Going from 2 to 3

[jdr1234]

Evening all
I am hoping for a bit or advice, we are blessed to have a lovely boy (just turned 6) and a 3 1/2 year old girl. I am an only child and lost my father at 15 and growing up always wanted a big family. Felt I was maybe done after my little girl was born but for the past year find myself desperately wanting a third.
Problem is my husband really does not want one, and is adamant we are done, he is 8 years older than me. I just turned 35 and he is 43 and due to various stuff I wouldn’t want to start trying till end of year so we would be 36 and 44. He feels he is too old to go back to the baby stage and doesn’t have the energy. He worries about the financial pressures of 3. We lead a very comfortable life, kids at private school, nice holidays etc and he doesn’t want to jeopardize that. We have a really good marriage and we are very happy.
Should I just appreciate how lucky I am and move on or if this is something I really want do I preserve with him. I would never force him or trick him but I’m worried if he digs his heals in I would end up resenting him.
Any advise from people who have maybe been in a similar situation and what has changed there husbands minds without them rail roading them into it.
🙏

@jdr1234 like you I'm an only child so I understand where you're coming from with that. It is quite hard being an adult only child and not having that option of ringing a sibling for chats etc.

My husband knew from the start that I wanted 4 kids and he 2 but we agreed on 3. I think deep down he hoped I'd change my mind and I hoped I would but we talked about it again.

Age wise I'm 34 and he's 35 we agreed that there will be no babies after age 36 for him so this was pretty much the last year. So I understand as DH would rather not have teenagers in his fifties.
Our two are just turned 8 and 5 as they're quite clingy as babies.

We decided to hold off due to house moves, job change (for mat leave) and finally decided in 2020 but Covid kicked in. We went ahead in September and I'm 25 weeks pregnant.

With regards school we have 2.5 years between out two and they will always be two school years from each other and we will get a break before the next lot of fees.

Not sure what I'm trying to say but look at it from his perspective and have a good discussion about it. I personally knew I would regret it but you may feel differently. Best of luck.

Problem is my husband really does not want one, and is adamant we are done

Therefore you have two choices. Breakup your family on the chance you may meet someone else, and you might possibly be able to get pregnant again. Or, you choose to be happy with what you already have and be grateful you can give your 2 existing children a wonderful life.

Why can't you just respect your husband's decision and not be looking for ways to change his mind? How would you feel if he put this kind of pressure on you?

Thank you @Mishmased really appreciate your post.
@Aquamarine1029 this is the exact point, I do not want to pressure him and of course don’t want to break up my family but I can’t help how I feel regarding a third baby or should my feelings be dismissed because he doesn’t or at least doesn’t think he wants another child?

@jdr1234 have you pointed asked him what would happen if you still want a third. Lay your cards on the table. On the flip side do you see where he's coming from? Can you counter his reasons for not having another with reasons for having? Do you work and what are the plans for going back to work if it happens? Have you got support close by? These are things to consider.

@Mishmased, I don’t work, luckily we are in a position where I don’t need to however I am fairly ambitious and would definitely like to work in the future. My mum is round the corner and husbands parents also not far but all in there late 60’s/70’s so a limit to how much help we would be able to ask of them but emotionally lots of support. Husband is youngest of 3 and all very close and live locally.
I really understand all his reasons for not wanting as practically, financially etc 2 makes sense and ultimately he can’t just be ok with a 3rd he has to want it and realistically not sure that is going to happen. I feel very very lucky to have 2 healthy children and feel greedy at times wanting another.

@jdr1234 it sounds as if you know deep down it isn't going to happen. You have loads of support around and your kids probably have loads cousins close by. If I had those I wouldn't have had a third. I suppose there's also the pressure of being financially responsible for 4 people can be a bit overwhelming so adding another doesn't make it easier.
Also sounds like he's laid all his cards out for you, so I would just enjoy the family you have now rather than risk anything. Give yourself time and you will probably be glad you didn't have another.xx

I have 3, and it was right for us.
However, I wouldn't have wanted to be starting again at 44 / 45, so I definitely hear what your dh is saying too.
I do think you need to sit and talk and see who feels more strongly though - after all, you are plenty young enough, and it seems that you do most of the childcare, so that might influence the decision.