Irrational worry about 'rolling the dice' again - did anyone else have this?

[Amidone]

I've been back and forth on having a 3rd child for about 18mths now. Fear holds me back : what if I die giving birth, what if I have a still birth, whay I my baby has a serious birth injury, what if I have a child with significant extra needs and the impact of that on our existing family, what I have a multiple birth...oh and more recently, Covid worries!

Covid aside, I don't recall having all these worries when TTCing my current two, and the 2 I miscarried in between. Due to infertility and MCs I think my fears were mainly around not being able to conceive or losing a pregnancy early on. My latest MC was at 10 weeks so still quite early.

But this time around they're really holding me back. I wonder how anyone gets past this to have a large(er) family? How can I get rational again?

Other worries are my age 43, would be close to 44 giving birth, but not TTCing naturally but using frozen embryos from previous IVF treatment. So embryo related risks are those of a younger woman but pregnancy risks to me remain those of someone in their early 40s.

My 1st birth was a 'typical' first in so far as it was prolonged and complicated and my 2nd was straightforward and quick. Both pregnancies were fine and horrendous heartburn was the biggest challenge.

So, why do I feel so scared and sick and unable to sleep (as happens every month) and unable to call the fertility clinic so start the cycle?

The driver to have a second was so strong and seemed to get me past all the worries, even after two MCs. Why do I feel differently now?

Did you have these worries even if younger or TTC naturally and how did you get past them please?

Anyone?

Do you actually want a third child? It sounds like on some level you are really not sure. Hope you’re ok. You sound very stressed.

You're right on both points Bouncycastle12. The stakes feel higher somehow when you already have more than one child...

I have four and I never really felt like that. The urge to another was greater than any fear and I had pre eclampsia with my first.

We are most likely planning a 3rd next year, and don’t have all these worries either. Will be turning 40. Sounds like you really are unsure. Make a pros and cons list??!

I wonder if it’s the knowledge that you have embryos in the freezer that’s driving this, rather than a genuine desire for a third baby? Which I understand btw. I can imagine feeling like you may as well use them and accept what happens, success or failure. And then you won’t have to think about disposing of them at a later date, kind of thing?

I wouldn’t entertain another pregnancy at 40 tbh (for me the physical toll would be too great) let alone 43. But that’s just me

Would you go for a third if you had to TTC conventionally rather than having an embryo transfer? I think the fact you’ve been undecided for 18 months despite being 40+ maybe says a lot. If I’m honest, I think all of your worries, while valid, are not at the forefront of a woman’s mind when she really wants another baby.

I think you're brave.

Only do it if you really couldn't live without a third. Key to having 3 IMO is being relaxed and easy going. Anxiety and stress about things would make it much worse !

Haworthia I think you've hit on two things. My focus on the possible negatives at this point and the fact the embryos are there.
I wouldn't TTC 'normally' or pursue fresh IVF treatment at my age, no. I couldn't face the added stress.
Part of me wishes I had tried for a 3rd using the embryos way before now but for various reasons-bereavement, the struggles of adjusting to 2 kids, a demanding and little sleeping youngest which didn't really sleep well until over 2 years old (after an eldest who took even longer to get to that point) and feeling so torn in splitting my time and attention between two. DP never wanted 3, feels complete with 2. Was persuaded by me eventually and even broached it a few months ago after I thought we had moved on (or that he had at least, while I carried on prevaricating to myself and myself only). If I knew I was guaranteed one healthy baby and would be fine myself I would go for it. But the uncertainty dominates.

At 43, I would be concerned about having a baby with special needs. Some don't worry about that at all, but I would, especially how a high needs child would impact my existing children.

I know what you mean Aquamarine but my risk would be that of someone mid 30s due to using frozen embryos. Nothing is risk free though and a child with additional needs when you have 2 others already and aren't a young mother is an extra worry.

Legoandloldolls and Merename that's interesting. I do often wonder why others mums seem less worried about this stuff than me. I wonder if it's because neither of my children arrived easily iyswim? The fertility issues and miscarriages left a mark on my emotional state I think. Having my youngest was healing in many ways. (Also just so sad that I lost my mum when my youngest was a few months old. That took some recovering from and I'm not sure I really ever will get over it.)
I see others though who have had similar loss or even stillbirths go on to have more children. They must be braver or just surer than me.

Yes it sounds like you’ve been through an awful lot in recent years, and when we are anxious I think it’s often looking for a sense of control and predictability. Makes sense when there has been little of it for you. And I have had no fertility issues or losses so I am privileged not to have had to face that much. It may be naive but I also don’t feel really worried about a child with additional needs, if it were to happen. Like you said, multiples - that actually scares me more now than disability! Probably doesn’t make sense but there you go. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I don't think it's that irrational of a fear. It definitely could happen. Yes, my first or second dc could have also had SN or I could have been injured birthing them. But I suppose I really wanted children so I took the risk. Now I have children, so the expected gain isn't as great (as I know I could be also happy with two). Meanwhile the risk is just as high.

