Help managing new large family

[Madwife123]

We’ve never been a large family as we only have 1 DD however we have recently taken on 3 foster children after a family member had their children taken into care and become a large family overnight.

We adore these children and really want to make it work but we are STRUGGLING!

The endless washing. The mixing up of whose clothes are who’s. Remembering who has PE on what day or where the things are etc.

Can those who have large families please give me your top tips for organising etc. to try and help gain control of this situation.

Thanks

Get a family calendar which will help with which child is doing what each day.

I don’t have a large family but wanted to say well done for taking on the kids and enabling them to stay together. As for organisation a few thoughts. Family calendar or big whiteboard on the wall in the kitchen. Write everyones name in their clothes with a sharpie like with school uniform maybe. Buy everyone multiple pairs of the same coloured socks so no worries about matching up. More than one washing basket and designated people to use each so it narrows owners down when the washing is done Good luck

Being organised is key here. So I have a large family whiteboard that I have everyone's names in and what activity is in what day, then the night before I make sure everything is together so book bags/back packs etc. Correct uniform out. I do at least 1 load of laundry and day, if not 2 and the knowing who's clothes are who's just comes eventually. The only other suggestion would be to use different wash baskets for each person and do child 1s laundry on a monday, child 2 on Tuesday etc.
I also use my slow cooker a lot as I can make large meals with minimal effort which leaves me time to do other things.

It won’t help with laundry . But these people give advice to kinship carers in England ( sorry don’t know where you live ).

frg.org.uk/get-help-and-advice/

Week to view family planner, with space for each child and another line for family/adult commitments. Put everything on it. PE days, extra lessons, contact visit, social worker visits, pizza and popcorn movie night, etc.

Will help the children as well as you; they will be able to see that things are happening and that you’ve got it under control (even if you think you’re just putting out the fires not dealing with volcano underneath).

Washing - a load as soon as they are in bed, and another one first thing in the morning, soggy bedsheets a priority (and add a capful of zoflora into the wash if you’ve lots of soggy bedding, really helps deal with it still on a relatively quick wash not the three hour cycle). Tumble dryer if you don’t already have one.

Whose clothes are whose? Especially with uniforms - easy2name stick on labels (other brands exist, they’re just the ones I know!). No sewing, no ironing just unpeel and stick into the clothes label or shoe insole, etc. Socks are trickier but we go for if it fits it’s yours. Appreciate that’s not for everyone, another option is to buy each child a 5 pack slightly different (tricky with school socks but for girls, one white pair with butterflies, one with hearts, etc., boys maybe try for coloured toe and heel or one set grey, one set black.

Routine is key. The children may have been in a pretty chaotic situation, and they will attempt to recreate that in order to feel safe. But for your own sanity, try to find a routine that works for you and stick to it.

School dinners very useful. And have a plan for after school to stop it descending into chaos. You’ll find out what works best for you. Here, it’s super delicious easy snack as soon as we get in, then tv or garden until tea and a relatively early bedtime. Other people walk home the long way round and go for a big decompress in the park before heading home (I’d have snacks ready to give out at the school gates in that case).

You may find having a meal plan helps - will reassure them food is coming and that you’re on top of it. For some that’s as basic as “sausages tonight” but others will go for a fully planned week - whatever works best for you.

And try if you can to find a few minutes 1:1 with each child. Could just be grabbing one to help you fold laundry or taking another to the corner shop to help with the bags.

Keep a basic diary somewhere - I use my phone. Write down the things they say about their family life before coming to you, in their own words, and keep it dated. The good and bad. Also record behaviour or significant events during the day. It’ll all help social services build up a picture of the children’s needs going forwards.

And try to find something nice to do with your child whilst the others are at contact, give them the space and permission to express how they’re feeling about it all too.

Good luck!

Organisation is key! And a good family planner diary/wall chart

Get one that has a column for each person

I have 3 children under 5 including a set of twins and a husband who may as well be classed as a 4th child 🤣 and I work full time

Set reminders in your phone for things like forms/appointments to book etc

Batch cooking and meal planning is a must

Tumble dryer is a must

Get a laundry basket that is already split into 3 - Argos has one for £14 - so they are already divided into colours / darks / whites so you can just load the washing machine without having to sort through one massive pile of dirty clothes for the white t shirts

Get the clothes labels you iron in instead of sew - that was a game changer!

