Three kids can't cope

[NorthLondonmum83]

Please can someone tell me it gets easier? I have a 20 month old, 4 year old and five year old and I'm struggling. Really struggling. Thinking some quite crazy stuff lately like - if I got sick and wasn't around they'd be better off without me (no intention of doing anything, just an indication of how dark it's all getting).
My toddler is next level exhausting - doesn't sleep much day or night and I feel like I pretty much have no time for my older kids. I've never been so tired. My husband works really long hours and I don't have family around.
I've started to send him to nursery in the mornings as I run my own business - but even with a few hours off I'm still in pieces by the end of the day.
Love him with all my heart but I just keep thinking - I was a good parent to two kids, I haven't the energy for three. I'm cranky, tired and feel like I'm failing at it all tbh

I felt just the same when I had 2 4 yo and a baby. It does get easier - so much easier. They are now 11 and 5 and I have pretty much got much of my life back. Hang in there - when the older ones got to 8 things really improved! X

Every family is different. I don't think stories that in a couple of years it will be easier are going to help you. You need help now. Lack of sleep is a killer. It will literally drive you insane.

My advice get a sleep nanny in and get the toddler's sleep sorted.

Honestly, I think if you were getting a decent night sleep most nights you would feel 100 times better.

Also can you say do 3 full days rather then 5 mornings. I use to find mornings at nursery not particularly helpful. By the time you've cleaned away breakfast stuff, chucked some laundry on it's time to get them.

Could you also look for a Mother's help in the afternoon/evenings so you can spend some time with the other 2. This time of year is perfect to find students who want a job before heading off to university (they may also help you in the holidays).

Thank you! I think what's upsetting me is not just that it's hard, although it's hard - I suppose I expected it to be hard. It's the feeling that I'm now just so flipping bad at it. That I'm losing patience and they are suffering from having someone grumpy and stretched so thin in charge of them!

Thanks Tower - I had someone briefly a while ago and didn't work out due to covid. I should probably revisit that!

I guarantee you are not bad at this. The fact you are posting shows you care and love your children and want the best for them. I also guarantee your children love you.

Your not alone, been a misery here too :) As pp said when littlest gets older things will be easier, just keep trudging in forward one wash load at a time thats what Im telling myself.

My third and youngest barely slept until he was nearly 3 - my eldest was 5 when he was born, so a slightly but not much bigger gap than you. Yes, it gets easier. My youngest is ten now and its incredibly easy. It started getting easier once he started sleeping, or rather once he could understand that it was ok to be awake on his own a little bit (put on his audiobook, look at books, until he fell asleep). I did tell him that I need sleep otherwise I'd break when he was nearly 3 which I'm not proud of but he understood in his way and it helped - he's always been a lovely little boy and wanted to do the right thing.

I was actually physically falling apart from sleep deprivation at one point - its the non sleeping little one combined with older ones needing their school and preschooler routines etc and having such different needs to the little one, meaning no down time, no duvet days like you can have when you only have the first two tinies close in age and both of whom still consider a cbeebies morning with cookies after a broken night a treat

You'll get through it - I ironically feel ten (or twenty) years younger now my youngest is ten than I did when he was 2!

We’re in a similar position , it will get easier, I had 3 kids under 5 at one point and felt just like you ( shattered and felt like a rubbish mum !) then a friend told me look your kids are fed in clean clothes and loved so your doing a great job , be kind to yourself your doing an amazing job and most of all you care and love your kids, everything else will just fall into place and settle with time xxx

Some kids are harder than others and sleep deprivation is not a joke.
Just because someone else handled 3 with ease doesn’t mean that you should. Just because someone else handled 1 with ease doesn’t mean they would have lasted a week caring for my amazing, but challenging newborn dd without cracking.

Something has to give. You need more child care hours or more help with chores or a defined break where you are off the clock and not allowed to do anything but relax. You and your husband need to sit down and make a plan that eases things for you. One adjustment may not be enough, but don’t give up. The kids will get older and it will get easier and in the meantime, you keep trying to survive, but don’t ever think that it’s because you are the problem.

Hi @NorthLondonmum83
I'm just wondering how you are getting on now? I know this is an old thread but I'm in the same boat, 3 eldest 5 and youngest 8 months...2.5yo in the middle and I feel like I'm drowning. Completely feel like they would be better with someone else who doesn't start snapping and shouting. Feel like I hate myself. I have a shit relationship with my parents and I'm so so scared this is heading the same way as I'm so burnt out all the time

@Alittlelost0 I came onto mumsnet for exactly the same reason today. Finding my 3 very intense at the moment. Mine are 2, 5 and 7.
Very overwhelming and exhausting at the moment.
The highs and lows of parenting. I have nothing left to give at the moment

Hi @nuggles sorry to hear you're struggling too. I think I just didn't get a break at all as I was on my own all last weekend, husband is hardly ever home from work for bedtime, baby still wakes up multiple times... I totally get the feeling of having nothing left for them. Fed up looking like shit too.
Do you have any help from family or friends at all?

I have a 5, 3 and 1 year old and feel just like you do somedays. I'm so much more shouty and stressed than I was with two. At the moment I feel like were just getting by, my main thing that when I feel myself shouting at them and losing my temper I always say sorry - I explain I'm tired and it isn't their fault, that I'm not cross with them. It helps our relationship when I'm not the parent I want to be.

On a day to day level, can you cut down your work a little or stretch to an extra afternoon in nursery to give yourself a bit of time to just sit down and relax?

Thank you for your reply @ZebraKid71 I do the exact same. I always apologise and explain how I'm trying my best but sometimes I'm tired and get impatient. I'm glad to hear that you think it helps the relationship. Here's hoping! 🤞
I don't work but obviously have all of the house stuff to do, I do everything house, paperwork (we just moved country) kids, school etc...
Two year old and baby at home with me 24/7 so no nursery but aiming for 2 yo to go to preschool in September!

Yes totally with you there @Alittlelost0 on fed up of looking crap all the time.
I don't have family nearby except for the inlaws. They sometimes help out once every few weeks which is good as they get time with the kids.
Do you have anyone around to help?
Today has been a nightmare and it's getting to both my husband and I. He's so fed up of constant with kids that he hid himself away for the evening - not helpful for me but guess we all need our space time to time.
Do you get any break at all?

How is everybody on this thread doing now? I’m 3 children deep, ages 5, 2 and 5 months old and I honestly feel like I’m drowning. Today for example I have sat sobbing because I genuinely feel like such a terrible mum. I snap all the time, I’m so burnt out by the end of the day and genuinely always feel like I’ve got the flu, my whole body aches from looking after them all day. Partner is out the house at work from 8 until just after 5, he is a very hands on dad and I feel really lucky but I am still desperately struggling.

I feel like we’re just on survival mode, too much screen time and too many snacks. 🥴 Please please PLEAASE tell me it gets easier.

@C0l3tt you have a 5 month old, I found that one of the hardest ages however many kids I had. And overall three kids is a lot and that is an intense set of ages, so try not to be too hard on yourself. At that stage it's about getting through each day and it will get easier. Not easy, but easier. Mine are 5, 9 and 11 now and we can do so much more, so much more easily than we used to. But I still feel stretched thin most days, as there is so much emotion and need that three children can produce. But I definitely had days when they were younger when I googled, three kids, can't cope, and said to my husband that I felt like a piece of cling film. Already thin and vulnerable and just being stretched thinner and thinner to breaking point. Is there any relief you can get, mother's help, or I guess your 5 year old is at school? Sorry, no great suggestions, but sending solidarity. I wouldn't change it for the world but it is hard work.