Thats not to say you shouldn't have a third if you want. But that's why it feels more risky to me.

I definitely did worry more about these things when I had my third, and I was v early 30s and had a totally easy ride having the first two.
If is scary, your life isn't your own, I felt I owed it to the kids not to risk my life in any way. Also I felt that the risks were justified for dd2 as dd1 got a sibling out of it, I felt that was less urgent with dd3, dd3 was more of a selfish thing that I wanted...
I also worried a lot about disabilities and how that might impact the others.
So you're not alone, but we did go ahead and it's wonderful now...

Interesting to hear that some others felt the same as me (even without fertility and loss) but went ahead. Glad it worked out for you inkylines. Selfish is a word I would use too but I think it works both ways i.e. is it selfish NOT to try to give your child more siblings or is it selfish TO try to have one more baby because it's what you want.
So tough.

Flynow you've described how I feel - the expected gain vs the risk feels different now to before. I'm sure it is patient possible to be just as happy with 2 as with 3, I just need to work out how to get there.

It's all so complicated as it feels like there is potential there with these embryos, more so than there is for anyone fertile who could TTC any month. And yet, realistically, the greatest chance is that it wouldn't work if we did try.
We already used one of the frozen embryos we had (the one graded 'best') back when trying for our second. It implanted but I miscarried at about 6 weeks. I kind of lost trust in them for a while after that.

I just need to make peace with a decision and move forward and not feel like I'm wasting any more energy and head space on this all. The fact I've not been able to move forward to try with certainty for so long makes me think I should draw a line under it and stick with 2.

I also feel it's partly wrapped up with feeling like time has passed so quickly and wanting to go back to the baby and toddler phase with my own kids now as I did enjoy much of it (sleepless nights, cluster feeding and tantrums aside!).
But I think I need to focus on the present joy and all that lies ahead and that is there whether have just one child or many.

We definitely had many of those worries when deciding to have a third. Having a first baby was a natural decision, because we wanted a family. Having a second was also a natural decision because we wanted a sibling for our child. Those motivations far outweighed any worries that we might have had. But having a third felt like we were putting a great deal at risk, we had a wonderful, healthy family, I was healthy and had managed both those pregnancies and births successfully. So the risks in going for a third when we already had a wonderful family seemed greater and much more a part of our decision. I can’t give you a clear answer on how we eventually moved past those worries, but we did and are so very glad to have our third child. I do remember part of our thinking being that even though we had a healthy family at that point, nothing is a given, illnesses develop, unexpected events happen. So not going for something simply because our context at the time felt perfect probably wasn’t that logical. I think it was a gradual process, where our conviction that we wanted a third child kept getting stronger and therefore lessened our worries about the risks over time. Because for us it was a very difficult decision that took us a long time to make, but eventually we knew we’d always wonder ‘what if’ if we didn’t do it. I really envied people who definitely knew they did or didn’t want a 3rd child and just got on with their lives! Good luck with your decision.

Thank you for your comment Himawarigirl. It's really helpful. I'm pretty sure my thinking on this isn't logical in many ways but it's hard to get past the worries.

Hi, Im 49 with my 3 year old daughter from ED and considering a sibling for her! Its all about the drive /need want to have another weighed up against the concerns worries fears, isn't it? ( especially being older and using assisted fertility treatments) balancing that out is not a rational decision , nothing is rational about deciding to have a child whether its first second third or 6th ( I imagine) and i'm fairly confident that there is a challenge to over come each time, the is different each time. I've been going back and forward over sibling since she came along and just couldn't say yes, because I was worried about her sharing and spoiling our special "just the two of us thing". Now my 50th bday is weeks away and I have a last window to do this, as she has started nursery suddenly my feeling have changed , I feel here is more room, and im considering that in her future perhaps a sibling will be really important for her. You can always find ways to mitigate concerns, you can organise, to provide extra support for yourself if you are concerned about age and tiredness, ( you have to! i'm thinking about extra child care and maternity nanny in early weeks, or perhaps you can ask loved ones). how strong is the desire to do it? at 43 I don't think is a concern to have a child with young eggs, unless you have historic problem with carrying its usually the egg quality that causes the miss. What is your vision for your family in the future? does it have 3 teenagers sat round a table with you or 2? You won't know how you feel until you take action. And once you take action you can see clearly what you want. If it's it not right, I think you will know. You can always retract if you suddenly feel it's wrong but you won't know until you take that first step, until you are living the experience. All the time we are sat wondering , that is all we are doing- wondering. take a step, trust your self, either way you family is there and it will be great with 2 or 3 -life is for living and what greater gift is there than life?

p.s Although perhaps this would not be your preferred path, remember also if you have younger eggs frozen you don't have to rush things if you're not sure either. You have until the glorious age of 50 to pop any of them in ( honestly I understand how this wold not be the first choice - it wasn't for me either, but just saying - you have options)

How did things turn out OP?