Multi coloured post it notes - I have them stuck everywhere if something pops in my head and then I update the planner

Socks - get days of the week ones 🤣

Set school clothes out the night before

Try and get the children into a routine of helping you - make them put their own clothes in the wash basket, shoes into a shoe storage (look at the ones in IKEA called Trones and label them for each child. Same with coat hooks - colour coded ones. Water bottles for school with their initials on. If school does school meals and you can afford them over packed lunch then sign up to it - so much less stressful now I don't have to think about doing lunch boxes

Oh - and social services may have forgotten to tell you they can pay you an allowance to help with costs. Hopefully they’ve mentioned it but just in case it slipped their minds...

Make a routine and stick to it the best you can. Do the entire process (wash, dry, fold, put away) of at least one load of laundry every day. Do you have children of the same sex in the same size etc? You will just learn who's clothes are who's in time and divide out into each persons pile of clothes as you're folding. Uniforms can be named.

School mornings will be easier if you get organised the night before, get underwear and uniform out each night and put in the same place - on top of drawers, in a designated box etc. Get PE kits, bottles, lunch boxes, shoes, coats etc ready the night before too. Have a designated place to put letters and appointment/clubs info like in the fridge, and use a family planner calendar.

Make a meal plan for the week, along with packed lunches and snacks. Shop online and check off your meal plan as you shop. Cook meals that can easily just be made in a larger portion - chili, bolognaise, shepherd's pie, curry, chicken and rice etc.

You will get settled, its just practice and routine.

3DC, single, student. I have ADHD and have a child with ASD/ADHD. Here’s what helps me/us:

• Every child has their own colour/pattern of socks/pants here

• LABEL EVERYTHING TWICE

• Kallax unit, I labelled the boxes with their names, uniform gets folded up and put in them, separate from usual clothes

• At least one load of laundry per day

• Food - we have a rotating menu, I’m gluten free, youngest DD is dairy free

If I think of more later I’ll come back!

• Frozen jacket potatoes are an essential here

• School dinners are compulsory because I do not have time or the money frankly to faff around with packed lunches

Congratulations and well done OP.
We have coat hooks at child level inside the front door-2 double hooks for each child - coat, bag, pe kit, lunch box and a shoe rack underneath. A big whiteboard calendar above that with everyone's activities/pe/lunches etc for the week. I have a washing basket especially for uniforms. I blitz it all once a week so everyone has a full set for each day ready by Monday morning (all kept in a large cheat of drawers-one drawer of uniform per child) (large capacity washer and dryer essential!), I gave up ironing and only but stuff that looks ok not ironed! i have name stickers with only our last name (which is unusual) so if it fits it's good to go! I use my work calendar to remind of Dr, dentist, parties etc. I try to regularly and ruthlessly sort out toys and clothes And send to charity shop or pop in attic, as I feel overrun otherwise!

Thank you all so so much! Some great ideas here!

I’ve just ordered a wash basket that splits into 4 and a family wall planner. That will be a great start.

The washing is the bane of my life right now. The foster children are 3 boys aged 6, 7 and 9 so very similar clothes in very similar sizes. 1 is autistic and VERY particular about their own things so getting them mixed up has caused some distress and they are all very possessive over their property having not owned much previously so the separate baskets and washing separately is genius!

@SilenceOfThePrams We are getting the fostering allowance thank you. Social services did ‘forget’ for the first 2 weeks funnily enough. We couldn’t physically afford to take them in without assistance. It’s not going to make me rich but it will keep a roof over our heads at least.

Next purchase on my list is a slow cooker. I work full time so that will be a life saver to put food on on the morning and be ready when I get home.

11 dc here. I only iron school uniforms.. Wash /dry /fold.
Get the dc to help pair socks. Odd ones they get 10p a pair found!
Big IKEA storage for shoes and school bags /PE bags.
Coat hooks in all bedrooms.
Own colour towel.

Slow cooker is great!

Glad you have the allowances - are you also getting DLA for the one with autism? If someone else is already claiming it you can call to get it moved to you. Don’t mean to sound mercenary and it’s certainly not all about the money, but if you have a bit extra you can use it for eg to pay someone to come in and sort the laundry

Lay school uniform out the day before. With bags and gym kit sorted. Make this part of the kids routine as they go to bed (aka they help find it)

I did lunch boxes i didnt mind it. They got made the day before after dinner ready to go next day as did water bottles.

