Need some moral support please

[HomeTogether]

Hi

I think I need a bit of support and positivity from those that have had a third or more!

Just found out I’m pregnant with baby number 3 and although we decided to go for it after years of indecision (following an accidental third pregnancy which at the time I wasn’t sure about and early loss which left us wondering what if) it happened straight away and I’m still trying to absorb it all. I’m feeling very confused. I’m only just 5 weeks.

Was at a bbq with friends last and talk came to a third and one was saying (with similar age kids to me) how awful it would be to go back to the hard work of the baby days and it’s like going backwards and although she considered at one point she realised it was just a reaction to her daughter going to school and now she’s settled in she’s over it now. The other lady spoke of someone she knew that had a 9 and 6 year old and pregnant and couldn’t believe it with the gap! I was sitting there unknown to them expecting my third and it’s highlighted all my worries!

Trying to now focus on positives and how lucky I am to have this chance. Every time I say my worries to my husband he has an answer for everything, really wants a third but says he’s not putting up with me being negative for 9 months so I have to decide what I want like it’s so black and white. Termination would be too hard and I’d know I’d regret it and after-all we made the choice to do this and I’m sure once I see the scan my feelings will all fall into place. I feel awful for feeling like this though.

Im 39 and baby arrives the month before I turn 40. I have one DS age 7 and a DD age 4. Both will be in school by time baby arrives which I think will help a lot. I’m a very active and involved mum although constantly exhausted but I always try to do too much, but at least I can be a stay at home mum. We are also moving from a nice new build to a complete doer upper which also stresses me out. My husband is supportive but does work long hours, leaves early in the morning although promises to help. Thing is typical man he never sees the jobs that actually need doing!

Im worried about being left behind a bit, don’t know anyone at school gates expecting, worried I’ll be lonely doing the same of stuff, and I guess conscious of what people will think as although I don’t feel it I guess I’m an older mum now, although I know third/ forth children come later in age usually! Annoyingly I’ve always cared too much of what others think!

Worried how will it affect my kids and having time for them. My daughter was asking when we will have a baby the other day and they each say they want a brother or sister so I’m hoping they will be ok but they are pretty demanding and even now always getting in our bed at night.

Plus I’m feeling so sick, much worse than previous pregnancies which is adding to my feelings of negativity.

Anyone else felt like this when it actually happened (planned / unplanned) and did it all work out? Anyone similar age / situation to me? How did your kids react?

Thanks all.

Very similar to you!

Third baby with a gap of 5 years from my elder two, born as the second one started school. Also conceived after a loss. 39 when baby was born. Sahm and moved house when baby was 1 to a fixer-upper.

Some of your fears are justified. It was hard going back to the toddler years and sleep deprivation. I loved the baby year though. I had the benefit of experience but the down side is that toddler talk is much less interesting third time round.

On the other hand some things have been much easier. The older two are great at looking after the baby and he’s been so good for their development and maturity. They stopped getting into my bed (mostly) and even transferred some of their mum-clingyness to wanting the baby! They took turns at looking after him to give me a break during lockdown.

I’ve found it easier to make new mum friends, and keep the old. My original mum-friends were moving into more hours of work so I’ve appreciated the chance to get to know new people during school hours. Plus I’m more confident at picking friends now, rather than just going for the same age babies. And my old mum friends all want to babysit the little one.

I got quite a bit of diy done when baby was tiny and kids were at school. All went to pot for the toddler years but it will get better once he gets a few hours at nursery school soon.

Now I almost want a 4th.....

Hi peajotter,

Thanks for taking the time to reply. It was nice to hear of someone in a similar situation and has made me feel better.

How did your two eldest children react when you told them?

I think at the moment my heart is so full with the two I have I just can’t imagine room for another and feel guilty, but I do remember feeling like that when I had my second and once we had her I’d realised I’d only enhanced my first borns life by adding a sibling. They play constantly together and life wouldn’t be the same without them both.
X

My youngest was thrilled. My oldest said “but...what if the baby ends up being like my brother”! (They weren’t getting on at the time.)

They were both excited, telling their friends, and loved it when baby came home. It helped that they were both at school so I could give them more attention after 3pm, and focus on rest and feeding during the day. Much easier than juggling a toddler and a newborn.

There have been downsides like not doing so many family bike rides when baby was tiny. But the upsides have been massive. Watching them care for the baby/toddler, I reckon it’s made them much less selfish, and they spend less time on computers. I also think it’s really good for teenagers to have younger siblings around, not just ‘boring’ parents.

Your kids will do just fine, don’t worry. Hope your pregnancy gets easier soon.

I have 6 in total although the eldest two are step children who's mum died when they were young.
Their ages are
26
23
15
9
6
5

Everytime a new baby has come they have all been delighted and there has never been any negativity.
As for friends you make new ones with each baby you have (if you want to) I always found that playgroups etc were great for having a coffee and a natter.
It will be fine if it's any consolation all mine were planned (except maybe the last one came a bit quicker than anticipated!) and I still cried and wobbled after I found out I was pregnant

Not me but I am one of 3 with just about the same gaps you’ll have, and I love it and want 3 myself, don’t worry about your kids they’ll love the baby.

@peajotter @troppibambini @BuffaloCauliflower hope you get this, but wanted to say thanks for taking the time to reply. Your messages really made a difference to me and I have to say when those negative thoughts creep back in, I re-read your replies and it helps. I love hearing how siblings have reacted to the news of a baby sister or brother and it sounds like you’ve had really positive experience despite maybe having worries yourself initially.

