Blended family dilemma

[Sarharry1982]

Hi everyone
Myself and my partner have been together for just over 5 years now. We have a daughter between us who is almost 4 (an unexpected pregnancy but loved all the same). I have a son (6) full time and he has 2 sons (11,9) 50%, from previous marriages. We initially lived under one roof but the children bickered quite a lot which put some stress on the relationship/household. So I ended up moving back into my property about 18 months ago. We are still together and I love him very much.

He doesn’t feel he has any parental relationship with my son and that I don’t have a parental relationship with his sons. He also thinks we have quite different styles of parenting (I don’t think they’re that dissimilar). I have always wanted us to move into a new house together so everyone was on even turf (instead of being in his previous marriage house). The last few months we had started to plan for a new house together but after the whole family being together for a week over Xmas he has changed his mind, saying that things haven’t changed. He would like to move to be almost next door to me and carry on as being 2 families but still us as partners until the kids are older, and then think about living together.

Initially I was ok with this but I am having doubts as to whether we’re just ‘flogging a dead horse’, whether I should just walk away now (I’m not getting any younger at 39) or whether I should stick it out until the kids are older and then we can be together properly.

This is not how I thought my life would turn out!

Just looking for thoughts on it and if anyone else is in or has been in the same situation and it worked out.

Thanks for reading if you’ve got this far.

Yes
Flogging a dead horse

Perhaps it would have been a great relationship if you’d met and neither had children

But you both do.
It didn’t work in the past. To such a serious extent that you moved out again.

And now as recently as a few weeks ago - when you all spent time together, it didn’t go well at all.

In short OP - it doesn’t work and would be difficult for the children. That is the key - the children will suffer.

Keep it amicable for your shared daughter’s sake and build a positive do parenting relationship.

But leave the romance

I think it might work if you lived close by. It sends a message to the children that you are serious about each other. It seems a shame to miss out on a loving relationship. The children will grow up and whereas they may never be close....they should be encouraged to be civil to each other for everyones sake.

Hmm, I don't know. If you were both on board with the set up it could work nicely, especially if he was with you the 50% of the time his sons were away.

Living apart but being in a relationship is all the rage with my grandparents' generation (they are all widows and widowers with grown up kids but have their own houses that they are not willing to give up). However I appreciate it is very different when you are actively raising children.

He doesn’t feel he has any parental relationship with my son and that I don’t have a parental relationship with his sons

Is it necessary to have this? Your and his son's already have two parents (an assumption on my part here). You and he need to find alternatives roles for each other's dc.

He also thinks we have quite different styles of parenting (I don’t think they’re that dissimilar)

Did he elaborate on this? Do you have any examples?

**He also thinks we have quite different styles of parenting (I don’t think they’re that dissimilar)

He said that I don’t discipline my son enough....his example was when my son was 18months old, he used to try to take his youngest sons toys away and I didn’t tell him off enough for that. It seemed a bit flakey to me.

I feel that I do tell my son off when it’s required. He feels that he can’t tell my son off.

And that's his only example? Even though it's five years down the line?

Does your son behave in a way which warrants him needing to be told off?

I’d walk OP. He can pay you child maintenance towards your shared DD and you can create a home for you and your two. Hopefully in time you’ll meet someone who can fully invest and value you properly.

That was the example he used and said that I’ve not disciplined him since.

My son honestly behaves like a Norma 6 year old. Happy, playful boy with moments of playing up and back chat. So I’ll tell him off to different degrees to match what he’s done. He’s not a naughty child by any means.

My son and his eldest son have formed a really good bond and play together really well despite a 5 year age gap. My partners youngest son finds it difficult to socialise and this is reflected in school as well. So the arguments tend to start when they all try to play together.

Yeah probs best separating. It all just sounds too bloody tricky.

I'd say he's giving up too quickly /easily!

Full biological children bicker!

It's an absolute work in progress! And it does not just happen, like with anything it takes time and mostly effort!

Myself and my partner have blended about 4 months ago now, it's taken us a good few months to get to a "settled" stage.

We have 2 each from previous relationships and one on the way ( final one!!)

And we manage amazingly! It's all about routine and gaining that same level of consistency with parenting and setting rules you both agree on and everyone be on the same page.

We have had bad days and it's taken work but any family is the same regardless of being biological or not.

It's entirely up to you how you go about it I know everyone is different but your dp cannot just expect things to click and just be perfect! Nothing ever is!