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Original poster

Unplanned pregnancy

22 replies

Artfulfairy94 · 17/11/2020 04:39

Looking for some advice on an incredibly difficult situation.

I am currently 6 weeks pregnant however I was on birth control at the time of conception and this has really come at a complete surprise.

I have 3 kids already (13, 12 & 9) and 2 step children (30 & 11). My husband and I do not share any of our children together and we are a blended family.

I am very much pro choice and practically it would be much easier to have a termination. We are fortunate that our 4 remaining children at home have separate bedrooms and as they are older we are starting to get our lives back a bit which is great!! My husband is also hitting 50 years old so is very concerned at the idea of becoming a father again at such a late stage in his life. We run our own successful business and are just starting to enjoy the finer things in life.

Money isn’t an issue in this situation, and nor would it be an issue if we already had children together. The biggest sticking point for us both is that we’ve never gone through the whole pregnant/birth/sharing a child together despite him being a wonderful full time dad to my 3.

My head and my heart cannot make its mind up and I am conscious that we are running out of time to do anything 😓

OP posts:

Chrle98 · 17/11/2020 04:58

I can’t speak from someone in your situation as I am much younger and in a different stage in my life from you, but I almost had a termination too. But I gave birth 2 days ago to him and I never regret him, he completes us. But if you already feel complete then do what’s best for you because nobody knows what that is but you. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad because it’s ultimately your decision. You already said he’s a wonderful father but a baby is a big commitment and a long commitment, as you already know, so you would need to be 100%. And a baby doesn’t complete everyone- you don’t want to shift what you already have. If you feel emotionally ready for this baby and can see him or her in your future then I would go for it but if you see him or her as an inconvenience then you already know your decision. I’m sorry to not be of much help I just know what it feels like to be so confused by this. I wish you the best x

Finfintytint · 17/11/2020 05:01

Sounds like your relationship is already cemented and you don’t need a child together to confirm that. Your body, your decision but I know what I would do.

ukgift2016 · 17/11/2020 05:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Artfulfairy94 · 17/11/2020 05:31

@ukgift2016

How did you get pregnant? Seriously?

I am pretty fertile and have only got pregnant when I WANTED too. Contraception used correctly always guarantees to work.

You wanted to get pregnant didn't you? Part of this, "what shall we do??" Is part of the fun for you. Considering you have five children between you already, you think you would stop for the environment but hey ho.

Wow.

Well I have been on the depo provera injection since my youngest was born so we managed almost 10 years with it failing. I did however have a medication change back in July, which we believe may have affected the effectiveness.

Thank you @ukgift2016 for your insight though. Your kind words have really helped!

OP posts:

CloudyVanilla · 17/11/2020 05:38

What s dickish previous post. I got pregnant on the mini pill. I had put on weight and had one of the older ones that only stop ovulation 50% of the time and relies more on the thickening of mucus etc. I suppose due to the weight gain it became less effective and I got pregnant eventually. I only found out this info about the pill in hindsight due to you know, being rather surprised I was pregnant

That's just one example. The OP needs support with her pregnancy choice and not a bollocking for a contraceptive failure.

ukgift2016 · 17/11/2020 05:38

I did however have a medication change back in July, which we believe may have affected the effectiveness.

So you knew you were risking pregnancy. Why not own it? This is not an unplanned pregnancy, it was avoidable.

Original poster

Artfulfairy94 · 17/11/2020 05:41

@ukgift2016

I did however have a medication change back in July, which we believe may have affected the effectiveness.

So you knew you were risking pregnancy. Why not own it? This is not an unplanned pregnancy, it was avoidable.

We didn’t know that the medication could have affected the depo until we found out I was pregnant? If you have nothing constructive to add why are you here?

OP posts:

ukgift2016 · 17/11/2020 05:41

@CloudyVanilla actually I think women reinforcing the myth contraception does not work is more dangerous. It does work, the majority of the time but factors such as medication can make it ineffective.

Most women know this and need to act accordingly. I wish women would own up to subconsciously wanting to get pregnant then blaming it on the contraception.

CloudyVanilla · 17/11/2020 05:42

Also NO contraception is 100% effective so please check your facts

CloudyVanilla · 17/11/2020 05:44

Finding out I was pregnant on contraception with a baby we didn't think we could have room for was the most devastating moment of my life.

Please do not come on to a women's parenting and motherhood site and tell women with loved experience that there is no such thing as a contraceptive failure.

Please get over yourself and again check your facts. You sound like an absolute Aunt Lydia coming into pregnancy threads to scold women for their bad behaviour.

CloudyVanilla · 17/11/2020 05:45

Lived experience*

footprintsintheslow · 17/11/2020 05:46

@Artfulfairy94 why not totally ignore that other poster.

What is your gut feeling here? Not taking anyone else's views into it?

