How am I going to cope?

[GopherBroke]

Please, please be kind. I am really struggling.

I am nearly 36 weeks pregnant with DC4. It was planned. My eldest two are with my ex partner and DC3 is with my husband so this will be our second child together. DH is an amazing dad and supportive husband.

We went back and forward quite a bit about whether to have 1 more but ultimately we were told last year the chances were slim after I developed a gynaecological issue. It shocked us both and we decided to just try because it made us realise we did want one last baby.

Well surprisingly, it happened really quickly and now I am a month away from my EDD. I am panicking so much. I don’t know how on Earth we will cope with 4 and I don’t feel anything towards my unborn baby. I feel like I’m just dreading the arrival of this poor baby, who deserves better.

I feel like we just panicked and rushed into a decision and now I feel sure we’ve made a huge mistake. Financially we will manage but I feel so stretched by the 3 we have, more so now than ever before.

DH is so excited for the baby and keeps telling me we’ll be fine but all I can think is we will bring this baby home, chaos will ensue and I will have a mental breakdown. I’m worried I’ll not bond with the baby as currently I have no desire to. I want it to all go away. I just wish we hadn’t rushed into a decision. We’re already getting judgemental comments about the size of our family and environmental impact etc. It’s all just adding to my anxiety and I’m finding myself crying most days and not sleeping.

I feel so guilty for feeling like this. The baby didn’t ask to be conceived and I know they deserve a mother who loves them.

I'm sorry OP. How old are your other children? Can you talk to your midwife and get some support before the baby is born? I'm not in this position, but I will say I have a good friend who had number 4 two years ago and seeing how he's slotted into their family is delightful. The other children love him, she says that she just had to shift her approach with how much she gets done but its been fine. Her husband is also really hands on.

I think it sounds like a lot of the issues are with your own uncertainty, and then other people's comments are playing into that. I think it must be helpful to talk through with someone else, and think about what supports you can put in place. Don't feel sorry for the baby: its clear that you do feel love for them, even if you dnt' feel bonded as you're already feeling bad they won't get what they deserve. Pre-natal anxiety is real, and there are people who can help you with this.

Thank you for replying. My older children are 9,7 and 4.

DH is so supportive and I know he will do anything he can to make the transition from 3 to 4 as easy as it can be for me.

I’m a bit worried about speaking to my midwife because although she’s nice enough she’s not very approachable. I’ve had no contact from the health visitor since my youngest was a tiny baby, they’ve not been in touch at all regarding this baby.

I just feel like I’m constantly regretting our decision to try again. In hindsight it feels so stupid of us when we have such a good routine with 3. The thought of night feeds starting all over again just feels completely overwhelming.

I have four, my eldest was ten days off her 6th birthday when my youngest was born. Honestly, you’ll be fine. The older ones are able to help out and get their own drinks etc and it won’t be long before they head to senior school and become really independent. I found 4 felt more “balanced” than 3 and they naturally gravitated into different pairings over the years. Mine are 23, 21, 19 and 17 now. It’s such fun x

@GopherBroke - First of all congratulations and good luck with the new baby! Large families are a blessing in my opinion. And it sounds like you have a really good setup with supportive DH and older DC.

Please ignore rude comments from other people. It's your life and your decision - if you're raising your children to be decent, kind and responsible people, they will look after the environment - as lots of young people do nowadays.

Think about what a lovely support network you're building for yourself and for your children in the future. Think what great bond there will be between all of you. Think about Christmases and family dinners with all of you, your children's children etc.

I would love to be in your position and hope to get to 4 DC eventually (I've got 2 as it stands ). Honestly, hearing other people's stories - when you've already got 3, the 4th tend to slot in easily.

And your bond with the baby will come, don't worry. Your hormones will take care of that once you have this tiny little human in your arms.

All the best, hope it all goes well for you guys xx

Thank you all for your kind words. Unfortunately things just seem to be getting worse. I left the house last night with the intention of not coming back however my DH told me he’d have to call the police if I didn’t agree to come back because he was worried.

