Cannot get idea of having a 3rd out of my head

[MummyDeux]

I posted on here when my children were 3 and 1 and decided I wouldn’t go with a third but since then I still toy with the idea. They’re now 5 and 3 and ideally I would’ve wanted 2 year gap between the youngest and baby to get school out the way together but every time I see families with 3 children or hear about someone having a third (which I’ve had a few of this weekend) my heart pangs. I really cannot face another pregnancy, birth and newborn stage though and family life would be disrupted. We’d need a new car, house is ok but would probably be better to have more space though we plan to move anyway. I think about adopting as an alternative. I know the 9 months + 6 months goes quickly but seriously, I don’t look forward to that part. But I do really want a 3rd, I can’t get it out my head. I feel guilty like I should just be happy with my 2 and I am, I have a boy and a girl so what more do I need. But when I see them together I think about how it would be with 3 of them playing. I know there’s a lot of posts on here with people having the same dilemma. Husband and I have always wanted a larger family but we’re now 40 and 42 so another reason why we put off having a third. The question remains tho, what to do

Bumping for you OP, as we were about to start trying for a third and then I had a wobble.

I want a third just, but pregnancy and labour and that first year is putting me off. But then in the long term all I can see is three adult children. So can't quite let go of the idea.

Do it OP. I think you would regret it if you don’t.

No advice but I feel the same. DH is less keen though so that's stopping us for now although he hasn't ruled it out.

I actually don't mind the pregnancy/newborn stage but not a fan of the younger toddler age.

I feel very envious when I see pregnancy announcements.

How does your DH feel? I've never regretted having 3, but 2 would certainly be easier. Once they're older and have lots of activities, two parents can't be in three places at once. You need a bigger car than you would otherwise. Package holidays are nearly all designed for a family of four. Etc. Etc. But I love my little DD3 and couldn't imagine our family without her

@MummyDeux
Did you get any closer to a decision?

Similar dilemma over here so wondering with interest!

No! Though I had a conversation with friends on Friday and it made me think maybe I should be happy with what I have. I’ve turned 40 in that time so I think about age, also there’s the fact I sold all the baby stuff and my two get on so well and the youngest starts school next Sept so feel I’d really be going back now. I think it’s something I’m going to have to live with…

@Rosebud2016 forgot to tag you in my reply! ⬆️ Hope you make a decision you’re at peace with 🙂

I was desperate for a third. Came to a final decision that it just wouldn't be possible and I was really upset about it. I eventually came to terms with it and then I was actually relieved. My youngest was 6 by then and felt like we were just getting a but of a life back, queue lockdown and a fuck uo with my contraception (my fault) and number 3 is now here. She is the best thing ever (apart from my first to obviously). I would say do it.

I'd love a third, but I don't feel ready to go through with the newborn stage and by the time I am it will be too late. Xx

I understand op although I found the pregnancy and newborn stage so so much easier second time so a third should be ok. It passes so quickly.
I can't help but notice that around me it's mostly 1-2 children families so it makes me wonder if 3 is unusual?

@MummyDeux Ah thanks so much for the update. You are a year ahead of me as mine are 4 & 2, and I’m yet to part with a single baby item. Our loft is rammed!

I’m 37, but DH is 44, so I also feel age is playing a significant factor in the seeming urgency of the decision (in my head!)

But something that struck me in your reply was the “I’m going to have to live with it” comment. I might have this wrong but…..It sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that you don’t want another when you still do really. This struck a chord with me as I think that’s what I’m doing; trying to magnify all the negatives in the hope that it’ll switch off my desire.
The decision feels almost impossible to make with a level head- I seem to veer from one side to the other totally erratically! It’s the classic head versus heart dilemma.
Hopefully one day (soon!) I’ll have the answer x

@Rosebud2016 You’re 100%! I am convincing myself. But I just can’t face the pregnancy and newborn stage again plus the fact I’ve sold my baby stuff is a real bomber and I always had in my head by 40. I will say though if I was 37 with a 4 and 2 year old (and all my baby stuff 😄) I would so go for it! That’s a nice age gap between them. I think it’s ok for men being older, a few of my friends partners are in their late 40s with toddlers. I don’t think you'll regret it. The desire is there for a reason.

I'm in a similar position. I have a 6 year old and nearly 2 year old. Both me and DH have talked extensively about having a 3rd. I move from wanting another to accepting it's best not to on an almost daily basis.

We had made a decision that in January when DD2 is 2 we would just stop using contraception for a year and see what happens. However I then start thinking about the cost of childcare for another 3 years, potentially moving house (currently in a 3 bed) and impact on my eldest as she is that bit older.
It's so hard to know what to do and I'm a planner not a spur of the moment kind of person.

@MummyDeux Stop encouraging me!

We will see. I’m hoping time will bring clarity and perspective. Sometimes I do wonder if it’s more just me not wanting to let go of the baby and toddler years. The more I think about it, the more confused I become.

I hope you find peace and happiness in the decision you make. Something tells me you may still do a bit of toing and froing in the coming months too!

I think age is a consideration. I have three friends who've all had different types of significant problems with their third baby - may be age related maybe not but it brings home how you roll the dice each time and you don't know what you're going to get.

I know what you mean, I am one of three and I appreciate having two siblings. I like the idea of three adult children. But I don't think my body and mental health would survive another pregnancy, birth and first year!

Adopting is NOT the easy option, depending on age of the child I think you have to basically not see anyone else for a long time. And your child may have a number of difficulties that may not be resolvable. I think you really need to want to adopt, not just want another child.

Good luck with what you decide.

I do really want a third

It sounds like you know what you want.

Maybe it would help to come up with a pros and cons list. Even if you end up with a huge cons list and a single pro "I really want to", it can still show you more clearly what you want, and what you're worried about.
With a list like this, it can also help to then try and come up with ways you could try to make it easier for yourself to deal with each item in the con list for the pregnancy and newborn stage.

Did you learn things from the last two times that will help, like how to feed, strategies to try and get better sleep, anything like that that can help?

For what it’s worth - I felt the same as you - thought I really wanted a 3rd but my DH didn’t so we stuck at 2. I’m actually now relieved we didn’t. Life is already so busy and full now they’re a bit older but I still have some time for my own hobbies and interests. I’d have been so much more stretched with 3. Just wanted to say not everyone regrets having a 3rd

But equally I think if you did have another I doubt you’d regret it. I know quite a few families who had unplanned 3rd children and wouldn’t be without them now. Difficult decision! Pros and cons with either decision. But ultimately I think whatever you do, it’s likely that you’ll eventually view it as having been the right decision

I would personally stick with 2. I also wanted a 3rd.. but decided I'd do childcare for a baby instead and that cured me. I'm 50 now and so happy with my decision to just have 2 children xx

@LivesinLondon2000 agree with you as well! X

Thanks @Maximum71
@LivesinLondon2000 I think you’re right either way I’d see it that way. I think I am leaning toward sticking at 2… @tometouterus noted on the adoption, you’re spot on with ‘ I think you really need to want to adopt, not just want another child’ that really made me think.