Original poster

Artfulfairy94 · 17/11/2020 05:52

If it was our intention to have a child together I wouldn’t have created this post... we would be dealing with it and coming to terms with it in our own way. Believe it or not we’ve never needed a child to complete our family, nor was it our intention. It has just happened. Not every woman feels so insecure that they need to have a child with their partner to secure their relationship and not every woman purposefully goes out of their way to get pregnant especially when they are using a form of contraception. I didn’t come here looking for judgement, I came here looking for advice and guidance on both sides. Ultimately it is and will be our decision but I was hoping for comments from others who can offer some sincere insight.

OP posts:

saiditbetterthanme · 17/11/2020 05:53

@ukgift2016 how unnecessarily aggressive. The op needs support not judgement.
OP, it's a tough decision. If it helps, my DH has just become a dad again at 51 after I found out I was pregnant from a contraception failure. He says he feels tired but great and I think he's a great dad. He is booked in for a vasectomy now, though!

Original poster

Artfulfairy94 · 17/11/2020 05:57

[quote footprintsintheslow]@Artfulfairy94 why not totally ignore that other poster.

What is your gut feeling here? Not taking anyone else's views into it?[/quote]
That’s the problem, my gut is so conflicted. Neither of us were upset when we found out, but the practicalities and hubby’s age feel completely against us. It sounds so selfish but we were beginning to look forwards to doing some travelling and making plans for the future and now it feels like it would be a trade off. An amazing trade off but a trade off nonetheless. I am 15 years younger than my hubby so the age thing isn’t as prominent for me however does anyone really want to be in their late 60s with a teenager in the house?

OP posts:

CloudyVanilla · 17/11/2020 06:00

Sending strength OP

I did have an unplanned third pregnancy but I don't know if my experience will help as we have a smaller family and much smaller age gaps.

I'd say the only thing you can do is set a list of practical pros and cons and make your initial decision based on that alone. Your feelings toward that decision can then guide what you go ahead and do?

WingingIt101 · 17/11/2020 06:02

Hi op

I haven’t been in your shoes but wanted to show support (particularly in light of the unnecessarily nasty and judgmental posting from some!)

Could you book a private counselling session with your husband? Many therapists are providing zoom sessions during the pandemic and may be able to fit you in quickly.
They obviously wouldn’t make the decision for you but may help you with understanding whether you want to go ahead with the pregnancy or not. I suggested with your husband as you sound like a strong team and it might be helpful to have questions for both of you to understand how the other is feeling about it all - whatever you choose you’ll need to support each other on the other side but I agree with pp that ultimately this is your body and your choice.

Best of luck x

Mysa74 · 17/11/2020 06:17

Hi op
I'm 46, my husband nearly 51. We have a surprise DD who is now 4 months old. We have 2 older daughters, didn't plan a 3rd and only actually discovered her existence at 24 weeks She is a result of contraceptive failure probably caused by stress, I work for the NHS and my dad was really, really ill then died. So I hadn't been paying attention to myself at all. Meds can just fail, nothing is 100%. Our ages made the chance of conceiving low even without contraception, I'm perimenopausal and working with nasty chemicals and chemotherapy drugs on a daily basis, which was really dangerous. when I went to my first emergency dating scan 3 days later I was terrified she'd have 2 heads, 5 arms and one of the tristomys... Luckily she's perfect and was obviously meant to be. It's a shock, but I can't imaging life without her now. Go with your gut feeling op, but don't rush into a decision if you don't feel ready, 6 weeks isn't long at all.

NessieMcNessface · 17/11/2020 07:06

Be aware that a termination can be traumatic in terms of its lasting effect on you. Be really sure if you decide to go ahead with it as for some women the emotional impact can last a lifetime. I only say this because you are unsure of what to do so there’s obviously a part of you that wants to go ahead with the pregnancy. How will you feel if you terminate; when you imagine it how do you imagine yourself feeling afterwards? Relieved or distressed? I don’t think it matters at all that your husband is 50; as long as he wants the baby. How do you think your own children will take to the idea of you having a child? You say your husband has been a great father to your three so this may reduce any jealousy they might feel in relation to him preferring his own child to them. You sound like amazing parents as you have made a blended family work which is a very difficult thing to do. Secretly I hope you go ahead and have the baby because I think the joy he or she brings will cancel out the negatives, although I know this isn’t helpful at all! Anyway, I wish you the very best and hope whichever decision you make is the right one for you.

footprintsintheslow · 17/11/2020 10:51

How likely are you to feel guilt or regret or focus on the what ifs after termination? Something to take into account.

Original poster

Artfulfairy94 · 17/11/2020 14:26

@footprintsintheslow

How likely are you to feel guilt or regret or focus on the what ifs after termination? Something to take into account.

I’d feel an incredible sense of loss, grief and remorse if I’m honest, but the feeling of going through the whole process again terrifies me

OP posts:

footprintsintheslow · 17/11/2020 14:49

No agenda from me either way but it sounds like you do know what your gut instinct is then.
I have a 21 year age gap with a baby who was planned so nothing like your situation. Personally I found it terrifying and exciting. It's been fine although it's more tiring now I'm older.

How about taking advice from a counselling service. It might make you more able to organise your thoughts.

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