Lay breakfast table the night before cereal , bowls, spoons, cups, glasses, butter knife out so when you get up next day all you need is milk/ juice out and toast made (tea for you) and you are ready to go. Make it part of the kids routine they tidy up what they used.

We had an alarm that went off 30 mins before we needed to be out the door. The kids knew it was then time to finish bfast dress get shoes on and off we went.

We had a strict no TV rule in the morning when they were that age.

When they returned from school the routine was they empty their bags for any paper I needed fro. School (before school went paperless) they tidy their coats and shoes and bags away and they empty their lunch boxes ( that one i was strict kn as I hate the smell of lunch boxes)

In short make routines that forces the children to take part in being a large family and cuts out stresses. Mine are older now and these days I smile thinking about thei ready set table and the laid out school clothes memory. Back them it saved my sanity.

Oh and buy a slowcooker cookbook. Cooking with one is different to what many thinks and its easy to get delicious flavourful dinner with one if you know how.

Hint from a boarding school.
Use named a large zipped mesh bags for laundry. If you need to laundry can be washed, tumble dried and returned in these.
Give children simple jobs to do. This will help them feel control and pride. It will also help you long term.
For example every child can have a curver style box to put their school bag, kits and so on in. It is there responsibility to put everything in.
Pack the car the night before. Put in school bags and anything else you can such as forest school kit. Keep a stash of bottle water, pound coins for charity day, a spare waterproof coat, towel and plastic bag in the car. This covers when things get forgotten or in case of the towel and bag dirty and wet.
Keep a simple first aid kit upstairs, downstairs in the car. Make sure the children know what is dangerous in your house and how to ask for help.
These children might not automatically know this last set.

Keep a stash of birthday cards and presents for when one of them is suddenly invited to a birthday with no notice.

Can they keep their PE kit at school? When mine were at primary, we just got the stinky PE kits back to wash every half term.
School dinners. Are LAC entitled to FSM?

I like the idea of the mesh bags

Don’t let your Dd get swallowed up. It will be a massive adjustment for her too

We all had our own “colour” and every pair of tights, knickers etc had a blob of that colour on the label or a stitch of thread so it was instantly identifiable as whose it was.

I too get overwhelmed with laundry etc and I only have 3. But recently I heard about ‘touch it once’ and it has been life changing.
So when dry clean laundry comes out the tumble dryer I used to put it in the basket, later I’d have to fold it and later I’d get round to putting it away which felt like three chores. Now I take it out, fold it and put it away immediately and it’s done. When I receive an email from school about a form that has to be completed. I used to read it, thank you myself I must do that later and then forget(!) Now I do it there and then - ie I don’t even open the email until I know I have time to respond. So ‘touch it once’ applies to forms of communication too.
Good luck OP

If you're thinking of buying a slow cooker, can I suggest an Instant Pot instead? We have a family of 5 and use it often. Rice, veg, casseroles... It does it all.

Meal planning makes life so much easier. If you have space get a decent sized freezer. Make sure you have a decent meal with lots of veg a couple of times a week and don’t sweat it it’s egg and chips or nuggets and beans on the other days. Book a regular delivery slot for groceries. You don’t need a wide variety of meals. It’s fine to have the same stuff over and over.

Laundry sorting can be a group activity or a job for a child. Someone can do sock and underwear sorting, someone else the clothes. Label everything you can. Everyone needs to be responsible for putting their own things away.

I agree with no tv in the morning. There isn’t time.

Big calendar is essential. Ditto birthday card stash, I reached the money in a card approach rather than thoughtful and considered gift a long time ago.

Have 2 sets of bedding for each bed. Don’t have hundreds, unless you have unlimited storage. The spare needs to be where you an get it during the night in case of vomit etc. Keep the sheet and duvet cover inside the pillowcase. Everyone is responsible for stripping their own bed and putting the clean sheets on (in general, not when hurling into a bucket at 2am). Don’t be overly ambitious, they are only little kids and don’t need weekly linen changes.

Colour code towels.

I noticed you said you work full time, you may have to reconsider that.

At the very least consider taking some extended leave to get the children settled and to establish your routine.

Make sure you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to. Look at DLA for all the children. As far as I am aware fostering allowance is not taxable income so will impact on any claims for tax credits.

This is a massive undertaking, you also need to ensure that your daughter is supported as she may feel very overwhelmed by such a huge change to her life.
Good luck with it all.