Im now 7 weeks and although feel more mentally positive in the daytime about it all, I’m still finding myself lying awake at night worrying about it all and can I really do this (unfortunately I seem to suffer from insomnia when pregnant so doesn’t help’). I can’t quite shake off my main worries of being 39 and feeling like I’ll be doing the school run forever, worrying about how it will effect my kids and what everyone will think as most people would assume we had moved on now like a lot of our friends and also feeling irresponsible and risky having a baby in an pandemic. I guess in the bigger picture these things will all be overcome when baby arrives and I’m sure with the world a little grim at the moment a new member of our family may be a positive thing.

My sickness has totally gone now, and I feel completely fine apart from a bit tired and a few usual symptoms. I did ask the midwife as I was worried about missed miscariage but she says it’s normal for symptoms to come and go so if everything is ok then hopefully it’s a fairly easy pregnancy.

Thanks everyone.

I only have 2 but with an almost 5 year age gap and while it was a bit of a shock going back to the baby stage with that gap, it was also easier as dd1 could help or entertain herself a bit.

Two DC are my limit so I personally would be shocked by dc3, that's probably all your friends meant.

I'm sure they'll be delighted for you when you're ready to announce your pregnancy

I had my 3rd (planned pregnancy) when my older two were 12 & 13. Hes now 2 and I have really enjoyed motherhood 3rd time round much more than previously. I'm much more chilled than before and the older 2 love having a younger brother. Somethings have changed obviously but I'm so glad we've got him- hes the light in all our lives (& is probably very spoilt!).

Glad you’re feeling a bit more positive @HomeTogether . Remember some people have their first at 39, you’re not going to be outstandingly old compared to other parents on the school run, just more experienced. I loved chatting to parents who had older kids when I first did the nursery run. Now I’m in that position myself and able to dole out the wisdom to my new friends like a wise old sage. Most of it is “it’s just a phase” and “he’ll get there in his own time”!!

I have a 13 year age gap, I love my baby and do t see her as going backwards just know m much more relaxed this time round as my 3 eldest have taught me loads!
Was baby's first day at nursery today and I felty lost without her, and have loved the mummified cuddles from when I picked her up ❤️

Thanks again for your messages @peajotter @ReefTeeth @chocolateoranges33. It was lovely reading your comments.

Your absolutely right @iusedtohavechickens when you say, I love my baby and don’t see it as going back. It’s made me realise it’s simple really as it’s just about loving another little one and there shouldn’t be any negatives.

I told my mum today who always is so supportive and reassuring and she was so happy for me. I’m looking forward to it now. I think it’s taken till now to actually get used to it all, but I know by the scan I’ll be excited.

Thanks again everyone.

I'm really late to this conversation, but just wanted to say I hope you are feeling ok....and that I had my 3rd in March this year, older 2 are now 9 and 4. When we told our eldest she cried and was pretty upset about the idea - all the changes it would bring, (not exactly the response we were expecting 😳) however, from the moment she laid eyes on the baby, she has been madly in love 😍 They both absolutely adore her and there has been zero jealousy. It's been magic - most of the time 😁 Good luck and I hope the sickness isn't too bad.

Also meant to say I was 2 months away from turning 40 when I had her and the tiredness isn't great but not noticeably much worse than with my other two.... (all not great sleepers - up 3/4 times a night most nights with the baby ). But totally worth it.

Just found this and my kids are 7 and 5. I'm 34 and a friend said that she thinks I should stop at 2 kids as a third feels like going back etc. Peoples opinions really. I had an early mc in July and will be 7 weeks pregnant tomorrow. Haven't told anyone apart from DH. You will be fine. My 5 year old thinks we should have 4 more babies and has names picked out while my 7 year old is asking who will be looking after all those babies as 5 year old is a handful in his opinion 🤣

Thanks for your recent posts and support. Nice to hear some others are going through the same. @willowtree81 your situation sounds similar with your age children. Thanks for sharing.

I actually feel a lot better about it all now. I had my scan Friday and felt very emotional (in a good way) seeing a healthy baby wriggling around in there! Was relieved it was just one there! Due 1st May now and 13 weeks. It all feels more real now and I feel much more at peace with it all. My symptoms calmed down by about week 8 so I’ve been feeling well, just tired in the evenings so it’s all positive.

Now my next hurdle is telling the kids! My DD is 4 and is always asking when will we have a baby. My DS is almost 8. He did say he didn’t want a baby as they cry and poo and day! More worried about his reaction and if he’ll be unhappy with me.

I was planning on keeping my head in the sand for a few weeks more, don’t have much of a bump yet, but my husband pointed out that while they were on half term it may be a good time telling them so they have a week with us to talk through it etc. He wants to tell his parents now too. Plus it’s weighing on my mind and maybe it’s better just to get it out as I’m sure I’m worrying for nothing. Don’t know why I’ve convinced myself it’s going to be a negative thing, when it should be positive.

What’s other people’s experience of telling the kids?

Hi @HomeTogether

I have 3. I had 2 girls who were 3 and 5 when their little brother came along they were brilliant with him and loved helping.
I am actually trying for number 4 now.
Hope your feeling a lot better, you make new friends with each babies.
Having 3 is lovely xxx