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Original poster

Going from 2 to 3 with biggish age gap?

19 replies

Vixk1 · 20/02/2021 15:07

Hi,
Currently have DS 7 DD 2. I'm 35 and if we're going to have a 3rd I don't want to leave it much longer.
Both myself and DH are so grateful for the DC we have and if I was told tomorrow I couldn't have anymore I would just be so thankful for the two we already have.
DH is happy to stick at 2 but if I really wanted another he would probably say yes. I'm happy to stick at 2 but because we have the option, I'm struggling to decide what to do.
DC currently have lots of 121 time with us and enjoy lots of attention. We are financially stable so we can pay for them to do different hobbies and have trips away, but we know it would mean saving up more if we had a 3rd.
DS and DD get on so well, I feel anxious about upsetting the dynamics incase someone feels left out. I also worry incase the child had a disability and how it would effect the other 2 who didn't ask for a sibling in the first place. Why should we rock the boat?
Also, I wonder if they would all bond seeing as my oldest would be 9 by the time the baby is 1.

I'd be grateful to hear your opinions.

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billy1966 · 20/02/2021 15:29

It reads as if you are happy with what you have but feel the pressure of now or never.

I think you and your husband are in a great place, grateful with what you have and enjoying the children you have been blessed with.

I think you are happily done.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Original poster

Vixk1 · 20/02/2021 16:03

Thank you billy1966 I appreciate your response.
We don't take it for granted. I know the struggles people have to face to have the children they so want.

OP posts:

Campervan69 · 20/02/2021 16:05

We had our 3rd when I was 42 and our other boys were 7 and 10. Feels like he's had the best of both worlds as he gets lots of attention one on one almost like an only child, but also has older brothers to interact with.

Original poster

Vixk1 · 20/02/2021 16:36

That's someone definitely to consider. I suppose it takes the pressure off thinking now or never.
Thank you

OP posts:

Circlesroundandround · 23/02/2021 14:26

We had a big gap between DC 2 and 3. DC1 was 11 and DC 2 was 9 when DC3 came along. The large gap was hard in terms of activities/days out to keep everyone interested (pre-covid) but we make it work. The older two adore there youngest sibling, it really is a lovely dynamic. Probably different to having three close in age but it works for us. I am sure you would make it work for your family

That said, it sounds like you are quite settled with two. Time isn't completely against you, perhaps give it a year and see how you feel.

Original poster

Vixk1 · 23/02/2021 19:21

That's lovely to hear they have a nice relationship.

I think I'm also partly worried if I conceived within a year, then my son could be 9 when the new edition is 1 and having such a gap could mean we struggle to do the things I'd like to do like take take my son skiing, as my DD can learn in another year or two but we'd need to wait another 5 years for everyone to be able to participate - skiing is a one off thing btw, we aren't made of money. It's just an example of things we would like to do but might struggle.

I hope that makes sense!? Is it a silly concern to have?

OP posts:

Original poster

Vixk1 · 23/02/2021 19:22

Nobody knows what's around the corner in life, this is just an example of different activities we'd potentially struggle to do and so I'd feel like my son is missing out.

OP posts:

Aria2015 · 23/02/2021 19:44

@Vixk1 it sounds like you need to really decide if this desire to have a third is down to not feeling like your family is complete and really wanting another child (not just baby but child) or do you feel like you want another because there's a sadness that comes with closing the door on further pregnancies / babies? The latter scenario is very common. I have it myself. Like you I have two healthy children (one of each) and our family dynamic works well and I have a good balance. I know in my heart of hearts that although I'd no doubt love another child as much as my existing two, a lot of the things I value now would be either lost or reduced by having a third. In particular I feel like my attention would simply be spread too thin and I don't really want to go from comfortably balancing to full on juggling! Yet I still have an urge to have another lol! But I won't. I've personally taken the approach of enjoying what I have and finding peace with the door closing because it closes at some point for everyone and I actually think I'd feel a tinge of sadness about that regardless of how many children I had.

Good luck in whatever you decide, I know it's not easy!

MotherofPearl · 23/02/2021 19:59

I think your concerns about a new younger child potentially disrupting plans or activities you'd like to do with your older two children are valid.

