see if that helps.

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londonmummy1966 · 14/10/2021 18:24

At the weekend leave his laundry and tell him he has to do his own that weekend (or will have no clean school uniform). Explain to him that the house runs by everyone doing their share of the chores. If he won't do his to help you then you won't do the chores you'd normally do to help him. Bit brutal but he'll have the whole weekend to sort himself out. Often with teenagers and chores the realisation that adults can opt out of chores too brings them to a more reasonable frame of mind pretty quickly.

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Marmelace · 14/10/2021 18:28

I'd insist he does it in the evening before he has his own time, ie screens etc Morning is notorious for my sons being grumpy buggers. I have to have dishes done, kitchen tidy in morning before breakfast is consumed. You are not being unreasonable at all, everyone in our house joins in the chores.

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Marmelace · 14/10/2021 18:30

Also, I find getting them all to do a chore at the same time helps. No chilling out till everything is sorted.

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hairybakers · 14/10/2021 18:40

He should do it in the evening

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Brollywasntneededafterall · 14/10/2021 18:43

If my teens refuse to do expected chores then tea is a self service one..

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2lsinllama · 14/10/2021 19:17

DS has just done the dishwasher and put a load of clothes in without me nagging! Wonder what he’s after? πŸ˜‚

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RandomMess · 14/10/2021 19:44

I would switch when it washes so it's ready to be unloaded by 9pm and turning off his access to the WiFi should encourage compliance...

Most teens don't do mornings tbf

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LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 14/10/2021 19:47

J cannot believe you caved so fast. It should have all been left and he had to unload and then load.

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Maximum71 · 15/10/2021 09:16

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn
I couldn't cook dinner for me and DH and the other DSS.. didn't really have a choice.
He actually did unload it without crying this morning.... so starting to feel hopeful..

DH says for me to put it on immediately after dinner too.. I'll try that - maybe it's just me thats a morning person .. lol

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Maximum71 · 15/10/2021 09:17

@Knifeandfawkes
I know.. but he has had a tough time when he was smaller.. it's his way of expressing his powerlessness I think..

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Knifeandfawkes · 15/10/2021 10:58

Ah poor boy, I can relate to that. I guess at 12 though, to equip him for the future he needs to start working on his emotional regulation and resilience....a trait teenagers are well-known for Grin

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Maximum71 · 15/10/2021 14:08

@Knifeandfawkes haha thanks - yeah very true
Xx

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Maximum71 · 15/10/2021 14:14

@londonmummy1966
Haha he would happily go dirty and stinky to school. He does not not care if I do his washing or not. I am waiting for the day that another child tells him he smells. (But would that be seen as bullying? So likely no child would say that..) He would happily wear the same school shirt and same underwear 2 weeks in a row.. he is the dirtiest child I've ever had LOL! But he is also the most charming one and the most hilarious one when he feels like it.. and he is so polite to other parents.. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜³ swings and roundabouts..

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HollowTalk · 15/10/2021 14:28

@Maximum71

My plan didn't work- he decided by his own accord to go to his friends house and stay for tea.. and also my daughter had said I shouldn't leave it for him ConfusedWink so I sucked it up and did it myself lol

Your daughter didn't offer to do it herself, then?
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Maximum71 · 15/10/2021 18:59

@HollowTalk
No - but I'm all fairness she'd cleared up and loaded the dishwasher after the 14 year old had made pasta from scratch - you can imagine what a blooming flour battlefield that was.. 😭
But if you cook at our house - you don't have to wash up (I'm the exception to the rule lol)
And she'd completed her tasks (2 bathrooms cleaned)

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THOSEcobwebsareDECOR · 17/10/2021 08:34

Yanbu for making him do it but i would make it an evening job

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Cattitudes · 17/10/2021 08:44

But if you cook at our house - you don't have to wash up (I'm the exception to the rule lol)

I have done away with that rule in our house because no one tidies up when I have done the cooking and I can't abide all the multiple pans generated when some people cook, along with empty packets left on the side. The rule now is you cook, you wash/ tidy up. Anyone who suggests otherwise is left in no doubt that it is better that way because otherwise they will have to wash up after me and I cook most days.

Lurking for tips on getting a reluctant 12 yr old to do chores. If WiFi is off he just reads.

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