I’ve become convinced my children are going to die. So much so I don’t want to hold or even look at this baby when it is born. I’ve told my husband i want to ask for a csection so I don’t have to hold the baby after. I don’t want to form an attachment because it’ll just make it worse when it does die.

I feel so alone and that no one believes me. I feel like such a burden on my DH because I can’t function and everything falls to him. I’m scared of getting post partum psychosis.

I just don’t want any of this.

If you don't have a good relationship with your midwife could you go to your GO and ask to be referred to your local perinatal mental health team? They have lots of interventions for helping you to bond with baby etc

OP you need to discuss this with your midwife or GP urgently. You will cope fine but I think you need some professional support and quickly. I'm sure if you get that, everything will be ok, honestly.

I’m really scared to talk to anyone about it. I don’t want to be referred to social services.

I just don’t know how to even broach it with anyone.

I have no idea how to help, but I want to ...

Keep posting, I'm listening and I'm sure someone who can actually help will be along soon. You're not alone

It’s highly unlikely they’ll refer you to social services. I felt similarly with my second. Had a definite plan to kill myself immediately after his birth. There is great help out there. Please ask
Your midwife or GP or call 111 or go to A and E. they all can help you.

Congratulation on the baby! I hope it goes well for you and everything turns out how you want life to go. 💖💐 sometimes you have to go through the storm and come out the other end better than before, really hope it goes well for you op. I had this feeling a few years back but I promise it did get better and I wouldn't wish for no different now xx good luck x x

Please ask for help in the ways suggested above. I had serious MH issues during pregnancy and was under the care of a psychiatrist along with perinatal MH team. Their priority will be to support you and look after you and your baby. Please don’t worry about being judged or SS getting involved.

@Hoowhoowho

It’s highly unlikely they’ll refer you to social services. I felt similarly with my second. Had a definite plan to kill myself immediately after his birth. There is great help out there. Please ask Your midwife or GP or call 111 or go to A and E. they all can help you.

Thank you. This is exactly how i feel. I think about wrapping the baby up in a particular blanket I picked out and leaving them in the hospital while I leave to kill myself.

It’s reassuring to know you had a plan but didn’t carry it out. I hope you are well now.

I think you need to go talk to your GP lovely, you are really suffering and they can help. They’ve seen lots of people going through this exact same situation before, and know how to help them get to the other side and a happy life again where you are not having these distressing thoughts.

How are you feeling now?

This is very sad and alarming to read. It's not your fault - you're already ill - but you do have to get help.

I had the most horrendous ante natal depression. It's very serious and also utterly treatable. Talk to a medical person. My GP was lovely. It's most common in women who've had some problem with getting pregnant or who've had miscarriages. Sometimes it develops into post natal depression, but not always. Mine lifted magically the moment DD was born, but it had already improved dramatically from talking to the doctor and getting emergency mental health support. There was no talk of social services at all. Talking to your GP or midwife immediately is absolutely the best thing to do.

Oh op, I really feel for you.

Ante natal depression is a definite thing and is becoming more widely known. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you are ill. Please seek help and advice as a matter of urgency :

www.nct.org.uk/pregnancy/how-you-might-be-feeling/antenatal-or-prenatal-depression-signs-symptoms-and-support

There are some anti-depressants you can take during pregnancy too. Best of luck to you

I'm so sorry you feel like this but it's also completely normal in some cases. I remember being told this by my sister in law that she just wanted to get in the car and drive away from it all. At the time I thought how awful....

Then I had my own, it was very traumatic and I suffered for months after mentally. Just didn't feel good enough and that everyone would be better off without me.... seems ridiculous now, but in the moment it's so real it completely consumes your every thought.

You are not alone, you are not the first person to feel like this and there is support if you need it. Everyone just assumes women are designed to do this so you will be ok, but just because you have had other children doesn't mean you aren't allowed to feel like this, on top of a crazy COVID year!

I was referred to a place called 'The House of Light' which specialises in antenatal and post natal depression. It took all of my strength to go but it helped me see that things will get better.

pndsupport.co.uk

Honestly please give it a try, it might not be for you but it's mostly women who have been in the position you are in and it's nice to just let it all out so you feel like you can breathe again.

Sending love xx

Hi I’m just wondering how you’re doing now