My three DC are 12, 9 and 4. I was so desperate for a third, and she's really a delight in many ways, and has brought us all a lot of joy, but there are times where I wonder if I did the right thing having a third with such a big gap. There are lots of activities I'd like to do with the older two, but can't because of the youngest. A small example - last summer we had a holiday which involved a house on a lake with a kayak. DD2 was too little for this, so DP invariably took the older two DC off kayaking while I stayed behind with DD2. Board games can also be an issue!

But I think the decision should not be just based on this. You need to do what's right for you and your family. Good luck!

Rosetrees · 23/02/2021 20:04

I've come to the same conclusion as @aria2015. I think I'll always be a bit broody, but I want to focus on my two children - really enjoy them and give them all the opportunities I can. I think personally I would be stretched too thinly with three and wouldn't be the best parent I could be, although I know lots of parents that are brilliant juggling more than two kids! I am trying to find peace with the door closing. I'm so grateful for what I have.
How do you picture your future?

HexWitch · 23/02/2021 20:05

I had my 3rd when my older ones were 11 and 14. She's 10 now and they have the most wonderful relationship.

noscoobydoodle · 23/02/2021 20:13

I have a 7 year gap between DC1 and DC3. It is wonderful in many ways and they adore each other. It is a bit of a compromise finding suitable days out/activities (there's under 2 years between DC1 and DC2 so never had this problem before). DC3 was a bit of a surprise and some of the things we had planned before he arrived (big things like a trip to Japan and skiing) had to be put on hold. We also divide the kids more so DH will take the older kids whilst I have DC3 or vice versa.

Original poster

Vixk1 · 23/02/2021 20:48

Thank you for your messages. It's strange, part of me does feel a little sadness of no more children but I'm also extremely grateful that we have the two we have and I'm excited for our adventures together going forward, so I don't think it is fully about the no more children.

I just go back and forth in my mind thinking of how much joy adding another edition to our family would bring and as they get older if they continued to have a close relationship it would be lovely. Then I start thinking of all of the experiences we would love to do now and over the coming years, but might struggle to do with a new baby and is that fair on the 2 DC we already have.

I really appreciate hearing from you all.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 23/02/2021 21:05

OP,

Two things,

Firstly, do not underestimate the amount of juggling that happens with large gaps. People do it, they get over it, but it really is a thing. It has to be factored in for years.

Secondly, most women do feel a little emotional nostalgia for the realisation that they will never be pregnant, give birth, have a newborn again.

I certainly did. I was definitely finished...but I'd adored being pregnant, felt great after each birth and had healthy, well babies.

I was really lucky but I felt sad saying goodbye to that extraordinary period of my life.

Original poster

Vixk1 · 24/02/2021 19:23

So if we had another one by the time the baby is 1 my other two would be 4 and 9 and a little further down the line 5, 8 and 13.

Any one with similar ages, or anyone that might have an idea, does that sound like an age gap that would be difficult to juggle everyone's needs? Possibly a question that nobody can really answer because everyone's different.

OP posts:

Original poster

Vixk1 · 24/02/2021 20:03

I suppose if you want something enough you make it work.

OP posts:

Laura280706 · 24/02/2021 20:35

I have four Dd1 13, ds1, 11, ds2 9 and dd2 6 although the moment it seems like a large age gap between dd1 and 2 they still love spending time together both doing things for the pair of them and then with the added benefits of almost a babysitter.

We have noticed that dd2 stays up much later than her older siblings and has done things much earlier - will grow up quicker rather than being bullied. All four benefit from having each other, however we are only just planning on going to Florida now they are all tall enough to go on the rides together and that feels like an awfully long time coming!

billy1966 · 24/02/2021 20:44

My apologies, 3 and 8 isn't a huge gap for a new siblings.
I think I may have mis read.
If you feel you are set up for a third etc., that age gap is manageable for sure.

But I really do think many women feel a little sadness at saying goodbye to their childbearing years, just like you might to your 20's.

I definitely have friends that experienced it and when it past were content that they had stayed at 2 or 3.

Lilice · 27/02/2021 09:12

Mine are 7, 5 and 5 months old. It's still early to comment on the dynamics, but for me the age gap was never an issue when I decided to have a third baby. I liked the fact that my two eldest would be at school while I'd be home / go to baby groups with my little baby. My eldest adores her sister and is a great helper. I couldn't imagine life without the three of them. For me, going from 2 to 3 has been the easiest so far because my other two are a bit older and can entertain themselves for a little while when I am with the baby, instead of being completely dependent on me. My eldest was 2 when my second was born and that was hard work.

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